The Five Drunks You Meet In Hell

Drinking is a social activity, as you know. Naturally, you meet new people when you drink, or when you meet with people so you can drink. Every so often you will meet a few drunks that you'd rather not.

In no particular order, the five drunks you meet in Hell.

The Clutz: Two drinks and this guy or girl goes from average human to Mr. Bean. Generally drops that third of fourth beverage and then needs a new one, and will probably make one or two people spill theirs as well.

The Homophobe: Give this guy (or sometimes even a girl) a beer and he will swear he is not gay, and not only is he not gay, he doesn't like homosexual men either. Lesbians are totally his thing, of course, but gay men are horrible monsters who are attempting to undermine democracy. With each drink he will declare on a more regular basis his undying loyalty to the Hetero Empire.

The Depressive: Everything sucks, everything is terrible and nobody loves or understands this person. They might even be a happy drunk to start, but will always get depressed and tell the world how awful it is.

The Pop Culture Half-Ass: This is that one who quotes Austin Powers, Dave Chapelle, or what have you, but it's always the least complicated one liners that you've heard every other PCHA quote over and over months ago in other bars and clubs. Generally wonders why you don't think they're funny.

The Toucher: This person gets a few drinks in them and is suddenly unaware of things like personal space. This could be as innocuous as the shoulder squeeze, but could be as obtrusive as a Boston Crab. Generally, the worst of the Touchers will probably give you the flu in addition to squeezing, crabbing or clutching.

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