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The Five Drunks You Meet In Heaven

2012-01-09T06:25:00.000-08:00

The Bard: Always has a great story that makes drinking sound even more awesome than it already is. There is romance! Adventure! Humor! Drama! Most likely a card accident or two! You always show up in one of these stories and you tend to be awesome. This guy is the Jeff Chaucer in your Knight's Tale and everyone now knows you are truly a hero.

The Mixer: This person doesn't own a copy of the Old Mr. Boston, he or she practically is Old Mr./Mrs. Boston. You can throw out any old beverage, and not only can he make if the ingredients are there, if they're not he knows the substitutes by heart as well. Rusty nail? Gotcha! Harvey Wall Banger? Coming right up! Rocket Fuel? I need to use your refrigerator coils if you haven't got any dry ice! Sometimes they'll come armed with their own shaker, and usually bring their own bottle of something nice for later on that night.

The Pop-Culture Hero: The flip side to the Pop-Culture Half-Ass, this person knows all the best lines from all the best movies, and often has other people help them out, adding to the party atmosphere. Part member of Whose Line Is It Anyway, part Alex Trebek, this guy or girl can quote anything and remember everything no matter how much they've had and still preserve the original punch of whatever they're quoting.

The Hidden Talent: This person does something really, really, really well. They lack enough self-confidence to do it in front of people, though. They practice it endlessly, meticulously perfecting whatever is they do, and they never tell you about it. One day, at a party, they get a few beers in them, and it turns out they can juggle. Grapefruits, in fact. That are on fire. They do a fine job and not only is it a great surprise, it is genuinely entertaining.

The Bon Viviant They're glad to see you, and you're glad to see them. It's been too long since we last tipped a glass! They know everyone there and they're sure to introduce you at some point. Never rude or crass, impeccably dressed, witty and endlessly conversational. Never utters "fighting words" or anything of that nature, and can generally round up the other four drunks you meet in Heaven for a kick ass little shin-dig.

BONUS:

The Wildcard:They guy nobody really knows, but dude is completely awesome. Fits right in with everyone at the party, is well spoken and cordial even if this is everyone's first time meeting them, and every so often, can play the piano really well, breathing life into that old thing for the first time since granddad died.

The Five Drunks You Meet In Hell

2012-01-09T06:24:00.000-08:00

Drinking is a social activity, as you know. Naturally, you meet new people when you drink, or when you meet with people so you can drink. Every so often you will meet a few drunks that you'd rather not.

In no particular order, the five drunks you meet in Hell.

The Clutz: Two drinks and this guy or girl goes from average human to Mr. Bean. Generally drops that third of fourth beverage and then needs a new one, and will probably make one or two people spill theirs as well.

The Homophobe: Give this guy (or sometimes even a girl) a beer and he will swear he is not gay, and not only is he not gay, he doesn't like homosexual men either. Lesbians are totally his thing, of course, but gay men are horrible monsters who are attempting to undermine democracy. With each drink he will declare on a more regular basis his undying loyalty to the Hetero Empire.

The Depressive: Everything sucks, everything is terrible and nobody loves or understands this person. They might even be a happy drunk to start, but will always get depressed and tell the world how awful it is.

The Pop Culture Half-Ass: This is that one who quotes Austin Powers, Dave Chapelle, or what have you, but it's always the least complicated one liners that you've heard every other PCHA quote over and over months ago in other bars and clubs. Generally wonders why you don't think they're funny.

The Toucher: This person gets a few drinks in them and is suddenly unaware of things like personal space. This could be as innocuous as the shoulder squeeze, but could be as obtrusive as a Boston Crab. Generally, the worst of the Touchers will probably give you the flu in addition to squeezing, crabbing or clutching.

The Bad Morning

2012-01-09T06:21:00.001-08:00

You got up early because you had a bus to catch. This wasn't particularly easy, because your brain isn't happy with you. On some level you've been feeling anxiety lately, probably because your life is going better than you expected. Life is actually going according to the plan you came up with. But things aren't going so hot for a majority of people you know.

Something like 65% of your friends on facebook aren't having an easy time of things, and just over 50% of your twitter feed.

No good, you thought to yourself as fell asleep last night.

Your brain, being about a subtle as the Westboro Baptist Church at Arlington Cemetery, has felt the need to remind you that your life isn't that bad. In fact it used to pretty terrible by most measures, and perhaps you should put a little thanks giving in your step.

So every night this week your brain re-edited your child hood memories. One night, you were a juvenile infiltrator of a sweatshop factory that appeared to employ victims of Vatican indiscretions. Another night your middle school was run entirely by Cthulhu worshippers. Another time you were just unspeakably evil and killed several people with your bare hands, in grade school. That'll teach you, says the brain, It could always be worse.

This groggy feeling follows you onto to bus, where you just silently listen to guys you usually talk with more in the morning on the way to your mutual stop. You just nod your head and grunt in agreement with everything they're saying.

You leave the bus without saying goodbye, and you'll probably hear about that if you see them that afternoon or tomorrow morning.

Remembering you only have one extra pair of socks, you stop into the Rite Aid, knowing they stock them even if they are overpriced.

It's just past six a.m., so there's no crowd when you walk in, but the Beegees' "Night Fever" is playing, and you instantly feel as though you've partying all night despite going to bed at before seven last night.

The music make it hard for you to think. There's a buildup toward the chorus that fees like the song's going to some where, with a grinding guitar tense vocals and then . . . the chorus is just crap. Falling completely flat of the promise made by the guitar, dropping it all together in favor of some syrupy drum machine crap.

This used to be party music. This used the new hotness, you think. You find yourself wondering if you'll ever hear "Juke Joint Jezebel" in a Rite Aid at just past six in the morning.

Probably not you think, realizing that KMFDM never got so popular as to be played to death on the radio, so it won't hold that nostalgic comfort that most radio from the 60's and 70's does. You finally decide on a larger pair of ladies athletic socks, because who cares? You know damned well half of things that are marketed by gender are just that, marketed.

Who decided women's shirts button up a different side? Are more women left handed or something?

You pay for your socks, take a deep breath and go to work.

Thank god it's Friday.

Holy Roller

2012-01-09T06:09:00.000-08:00

You used to be religious. It's true. You used to worship in some sort of house of God, but really it's fallen by the wayside.

I know what happened, and I'd like to enlighten you, as apparently you like forget how you came to be the person you are and instead focus on the flaws of others. It wasn't moving to D.C. or your job or your coworkers that twisted you. It was you.

The religion you were raised in taught you that God is punishment incarnate. God will punish the wicked, you were told.

And then. You broke your first rule. Nothing big. Nothing major. Just a little one. Perhaps you broke one of the big Ten by killing a fly or a frog or something that you don't really regard as worth preserving. Or perhaps you coveted. Maybe you made you made graven image. Perhaps you ate pork.

But after about a day of living in terror you realized, no punishment was coming. Unlike most sensible people you, being smart but still being naive, came to the following conclusion: God will not punish you.

This is what separates you from everyone else. Where most people concluded something like "God is not watching," to "God will punish in the next life" or perhaps even "There is no God," you came to another, far less reasonable conclusion: You are blessed above all.

This would have been fine, but for some reason that no one would call rational based on the criteria for your religion, you thought God was still going to punish everyone else for infractions from which you believed yourself to be exempt.

It was a few years before you realized that such silliness wasn't the case.

This wounded you deeply. You were special weren't you? God loved you so much that he'd let everything go, right? Everyone else has so much suffering coming that God should be heaping on them daily, right now, you would think. Why isn't God punishing everyone? Everyone is terrible awful and wrong, unlike you, the pristine, angelic person, that they should be screaming in agony at all times.

No. That didn't happen. You realized as everyone else more or less has, that you are no different from anyone else, and no one is being punished. Everyone is treated equally, and God is taking care of his own business. That business does not involve punishing all these people that you feel have broken your absurd moral code. Yes, you realized, God doesn't care about your petty bullshit.

And yet you still refuse to come to the rational conclusion. There is a still a God, but he's a big jerk and you don't need him anyway, you're going to see people suffer, somehow.

Now you profess hollow faith in some sort of false morality, some prophet from long ago said something and now your pretending that you care about it. What you're really doing is what those ancient prophets did: making up rules and making up punishment. You're looking for reasons to wound people because they haven't followed some strange standard that, while slightly informed by the teachings of long dead holy men, is mostly just you looking for reasons to be cruel.

You are what's wrong. You are the problem. You only care about yourself, and yet you claim it has something to do with God's will.

The worst part is realize that, like those ancient prophets, no one really takes you seriously and you've lashed out at everyone close to you for not following your obtuse rules. And well, you'll be completely alone soon enough. If God made you this way, then you are being punished for you sins, and if there is no God, you will sleep in this bed you made.

Strange Dreams on Distant Sands

2012-01-09T06:06:00.000-08:00

I dream of Baltimore a lot.

It's not the Baltimore I remember, precisely. The architecture varies wildly. It's lit in gold and amber hues. Charles street slick with summer rain stretching street lights into stalactites. Everyone I know is there. They lean out the windows of row houses to wave as I walk. Steam rises off the street. They all miss me and tell me so. I see them face to face and tell them I'll be home soon. We'll all be home soon. I promise.

Pratt street bustles with every era. The fashion of every decade rub elbows with the soldiers coming home from The Great War, World War II, The Korea War, Vietnam and Baghdad, all at once. Trains and boats and planes spilling veterans onto the streets from Penn Station, The Inner Harbor and BWI. Warriors rushing into suits and slacks and bell bottoms, coating their warlike hearts in the familiar civilian skins and going on with life. Eating ice cream, going to college, having children, meeting family members familiar to them with their new unfamiliar minds writhing, ecstatic, overjoyed to be home, praying for the allies that remain-sometimes forever-in combat zones.

Remember, now that you're home, you have to pay for water.

Remembering. Ghostly legions forever gone. Living their lives for those who can't anymore. Moving on, moving forward, growing old, growing up, growing out. Moving away, moving in. Sergeants First Class, Chiefs and Senior Master Sergeants and Gunnery Sergeants retire, putting pins on their caps. VETERAN. SOLDIER. SURVIVOR. Hearing the cadence forever. The four beat, everywhere. All the time. Like a clock.

E-4s become Ephors, certain of change but not certain of how. Getting ready for the next war. Getting ready to put on the hard stripes. Getting ready to let the FNGs make just enough mistakes to learn.

Getting ready to have a child. Preparing to say goodbye to that child before they are even born, not forever, just enough to hurt. Just enough to want. Just enough to leave an empty space in a crayon drawing that goes on the fridge. Coming home again, getting back in the drawing on the fridge. Saving those drawings. Folding them up, putting them in a duffel. Keeping the yellowed paper behind armor and in front of their hearts, soaking with sweat and hope. Hope you remember me. Hope you are proud of me. Hope you get to meet me.

Patterns persist. People persist. Praying to new ancestors, the ones on The Wall in the City of Stone. The ones with the pins on their hats.

I know it's hard to believe, but I found a guy who was an ass at the airport. . .

2010-09-14T14:52:00.001-07:00

While there’s a certain kind of strangeness in a place that’s constantly filled with people where no one actually lives, I've never had a problem with airports.

Until I meet Mr. Shot&Bud.

I was flying to Atlanta, and since I got there early, I wasn’t running around like a crazy person. Naturally, I took a seat at a bar after making it through airport security without incident.

I ordered a Yuengling and a caprese salad. Mr. Shot&Bud, of course, orders a Bud Light and a shot of Jack Daniels. Okay sure. My salad arrives and as I glance over as this guy looks at the salad, looks at me, and sneers like I’m wearing a painted on Chiquita Banana Lady costume at a Gay Pride Parade.

You know this type. This is the guy who needs to judge everyone. He will decide certain things about people based on tiny fragments of information, and use that information to make himself feel better. In this case, I assume the thought process is something along the line of “It’s okay if I’m drinking too much, because this guy is a salad eating faggot.”

Salad Eaters

Am I reading too much into this man’s sneer? Perhaps. But why sneer? I’m merely reading as much into his sneer as he has apparently read into my cuisine.

What I really found annoying is that ordering a salad is somehow like going to prison. You have to kill the first guy that fucks with you to prove that you can eat what you please.

I suppose I should just make it a habit to unload the magazine of a sub-machine gun into the toughest looking guy at the restaurant whenever I order anything less than half a cow worked over with a blowtorch.

AND A GODDAMNED CAESAR SALAD MOTHER FUCKER!!!

I got on the plane without incident, and the flight to Atlanta from Baltimore is quite quick, maybe an hour and a half.

I would think that you would know that. The time it takes it get to where you’re going, and what time you have to be at the next location. Low and behold, Mr. Shot&Bud is on my plane, and he was apparently unaware of how long the flight would take.

He’s now In A Hurry. So much so that he has pushed his way up past the other rows on the plane, and will by God, get the hell off this plane faster than everyone else.

Mr. Shot&Bud does this thing where he holds his back pack out in front of him and uses that as some sort of shield against actually following the etiquette of letting people in the earlier rows get out first. It appears as though he has installed some sort of super-magnet in his back-back and it pulls him past the unwashed masses by some other magnet secreted on his person that airport security somehow missed.

Apparently, I’m dealing with a Super Villain.

I grabbed my back pack from the overhead and moved out, ignored The Evil Dr. Shot&Bud and his Magical Back Pack of Line Jumping. I’m sure this drove him crazy, but I didn’t notice because I’d stopped paying attention to him. I mean, it’s not like I need to pay attention, since the world revolves around this screwball. I’m sure he gets enough attention.

Still, with a casual slip I was ahead of him for a precious moment. Then in the circular connector of the hall way that lead us all into the terminal he got ahead of me again and charged down the terminal.

So I mosey. I’m in no particular hurry. Unlike Evil Dr. Shot&Bud I don’t have a meeting with the President or something, so I barely noticed when I miss the turn walking. Naturally, I feel sort of like and idiot as I turn around and head the tram that is the gateway to freedom at the Atlanta Airport.

Low and behold, there he is. Evil Dr. Shot&Bud has been thwarted, by the tram schedule. The schedule that I’m damn sure says “Trams to baggage and the main exit arrive every 10 minutes.”

I felt a great swell of pity at that moment. Perhaps I was a judgmental asshole. Perhaps the only English this man, an immigrant, had learned so far was “Shot and a Bud, please.”

He leaned back to another man and spat, “How in the fuck does this work?” No, that’s quite advanced. He’s been in this country long enough to add the word “fuck” into his sentences with aplomb.

I successfully fought the urge to say something quite snarky, and decided to walk halfway to the exit of the terminal, fairly sure I’d beat him his destination in several senses.

The Kids Would Be Alright, If You Let Them

2010-04-26T05:39:00.000-07:00

It's fairly astonishing that a society that has caused so much damage to itself can, in almost the same breath, continue to accuse it's youth of being weird at best or incapable of running things in the future at worst. For some reason, when Wallstreet brought America to the brink of financial ruin, we still manage to find the time to obsess about what teenagers are doing their bedrooms.

While the current commander in chief fights a seemingly never ending battle to reform the financial system, our nations students are falling behind in economically critical skill sets, yet public school systems find the time and budget to spy on their students.

The very act of blaming the youth of today for social decline is completely counter intuitive. These kids are literally the product of a value system they themselves had nothing to do with creating. Marketing, education, and socialization all turn kids into what they are today. Are we so naive that we will actually beat a dog in its developing years, and then complain about the dog’s choices later in life when we did the beating? How are we going to criticize the youth of today, when people who were supposed to keeping this nation financially stable were watching porn while Rome burned?

So now people have no faith in other people, but it would be rude to call other adults bunch of sex-crazed poltroons, but kids are not able to defend themselves against against such accusations. Like a bully in need of release, people beat up on the weakest members of society, the teenagers.

Adults, subject to laws and value systems that they themselves probably despise but are also powerless against, enforce these social and legal rules with an iron fist against the youth of today, charging teens with child pornography charges if they take pictures of their own bodies. However, studies have suggested this is an absurd moral panic with very few teenagers actually sexting, and those who are probably are sent precisely the wrong message: their own bodies are viewed in the eyes of the law, and by extension adults, as the regulated commodity of pornography.

Kids don't know anything about anything and cannot be trusted with the simplest of tasks. A rather toothless version of this stance was the recent tirade by Roger Ebert saying the video games will never be art, the flaw in the thinking illustrated in three deft panels by Penny-Arcade.com.

This is especially silly when you realized many art movements, most obviously Surrealism and Cubism, are heavily influenced by child-like concepts of portraying space and structure. So the youth's perspective inspires us, but we need not admit they did so, because they're just dumb kids.

A recent book speculates that perhaps youth is made to last too long artificially, and this allows the complaining about youth to last even longer. In the 1950’s by the time many young men were in their mid-20’s they had already fought in a war, came home, started a family and started feel like something was missing. It’s quite possible with this extended youth business, most of that is skipped in favor of the "feeling something missing in the late 20’s" phase.

However, that missing thing in the 50’s probably resulted from the gauge for success being, at best, the very narrow field of "what the previous generation can understand," or worst "benefit from." That emptiness is what prompted the arguably failed revolution of the 60’s, which everyone who was there assures all who will listen that it was totally awesome and we can never understand it.

That sort of "you kids don't understand" attitude was the crux of Ebert's criticism of youth’s efforts in art and reflects the public at large, but it also appears to be a kind of bait and switch. Ebert himself criticized young people's "attempts" at are through another medium in much the same way film was criticized at it's inception. New art forms are almost never accepted initially practically by definition, since they are the product of young people, who everyone in charge would never admit are capable of what they consider to be art.

When the U.S. government was insisting that young people were responsible for a significant portion of all crime in the 50's, they were laying the ground work for a wasteful cold war against the Soviet Union, most of the intelligence about which we now know to be grossly exaggerated .

In Mexico, people have gathered together to beat up Emo kids, because it's clearly their fault. All the corruption and murder? That' the result of skinny jeans, and not massive drug cartels with as much fire and man power as a city state. If the people who got together to beat up children had half the resolve against the people who are actually ruining their country, they could be well on their way to bringing corruption to heel.

Every ethnic group, it’s adults at least, find a way to incorporate into a society. They learn the social rules, the economics and legal systems so they can establish a foothold and eventually a very real place in a society. But youth? Youth is always wrong. Youth is always an easy target and it is replenished every year. Anything going wrong? Blame youth! Blame that rock n’ roll music! Blame anybody but the people in charge.

A Fantasy of Healing

2010-01-24T04:37:00.000-08:00

Earlier this morning, I was contemplating health. I was contemplating healing.

When my mother had a brain tumor, someone who spent more time in college than she did suggested she fantasize about some sort of healing scenario. This manifested, so she told me, as teddy bears slowly mining away at the cancerous tissues. It probably didn't do anything medically, but it brought her comfort.

I wonder about my mother sometimes.

Once she told me a heart monitor she was hooked up to stopped beeping and started saying, to her, "help me, help me, help me, help me, help me." Hearing her tell me about this was one of the most terrifying experiences of my life. I was sternly warned about lying and flights of fancy as a child, mostly by my mother, so to hear her recount something like this, it was the burning hot truth of the thing.

Mom was quite religious, she was certain of the power of the man called Christ. As sure as putting your foot on the gas would make the car go faster, Jesus was a force to her. If memory serves, she inspired other people to be more religious.

Religion caused a rift between us-myself and my mother- early on.

Certain things I found preposterous. Other things I found downright unfair. Somethings were plain violations.

But it all brought her comfort. Jesus. Scripture. The teddy bears. These distant, strange ideas some how made her happy, and helped her through pain. To be fair, there was a lot of pain. Who knows what you'll start believing if you're in enough pain. Not like, torture pain, but pain like wind blowing, pain like birds singing. Always there, sometimes more and sometimes less, but always there.

I've been trying to understand it lately, as I've been waking up injured every morning since two Tuesdays ago. It's odd. I tried to imagine my bones knitting on their own, like the character Wolverine in the X-men movies. Some loud sound effects, some popping, and good as new.

I felt no better.

I tried to picture to the teddy bears, and felt stupid.

Earlier this morning, I found something that brought me a great deal of hope. Not religion or scripture, but something vaguely like the teddy bears.

The break is nearly complete in my right carpal. It looks like a piece of bamboo snapped almost completely off. From there, I imagined spiders lived inside the marrow. Tiny, pure white spiders crawl from the places where marrow is made, and start flinging their spinnerets to and fro between the broken bones, inching them together gradually.

I have no rational reason for this kind of thinking, except that it brings me comfort.

Battlestar Galatica: The (Half-assed, made up on the spot) Plan

2009-11-02T05:57:00.001-08:00

The newly released Battlestar Galactica movie, directed by Edward James Olmos, has all the disadvantages of the original series, and none of redeeming qualities, but there's nudity!

There appears to be no reason for this movie at all, as it's plot is filling in spaces before the series began and the spaces in between the major plot points.

There are a few interesting points in the film that illustrate more of what was going on the series, how ever it is redundant. While there were some interesting scenes of the human-looking skin jobs acting completely self-righteous while committing genocide, it was an unnecessary detail.

Fans of the series will be very familiar with the sticky morality and unflinching presentation of atrocity as the backdrop for drama, but in adding details to the atrocities of the original series it has a numbing effect. I know they killed a lot of people, but seeing the Cylon pitching countless bodies into a ditch actually didn't resonate with me the way it should have.

It appears as though it's whole purpose is to make the Cylons more villainous after they had spent almost five years making them less evil with interesting story and characterization. I feel the need to say, Adm. Cain made the Cylons look like the goddamned Carebears after about 45 minutes of three seasons ago.

Then there's the nudity, which I don't believe is intended to titillate, since by the time we see it we've already seen so much murder and suffering that it barely registers, which may been the point.

I suppose the worst part of the whole series is revisiting all the old story arcs from the show like "My Significant Other is a Cylon," which was explored in depth in the series and doesn't need to be revisited here. Lymari Nadal, the spouse in this version of that arc, is so natural in her line delivery it felt like she was in another a series all together.

BSG is fast falling for the Star Wars fallacy of exploring the same themes, characters and ideas over and over and over, which is fine bringing in new fans, but you loose as many people as you gain from that sort of storytelling.

Finally, this Plan we kept hearing about? The Cylon Plan was "Nuke the Colonies and be smug about it when all the humans are dead," which means that at no point during the history of this culture was there ever a war or a rebellion or anything that would indicate that unless your plan is perfect (which it never is), then people will survive and you won't be able to feel smug.

Seeing the totality in which the Cylons won makes the remainder of humanity seem like nothing even approaching a threat. This is what I'm going to call the Puny Human Fallacy: nearly invincible, all-powerful or super technology beings or cultures are absolutely certain that humans cannot defeat them, so they fuck with humans constantly, not realizing that when you do that, the humans will find a way to defeat you.

It gets even sillier when you apply this to Battlestar, because they Cylons have already won and won hard. The Cylons find themselves, after killing billions of people and having more than enough habitable planets, wasting time trying to hunt down thirty thousand or so remaining humans. In this way we find another failing of these sorts of explorations, because now I, even as a fan of the show, find it stupid.

Not only did this fail as entertainment for me, it actually deconstructed the show to such an extent that I may as well delete all the episodes I have purchased on iTunes. Perhaps Caprica will be better.

Terminator and Fourth Generation Warfare: Skynet is doomed to lose

2009-05-25T16:32:00.000-07:00

Terminator: Salvation imagines, finally, the war with that machine enemy that John Connor has prepared for just about all his life for. A critical complaint was that Christian Bale pretty much played Batman without ears in this role. Well, what’s Batman but a man very damaged by one child-hood incident?

Connor was put through all manner of training by his mother in preparation for the war after Judgment Day, in addition to at least two attempts on his life by Terminators, putting all that training to the test, which Connor of course passed or he wouldn’t be here. Of course Connor is probably going to stop talking about his feelings the moment the first bomb dropped on Judgment Day.

T:S imagines a never-ending conflict through time and space in which an coldly calculating machine attempts to wipe out an insurgency by. . . sending back it’s toughest operators before the war even starts to kill the potentially toughest people before they are tough. More on the flaws in that plan later.

But first Skynet's worst plan is Marcus Wright, a character who is apparently supposed to be the ultimate sleeper agent, built at some point in the past and unleashed on an unsuspecting world in 2018, eleven years before a Terminator is first sent back to kill Sarah Connor. Apparently, Wright was cyborgified sometime in the past and kept on ice somewhere until he was necessary. At the end of the film, Marcus gives up his heart so that John Connor may live, probably because of the messiah-like fervor that now surrounds a man who has not only become the voice of the resistance, but is now (thanks to Skynet’s above average immediate strategic response) probably one of the most senior leaders of the American resistance.

As Reese said in the first film, sending a terminator back in time was an act of “desperation,” if computers can be said to be desperate. Making a half-man half machine from a pre-existing person seems not only desperate but exceedingly foolish. Even if you do successfully make the Six-Million Dollar Sleeper Agent, it’s an even bigger gamble than time traveling robot assassins with human skin. After all that, Skynet once again found a way to make Connor even harder to kill as Wright insists on giving up his heart.

Skynet, as an opposing force, has some other major flaws. First of all, when it sends a Terminator back in time, it runs a very, very high risk of giving up a ton of intelligence about it’s capabilities not just to the enemy, but to an enemy that does not yet know it’s an enemy, losing the element of surprise. Would you declare a war nearly thirty years before you even attack? Another problem with this sort of retroactive assault technique is that anyone who survives it is completely prepared for coming war, so essentially Skynet has potentially set its own self up for failure each time one of these Terminators goes back in time.

This is a supposedly self-aware super computer; at what point does it realize that trying to kill John Connor, something it has been doing for about a decade or so since it caused Judgment Day, is a wasted effort, as John Connor has been preparing and training for nearly 30 years to, at the very least, not be killed. Each time Skynet would send a Terminator back, John Connor would defeat it, and perhaps even gather intelligence on it and train just a little bit harder for the next threat.

Finally, does Skynet know anything about guerrilla warfare? It caused a world wide nuclear catastrophe, which while trimming the numbers of humanity significantly also has the side effect of only leaving the resilient, the tough and absurdly lucky behind. Skynet has pretty much ensured, having apparently never read Sun-Tzu (“Throw your troops into situations where there is no escape, where they will die before surrendering,”), not only that the enemy is harder than coffin nails, but will fight to the death.

While it’s never mentioned precisely how many humans are left after Judgment Day, if Skynet could just be a little bit more patient, it could have used population bottlenecking if the numbers were low enough. The lack of wide spread health care support could also spread common diseases, like wildfire.

However, the humans had enough man-power to provide close air support with A-1o Warthog aircraft, which suggests many of the survivors are not only hearty they are also military and fairly abundant.

Let’s say the population decimation is even world wide, for the sake of argument. Skynet is based in the United States; and it’s forces, while never tiring, are probably spread thin just dealing with the American insurgents. It may have just crossed the ocean at the time of the film, and probably isn’t doing very well, since it doesn’t matter how super a computer you are, in the mountains of Afghanistan you are just another empire making life difficult for some of the toughest farmers the world has even known.

Finally Skynet was commissioned by the U.S. Air Force, which apparently designed it's trillion dollar war fighting computer to fight the villains of the 1940's, so essentially short-sightedness and poor design and planning will probably be the salvation of Humanity.

Doll House Episode 12: Was orignally 90 minutes.

2009-05-10T20:27:00.000-07:00

Previously on Dollhouse: Shit. Went. Down.

Picking up right where last week left off, Doc Sexy Scars is running around saying she needs help.

Harry J. Lennix says the horse has left the barn, Olivia Williams barks some orders, and things are off to a great start.

Topher the Tech informs us that Dushku’s tracking strip has been removed, and bio-links have been severed. In layman’s terms they can’t find her with computers.

Williams says she wants to know what her imprint is, and hell, don’t we all? Topher says he’s looking, Williams says to keep looking.

Then Doc Sexy Scars tells Topher, in a grave tone, “He asked me if I always wanted to be a doctor,” giving a little more credence to the theory that the Doc is a doll as well.

Topher is a little taken aback. “Who could fathom the mind of a crazy person?”

“The one who made him crazy, maybe?” The Doc says.

And we are on the road, Alpha Tyduk asks Echo is she likes her new togs (which is a REALLY slangy thing to say, but it works), and is speaking like Deniro in Cape Fear. . . and so is Dushku.

I’m a little miffed that whenever they want to portray some sort of Bonnie/Clyde thing that have some sort of uneducated accent. I guarantee you educated people have done some jacked up things, but one has to wonder if regional attitudes affect the way things are jacked up.

I digress.

Alpha Tyduk is really crazy. Like arguing with himself crazy. Dushku has been implanted with some sort of street kid whom Alpha says was “13. Already a woman.”

Whoa, creepy. There’s some really great dialogue here about how maybe they actually never knew each other, maybe they were just programmed with each other. Why one would program a pair of dangerous criminals I can’t be sure, but whatever.

Apparently they robbed a clothing store, and Dushku unleashes her drawl on the clerk they took hostage, and they drive and snuggle.

Roll the opening credits!

It says “A Few Years Ago. . .” Which makes me wonder how long Dushku has been a doll. Like she turned 18 and signed up? Makes sense within the timeline.

So they really did imprint paranoid criminal personalities into the actives. Very stupid, I’m sorry.

Alpha Tyduk is/has tortured a dude while a sweet young thing, presumably Dushku, swings her hips in front of a Super Trooper light to the crooning of Roy Orbison. Damn can she move.

Apparently these two spotted the vans following them, and are sure that Poor Schmuck #42 is working for them. Alpha Tyduk insists on the truth. So he tells him. They’re not real. They have clearly programmed Micky and Malory for this rich idiot who some how had this fantasy about a crime spree with two crazy people.

Were I in a management position at the Dollhouse, I would probably have told this dude to keep his money.

Alpha Tyduk calls his girl, Crystal over, and it’s the Doc. Wholly unscarred. (Good call, by the way.) She is wearing much less than she usually wears and it is some where between scalding hot and shamefully voyeuristic.

The dollhouse is closing in, and then we are treated to a creepy sequence that combines elements of torture, lap dancing and a manage et trois. That’s just really nasty. Doc is having way too much fun. It’s nice to see her enjoying herself, but lord is that unpleasant to watch.

Dollhouse breaks down the door before the climax (in several senses of the word, these are thrill killers, after all) and yes, the doll’s name is Whiskey.

ASIDE: Apparently there was supposed to be way more dolls in this show, an example would be Tango, who would be the older woman type. Makes a lot of sense, because if you have a monopoly on something, the more niche markets you cater to, the more profit you are more or less guaranteed. In terms of a story, it’s rather a shame that has turned into another show about tiny brunettes.

Present Day, Dollhouse Puzzle Palace Headquarters: Williams has had Helo just kinda chilling in her office while they controlled the chaos, and when they return, she has Lennix take the cuffs off she has everyone else except Lennix leave the room.

She summarizes the parts of the previous episodes Helo wasn’t around for and says “The Alpha Situation was an unfortunate technological anomaly.”

Helo is a like “What have you people done?”

And Williams, who has admitted at least once about feeling guilty about her job, is all self righteous as all hell at Helo, openly saying she wanted the smirk wiped off his face when she tells him Alpha has Dushku. Helo pretty much says frak your couch to what she’s planning, but the building is on lockdown and surrounded by about a company of federal police.

Helo says he can make it go away when he sees his old professional nemesis Romo Lamkin or whatever his name is. He outside and up to him and says there’s no bomb and they’re standing on the dollhouse. The nemesis says “False alarm” and everybody rolls out.

Nice.

The Doc has sewn up Victor, and he now has a nasty Glasgow smile, and knows he’ll never be his best again. Victor asks the Doc how he can be his best, and the Doc says it’s no longer possible.

“You’re ugly now, you’re disgusting. All you can hope for now is pity.” She says. Naturally, it’s even worse because we know she’s talking about herself.

(There’s been a lot of disfiguring going on lately on network TV. Last weeks lie to me involved women’s eyes being carved out, after, I might add, sexual assault. I think the difference is they use more metaphors on Dollhouse.)

We flash back again and meet the real Doc Saunders, who reminds me of a small town pediatrician, rather than say, a medical doctor who balances “Do No Harm” with the weird moral grayness of the dollhouse.

Apparently Whiskey used to be the most popular girl at the doll house, and probably the cutest until Dushku came along.

Ah. So this back is to Echo’s first day. Williams is showing her around, Alpha is looking hungry while Dushku takes in the dormitory and we find out that a dollhouse contract is five years.

Back to the present, Helo says the memory erasure chair is where they steal people’s souls. Topher is unhappy about having a second tall morally judgmental man in his office.

Williams tells Topher to suck it up and drive on, and the start loading the dolls with a series of programs that is probably “Crack team of forensic super ninjas” or something. Well that’s what I’d do.

Meanwhile, Alpha is battling it out with several personalities, one of which is a snotty British dude, the other is a edneck serial killer, and another is very likely Alan Tyduk. Apparently he’s been stealing people’s personalities and uploading them. . .

During the upload, Sierra the Human Gazelle starts flirting with Helo; which makes him deeply uncomfortable, funny because at 6’2”, he’s a full head taller than she is and he’s squirming because, well let’s face it, Helo has a Knight in Shining Armor Complex, and knights apparently don’t indulge in pleasures of the flesh (except all the goddamned time, man, like have you ever sat down and read those legends?).

Then chef doll gets implanted as her partner and tells the Gazelle to “stop molesting the furniture.” Helo is all kinds of out of sorts, because that either made no sense at all or she just called Helo all kinds of stupid.

Alpha apparently has 48 personalities bouncing around in there, and when he snapped he smashed his original personalities. Then he uploads Caroline into the store clerks’ body and commences with the psychological torture. Then he tells Dushku she needs to let go of being Caroline and embrace her inner. . . crazy person?

Then another flashback. Alpha is working on his Bonzai tree, and Whiskey is about to get sent out again, when Alpha says she should let Echo be number 1. Then he slashes her face.

Topher, looking rather dapper actually, is told to figure out what went wrong and then stuff Alpha in the attic.

And as near as I can tell, the creation of Alpha was due more to dollhouse staff incompetence than anything else.

In the present, Helo tells Williams and Lennix he needs to know who Alpha was. Well, yeah, obviously. Topher thinks it’s bullshit; but I really think the entire time he’s been covering his own mistake which, essentially made Alpha the greatest threat to the dollhouse imaginable.

Speaking of which, so apparently Alpha is going to upload Dushku with a bunch of personalities so she’s the super-killing machine that Alpha is.

Now, the moment I realize he’s going to do this I know for a fact she’s is going fuck Alpha up. Look back at every personality they’ve ever loaded into Echo; all of them have been based on protection or guardianship or something, hell, even a dominatrix is a form protection when you think about it.

Alpha pushes the button, uploads Dushku, and Dushku hits Alpha with an iron pole. Nice.

Helo finds out that Alpha’s real/original name Carl William Craft. “Three names. Always ominus.” He quips.

Apparently he and several others like were furnished by the Department of Corrections, though she doesn’t specify which state, so I’m going to assume California.

So, now we find out the doll house is experimenting on prisoners, which further suggests just how dangerously retarded their management is. Much as Williams can think on her feet, I think there was some idiot in charge before her. Probably one of those cats that insists on being called “sir,” but was never in the military.

Helo says Alpha was evolving into serial killer. He had a murder kit in his car (Home Depot, 29.99), and Lennix is pretty livid about the whole prisoner thing, being an ex-cop an all, I’m sure he believes in rehabilitation. Helo is about ready to roll out, and so is Lennix.

What’s really funny here is that we also have the two other dolls imprinted as bounty hunters, and these two dudes going after the same thing. The two dolls combined weight would be about half of Helo by himself.

Meanwhile, in a place the show itself described as “A lair. . . an evil lair!” Alpha isn’t clear on what just happened (“Dushku done SCHOOLED you, son-son!”), and Dushku is pretty much a super hero. Funny twist that it's the villain creating his own antagonist for once.

As I had anticipated, the Omega experiment has failed miserably because the Echo character is now a supreme moral being, however she’s also started to buy Alpha’s line about how Caroline left Echo to do or be whatever. They fight! This weeks fight is over kind of quick as Dushku graps Alpha with her feet and throws to the ground like a rag doll.

Meanwhile Helo and Lennix are walking into some building somewhere, and Helo, not one for small talk (“So what kind of protein to you use? Like Whey, or eggs or what? What’s your lifting schedule like?”), muses how Lennix fell in the doll house. They’ve tracked down Alpha’s first victim, who is probably a total bad-ass now, let’s face it.

Lennix is concerned that Carl Craft may have nothing to do with Alpha anymore, until they see the angry scar very close in resemblance to the Doc’s. Yeah. Badass.

Back at the Evil Lair ^TM Dushku is throwing around a ragdoll that bears more than a passing resemblance to Alan Tyduk. They have a little conversation about weakness or something, and she pummels him some more, and comes over to the person implanted with her Caroline self. And this is really confusing.

Super Dushku talks to herself about why and how, and says “I have 38 brains, and not one of them thinks you can sign a contract to be a slave, especially now that we have a black president.” (ZING!) Dushku’s old self: “We have a black president?” (ZING!)

So, they have a warm fuzzy moment, Caroline is “Ready to do this” and Alpha puts a bullet in her throat. Who saw that coming? I mean, DAMN.

Alpha holds the pistol up against the hard drive that contains Caroline and say “Do what I say or I will blow your brain out.”

So. Thirty eight brains, not one of them thought “twist his head around three times while he’s unconscious just to be sure.” Omega indeed.

Back at the office, Topher is sorting through imprints trying to figure out which ones Alpha had used to make Dushku (“Don’t know why Alpha would imprint her as backup singer, unless he was starting an evil band.”). On the road, Lennix calls Topher and the move the plot along, now Helo and Lennix know the location of the Evil Lair ™.

Alpha is explaining his evil plan, which actually makes a degree of sense. Now that he despises Caroline, he’s going to kidnap women from all over the country, imprint them with the Caroline personality, and murder them in the same fashion every time.

Dushku realizes Alpha can’t shoot the hard drive for that reason, and calls his bluff. He shoots her in the arm and she runs.

Helo and Lennix arrive at the Evil Lair ^TM, and it’s a little funny how well they work together having just beat the living hell out of each other about four hours ago in the show’s continuity.

Alpha tosses the hard drive from up high and departs, mostly to stop Dushku from pursuing, because let’s face it, she would own his ass. It falls and Helo, having played a lot of rugby as a boy in Canada, catches it.

There is a weird tension as we get back to the office, as Doc Scars asks Topher why she imprinted with computer skills, and she also Topher why she was programmed to hate him. That’s a little odd. Then she walks off, saying she knows who she is.

In Williams office, apparently the have a new contractor, Helo! Just, yeah, go ahead and give up that whole moral kick you were on there, bro. Meanwhile In exchange, they’ll release the girl. It’s the Chef Doll! Awwww, snuggles! She signs her last paperwork and is free, never knowing who Helo is.

Cue the Emo Rock for the final montage. Doc gives Victor a lollipop. Helo introduces himself to the Chef Doll’s real personality, says he’s no one. Dushku touches Topher’s chest. Lennix and Williams realize they’ve compromised some one else and feel kind of crappy about it.

SUMMARY

-What the hell happened to the bounty hunting? Does anyone else feel like this episode was originally at least thirty minutes longer? They completely dropped the bounty hunter plot thread. I mean, damn, there must have been other scenes they could have used that wouldn’t have turned out to be completely extraneous.

Doll House Episode 11: spoilers ensue.

2009-05-02T17:34:00.000-07:00

Previously on Dollhouse: Helo (Ballard) has a map of the Dollhouse operations, the Dollhouse head of security was with the NSA, and he was downloaded/tortured onto a harddrive. Harry J. Lennix is told by Doc Sexy Scars that Alpha is dead.

Now then. A flashback filter is on the camera as a bum is picking through a pile of garbage, he finds a hand, and the hand leaps like a snake for his throat.

Dushku (Echo) is reading Sleeping Beauty to room full of attentive kids who are being polite and quiet, except for one, who claims the story is crap. Dushku, who has been uploaded with the most genteel teacher program I’ve seen does a perfect “Excuse me?” which sounds like “WTF you little brat?” Great delivery: actually sounded like a teacher.

Susan, as the girl is named says Sleeping Beauty, or Briar Rose, was a asleep for 100 years, than some prince shows up and takes all the credit for saving her in five minutes. Susan then points out, in order to illustrate her extreme precociousness, that since the princess knew the prophecy about the pricking the finger on the spindle of a spinning wheel, it was stupid of her to wander around an empty castle “groping spindles.”

The young lady goes off on a rant about how Beauty’s parents should have told what was up and she finally loses it and grabs the story book from Dushku’s lap and tears at it, clearly this some sort of half way for abused children.

Considering all the undercurrents of this show; this scene is made all the more wrenching by the fact that Susan clearly isn’t talking about Sleeping Beauty; she’s talking about how her parents failed. Sad to see someone so young already able to bury their pain in metaphors.

And Dushku talks with some sort of administrator, and I totally called it. Half way house. We find out Dushku’s mission is apparently to help this girl. Which means someone paid for it, which means we might finally have a rich person with enough of a conscience to actually act. Sweet!

Helo is packing. Chef Doll is asking him where he’s going, and if this is about “Caroline,” (Dushku used to be her, but it hasn’t be brought up recently.) Helo is being the asshole soon-to-be-ex, and tells the Chef they are not good for each other, and that she’s in the way. All of which is actually true; but not in a way that the uploaded Chef Doll can understand. Chef Doll says Helo can trust her, and that they can fix this.

Helo grimly says “That’s exactly what I needed to hear, and that’s why I’m leaving.” Damn.

“Can’t you see this is killing me?” She asks.

Helo, ice cold after being lied too and used, “You’ll get over it.” Truly, she’s just one download away.

Back the Dollhouse Headquarters Puzzle Palace, Olivia Willams is holding a PNY thumbdrive (subtle!) which was hand delivered. No way to get it open without asking Mr. Dominic. Williams says to ask Mr. Dominic. Lennix laughs and yeah, whatevs. Williams goes all “no seriously.”

Oh.

Back at the half way house, it’s explained that Susan has been placed in fosters homes, and keeps getting sent back due to cutting school, getting in fights. They’ve apparently taken five knives off of her. They’re not sure how she get’s them.

Dushku says something very inciteful: some delis have them sitting in cups. Nice touch!

Susan’s mother died of a drug overdose, and she was living with mother’s boyfriend, a drug dealer and part-time pimp. The administrator says “Half the age, twice the price.”

I’m going to say, while this story is a might heavy handed it’s refreshing to see the show not skirting the issue.

Dushku more or less reveals that she’s been uploaded with a survivor with the line “She lies to her therapist, she’s useless in group.”

“That’s pretty specific for someone who’s known Susan for all of five minutes,” the administrator says in dismissal. (RANT: WTF lady? You’ve been working with abused kids for how long? You can’t recognize the patterns? What did you major in at the liberal arts school where and when you thought you could save the world? I mean damn! Here’s someone who wants to help and you feel the need to make sure they know you don’t value their time or opinion? WTF? )

Don’t worry, kids, Dushku is on the case.

Oh, great it’s Topher the Tech. He’s looking at some glowy spheres on a screen, which are noticeably different. Topher explains that one is the imprint he gave Dushku this morning, the other is Susan. How they got that brain scan, who knows? Topher says that Susan is “Fraked up” beyond recognition (Oh yes. BSG has a legacy).

Echo’s imprint is the kid grown up, Echo is the “best possible future” of Susan.

That is just a damned brilliant use of the technology. It actually makes all the prostitution stuff seem like a frivolous waste by comparison.

Apparently Topher came up with the entire idea for the engagement. All of the sudden the douche bag has depth! Well done! Then again. . what’s she to him. . . “Everbody wants to be righteous when they can afford it,” Topher says of Williams approval.

Phone rings, and it’s probably Lennix telling him to dust off Dominic. All of his joy is wiped away, and he says it’s time to bring out Viktor.

Meanwhile Chef Doll is walking across a bridge in Los Angeles. Oh dear. Program worked really well. To well. . . her handler shows up and gets her in the black van. She’s devastated and it’s just . . so sad.

Helo is on the mother f**king case; and he follows the black van to the garage.

About ten minutes and we have our really depressing opening sequence. It’s actually even more depressing considering all the plot threads in this episode; but really they are all damned intriguing so I think we’re in for a good show.

Dushku sits down at a table with Susan. Susan’s been industriously defacing the Sleeping beauty book, saying she’s fixing it (ala what River Tam did to Shepard’s Bible in Firefly). Dushku says they call that “editing” (Ha!) and she could make a living out of it (HA!).

Dushku, being essentially this little girl after possibly years of therapy, kung-fu, shooting ranges and rigorous physical fitness, has a really great talk with her about running away.
Susan still apparently deep in the weeds of her own issues, and can’t believe anyone could understand.

“When did you want to run away?” she asks, incredulous.

Dushku says “In the middle of the night, it always seemed like I could run away when it would get light,” and give a great performance giving a speech about pretending things are okay and how a person can feel like they are complicit in their own abuse, because hey, better than admitting that you’re helpless.

“Everytime someone calls me a victim, I feel like I’m biggest liar in the world.”

Goddamn that’s intense.

Helo and his technician friend at the Bureau of Investigative Investigations are bouncing theories off one another. Helo admits he got into the building where the Dollhouse garage is, and found nothing. He could only see the part of the building he was supposed to see, which makes him sound completely crazy. So of course he says it is invisible, and he’s not crazy.

They had an ecological system installed by Wash from Firefly (second reference this episode, for those keeping score), so the building draws no power, is a closed system; doesn’t have bills to pay the electric company, etc. Helo’s technician friend acts like this isn’t actually a pretty interesting thought and says “be glad I don’t think your crazy.”

Hey, in this situation, that’s damned fine police work.

Back the Dollhouse, Troika Doll (Victor) has been uploaded with Mr. Dominic, and actually does a half way decent impression of him. Dominic, in Viktor’s body, flips his lid, since his body is no where to be found, and they want his help. Riiiiight. He’s pretty livid. Who wouldn’t be. He’s given a mild sedative.

At the half way house, Dushku is mapping out how habitual child abusers convince their victims that there is no safety net. “Tell a teacher. . tell a priest,” (FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DO NOT TELL A PRIEST).

Dushku tells Susan to pretend she’s the prince. Susan says “but he’s a boy,” and Dushku says “That’s not his fault.” Heh.

Time for Dushku to go, but before she does, she tells Susan “You let me sit very close to you, which tells me you have a blade on you, so just give it to me now and I won’t tell anyone.” Nice.

Susan gives up what appears to be a switch blade.

Dushku talks to the administrator, who appears to accept that Dushku knows what the hell she’s doing, and says she’ll come back “in awhile.”

Helo shows up in the hallway to his old place, which I think is supposed to another place and knocks on a door. Hoban Washburn has been hitting it really hard lately, and looks like hell. “Steven Kepler, is that you?” asks Helo. Wash is all Bill Clinton about it (“depends on the defition of Steve Kepler. . .)

Helo muscles his way into Wash’s apartment and finds about three quarters of a million dollars in weed, which Wash claims is carrots. Medicinal carrots. That were there when he moved in.

Helo diffuses the situation by bringing up environmental systems. It’s nice to see Wash again, and he gives a great little performance as a sort stoner environmentalist.

“Tell me about the Dollhouse.” Says Ballard.

“They’ll kill me, and you and kill me again.” Says Wash. Helo brings out his heater and Wash whimpers “And now there’s a gun!” Helo just found a new partner, but considering how dour this episode has been so far, I don’t think they’re the next Lethal Weapon.

Back at the Puzzle Palace, Troika/Dominic is being interrogated about the thumbdrive. Williams tells him it’s from the NSA, and he says “No, we didn’t communicate that way, we have phones. Who else would try to contact Dominic covertly?

“Alpha,” says Williams and Dominic at the same time.

“I guess he didn’t hear about the regime change.” Willams says slyly.

Apparently Alpha, like Dushku, liked to draw even while in the Tabula Rasa state; and would sign his name in a way that looked like a fish.

So Alpha is in Tuscon, where some sort of Head Headquaters is.

Helo pulls up with Wash in tow, who is saying they could use some rope (“Charlie Bronson always got rope and they always end up usin’ it.) Helo is pretty sure he’s only got two days most before they figure it out and kill him. Well they’re sort of busy.

As Helo tries to get Wash out of the vehicle Wash says “This is like one of those buddy cop movies where the hardnosed FBI agent and I’m the guy who hates buddy cop movies!” Heh. “Get out the car or I show the DEA your carrot plantation!” says Helo.

Helo has got to get in there and save Caroline, and Wash asks then what? There’s more people in there, Wash argues, and he’s not good with people.

“They’re not people,” Helo says coldly. Where he just an action stud I’d be “damn, that’s gansta” but consider the guy he started out as it is “Damn, that’s depressing.”

Sierra the Human Gazelle is uploaded with forensic psychologist Temperance “Bones” Brennan and is sent of too Tuscon.

Topher says it’s to be a quiet night anyway, as Helo is trying ninja his way into the Dollhouse, Wash whining all the way. It’s a two story drop, and Helo wishes they had rope, instead of the tire iron he apparently brought.

“This is the same expansious [sic] thinking that led to the Trail of Tears, maaaan.” Says Wash.

Back to Susan, reading Sleeping Beauty, as Helo breaks into the Dollhouse in a little “shit’s about to go down” montage.

Helo’s plan is just slightly better than “Get her!” because he gets Wash to dress up as a doll, and then tasers Topher (which I wouldn’t have had a problem with up until this episode).

Wash likes the place, Helo thinks it’s a bad place. Wash says it’s just place with bad people. We find out Wash is terrified by stairs without risers, because something could grab you from between the stairs. Makes sense to me.

Helo sees Troika and realizes even more of what he thinks is bullshit. Just keeps getting worse for this guy. Wash gets another computer and opens Winamp. The plan is run some program or do something that will open the doll’s sleeping chambers. Helo gets in there, apologizes to Chef Doll and then opens Dushku’s chamber. He says “Caroline,” and Harry J. Lennix levels a gun at Ballard’s head.

“Sorry Agent Ballard, you don’t get the girl. Give me your gun.”

“I don’t have a. . .” Ballard begins.

Lennix cuts him off, annoyed that Helo though he could put on over on him “You didn’t come in here if without one, put it on the floor, now.”

Dushku says “Who are you,” Paul introduces himself and Lennix tells Echo to go for a swim.

Helo complies, and then it’s time for this weeks fight! Helo knocks the gun out of Lennix hand, proving the tea-cup is the way to go with handguns, and Lennix comes back with a hard right cross that made my sub-woffer jump. Echo says “You hurt Paul.”

The have a rather interesting verbal duel about Lennix’s real role in Dushku’s life, and Lennix offers him a chance to go back the way he came. I’d describe this fight a little better; but it was really hard to follow since the scene was dimly lit, but they bust through one of the sleeping chambers and scare the crap out of Troika. Lennix tells Echo to run, and Ballard follows after her and says he’s going to get her out.

Echo has a flashback from a few episodes ago where she and Helo had a knock-down drag out fight and decides Helo is not actually looking for her best interests. She elbows him off a balcony and he goes through a table. They like breaking tables in this show.

Helo throws a chunk of the table at Lennix, kicks the gun out of his hand gets ready for round 2. Left right, blow to the throat, and kick into something else breakable for Lennix.

Doc Sexy Scars finds Victor dazed.

Helo knees Lennix in the face, Lennix gets Helo in a half Nelson, they get down to the floor, Helo knocks Lennix in the head with a rock.

Dushku bolts away, Lennix and Helo duke it out on the stairs, and then Dushku yank’s Helo’s ankle from between the steps and that’s it.

Doc Brings Troika into the lab, and Wash shows up and slashes his face, in a pattern similar to the Doc’s. The Doc says “Alpha,” and well, damn. Makes sense, I ‘spose.

Alpha menaces the doctor for a little while, as Lennix takes Helo to Olivia Williams office. . . for a stern talking to?

Meanwhile, Alpha is menacing the doctor some more and while I can’t actually say he’s in the right for approaching her the way he has, I can understand his feelings. The scene spells out that Alpha feels deeply victimized by the Dollhouse, and he’s past the point of caring who’s right and who’s wrong and blah blah blah, f**k it, you’re all going to goddamned die!

Williams and Helo shout over each other Robert Altman style, which is a nice touch even if those sorts of scenes where people measure their aggressiveness by shouting over each other are somewhat irritating.

Williams and Lennix take turns telling Helo he done f**ked up; which is funny. . because I’m pretty sure the Dollhouse only helps little girls through their dealings post tramatic stress once a year at most. Helo says if they didn’t want him to be such a pest, they shouldn’t have filled his life with lies. Which actually makes a ton of sense. In fact, if no dolls had any direct contact with Helo, he wouldn’t have gotten as far as he had. I mean, shit, it’s hard to write something off as urban legend if you keep running into walking proof every couple of days.

Williams asks Lennix if they should put him the chair. Because she’ll just torture anyone to death. Some one’s going to come looking for all these federal agents lady, trying thinking a few moves ahead, you know, like you usually do?

Alpha has the doc lure Dushku into the room, Alpha takes Echo up to the download room.

Meanwhile, Sierra/Bones has figured that the real Steven Kepler was killed in Los Angeles and dropped off by someone else, in this case Alpha who is TOTALLY RIGHT BEHIND YOU!

Actually no, but he does upload something into Dushku, and she’s all like “I remember you,” and then they make out and he says “I told you I’d come rescue you.”

They leave, and the credits roll.

SUMMARY

-Hell of a cliff hanger, really.

-Seeing Alan Tyduk is a seething villain was actually kind of neat; and the fact that his stoner Washburn was just an act was even better.

-While this episode was depressing, it was awesome. Good narrative flow, good structure, didn’t care for the edits, but no one’s perfect.

-I’m not entirely sure I’m still rooting for Alpha, as it appears his only goal was to get Dushku, and not deal a crushing blow to the Los Angeles branch of Dollhouse Ultd., I have to wonder if he’s really all that cool.

-Alan Tyduk been busy, he also made a PG porn episode. “ROUNDER VOWELS!”

Doll House Episode 10: Rich Folks Are Also Petty and Dull

2009-04-27T05:29:00.000-07:00

Last week Dollhouse was preempted though I have no idea why because I don’t watch this show on TV as it does nothing to help the show’s standing with it’s network.

Previously on Dollhouse: Ballard (BSG's Helo) got more information, and the guy from Homicide was tortured essentially to death. That scene is really unpleasant and I wish they’d stop showing it. In much the same way as I’ll never get tired of seeing rapists get pummeled and curb-stomped, and I don’t think I’ll ever be comfortable watching torture imagery.

On with the show!

We start out in a very stately garden where four guys are pretending like they just got done with a round of tennis. A stately lady, who answers to Margaret, in full riding gear takes a horse out for a quick trot after waving to these tennis posers.

A few seconds pass, and then the horse show’s up with no rider.

We cut over to the Doll House Puzzle Palace Head Quarters, and Eliza Dushku has just been uploaded or downloaded. Olivia Williams is there and she tells Dushku that she is in fact the lady who apparently died in the previous scene.

And roll the depressing opening credits! This time it only took them two minutes or so to get us here, and it gives the episode more urgency.

The newly promoted Harry J. Lennix is wandering around with nothing to do except feel guilty about how/why he was promoted. Topher the Tech is futzing around in the lab. He tells Lennix he was no fun as Dushku’s handler before and even twice as less fun as the head of security.

Then he makes a remark about Dushku being uploaded with the dead lady, who was special friends with Olivia Williams and makes some comments hoping for lesbianism after too much wine and oh, isn’t that witty? Yeah, I get that Topher’s an immature douche. Nobody actually talks about their co-workers that way with someone as dour as Lennix’s character.

Meanwhile, Dushku-imprinted with the dead lady- is having a light lunch with Williams with wine poured from one those really unwieldy looking carafes. They talk about how they made the imprint, and Dushku remarks about how great the new body is. Apparently, this client paid to be imprinted so she could attend her own funeral or solve her own murder. It’s very odd.

Dushku/Margaret is crafty as Hell, as she has written new identity into her own will, as she explains in the pew of what appears to be the estates’ chapel. Sad to say, this episode is already starting to bore me. The concept is exceedingly intriguing, but as usual the execution has something to be desired.

The dynamic between Williams and Dushku is odd, as they are thought to be old friends but it doesn’t quite feel that way, it feels more like Williams is indulging a fanciful teenager who is playing at being this person, rather than actually that person. Magaret’s young husband is in attendance, and he’s very young. That's really al he's got going on.

Back at the Puzzle Palace, the Torture Lights are blinking like rave as Topher runs his test on the Sierra, the Human Gazelle. Turns out he’s uploaded a gamer girl (or grrrl if that’s your preference).

I think the theme of this episode is the laziness of the Dollhouse. Topher could, you know, find a nerdy girl who plays video games and such, but the lazy way just uploads one into an already attractive body. There’s this weird pathetic vibe so far in this episode. They power up the Xbox (and how much easier is it to film people playing video games with no more cords?) and get ready to take turns “pwning” each other.

And we check in with Helo, who is brooding at the dinner table, possibly over the fact that the only people that matter in his life have been programmed to do so.

The scene is very sad, because Chef Doll doesn’t know she’s a doll, Helo does and can’t tell her and if you haven’t been watching the show, Helo acts like one of those boyfriends who hates sharing his feelings.

Helo swears he’s fine, and Chef doll is adorable. And here’s some really great lighting in this scene. He takes her wine glass, pours it out, and puts it in plastic, probably for a DNA sample. Helo’s character is probably supposed to be of Polish decent; a people who are historically incapable of quitting.

Meanwhile, at the post funeral drinking party (where nothing ever goes well) Dushku is trying to convince everyone that she is the identity that Margaret made up and it’s just not working. In fact, this scene is very well acted, because it’s really awkward to watch family’s fight, as it should be. Dushku realized everyone in the room is a suspect as they lay into the dead woman for all of her flaws and complain how hard their lives are.

Margaret, in Dushku’s body, learns that no matter how good your intentions were; people will see whatever they want and people’s perspective will be completely different than your thought.

Margaret’s son comes outside to talk a little bit more, and Dushku/Margaret tells him essentially what she couldn’t when he was growing up so he decides to kiss her and she nearly vomits. Really creepy.

Dushku/Margaret also talks to the young widower; Jack, who doesn’t really seem like a killer, but he inherited the horses, so he is also unhappy.

Dushku/Margaret calls Williams, says she loves these people, but doesn’t like them, which is the definition of family, really. She’s also apparently being watched, dun-dun-dun!

Back at the Puzzle Palace, Lennix has serious concerns about loading dead people into the dolls, and calls eternal life “The Beginning of the End.” He contends that morality is based on the fear of death, which I don’t exactly agree with.

Lennix also makes a point that when this little jaunt is over, she has to essentially die again. Williams pretty much says he’s there to handle it, and that’s why he makes the big bucks. Lennix almost dismisses himself before Williams essentially says “What else have you got?”

At which point Lennix pretty much says he’s on top of it like a hot air balloon, (“and what?”) and has already had Victor Troika Doll uploaded with a horse breeder program and sent to the estate to see about the horse named King’s Ransom. Damn.

Then Dushku/Margaret talks with her daughter, who complains about the Young Tropical Cookie she married.

Helo needs those prints from the wine glass run, and the technician at the FBI. Her prints match 9 files, then suddenly all the files delete themselves and no matches return. Helo’s friend at the FBI says “I just started to believe you.”

Topher the Tech is playing with the Gazelle, and they’re talking about classic sci-fi errors.

Dushku/Margaret figures out some more stuff. Like the most likely suspects no longer are. . . and snoooooooooore. . . . so boring.

Topher and Gazelle play some laser-tag, and it’s pretty cute, but also dull.

Helo! Tell me something’s going to get interesting! Chef Doll is pretty bubbly and happy, and is very nervous. She’s very much in love with it’s very sad because she’s been programmed. And their dynamic is ruined; then they decide to have angry sneery sex, because if Helo solves the case, no body loves him. I’d be kinda grouchy, too.

At the Estate, Dushku/Margaret is going for a little night riding (some funky combination of western and post, for you equestrians) when the son shows up and says, Hey, you’re totally my mom in someone else’s body!

Apparently he is also a client. Ha! She gets upset because he uses prostitutes, and he points out that she’s cheating death. I’m not sure why the conversation even goes that way. “Paying for sex, bad!” somehow brings us immediately to. . weather or not your screwing god over by getting extra time?

Then they talk about the son’s gambling problem.

Troika figured out that the horse has been juiced, and says he won’t buy it and tells the Tropical Cookie where to stick it as Dushku/Margaret and the son hide. The tropical cookie goes off into a rage and bangs on some bars with a shovel, spooks some horses, one of whom bursts out and knocks him down.

Dushku and the Son run some more before the Tropical Cookie catches up. Margaret’s son puts an iron hook in between his ribs, but clearly does it wrong because his lung doesn’t collapse and he’s still able to give chase.

Lennix has it all figured out; except who the killer is. He even knows about Topher’s “diagnostics.” That’s why he makes the big bucks.

Those of you who had being paying attention during this episode, not watching other movies on Hulu like I was, now know the following: there’s no way that the Tropical Cookie knew anything about drugging horses, while her son has been her son all his life, which means he’d know a thing or two. Got it? That’s murder she wrote stuff. Dushku/Margaret realizes this about ten minutes after we have. Angela Landsbury she ain’t.

And it’s time for the closing fight sequence! In this corner we have the Young Tropical Cookie! In this corner we have Nick the Matricidal Gambling Addict! Cookies blows through the door with a shotgun, then it’s a buttstock to the face for Nick, who comes back with a shot to the stomach, throws him against the wall and an a left right body combo. Cookie gets Nick in a headlock, Nick tries to choke Cookie, Dushku bashes him in the head with the shotgun, and Cookie brains him with a mirror.

Yay!

Dushku/Margaret re-writes the will to leave the son out, and then we check in with Helo and the Chef Doll, who is telling Helo she can’t handle that sort of nastiness on a regular basis. Well, that’s fine, neither can we. Helo being all sneering and nasty is kind of like Evil Superman in Superman III. It just feels unwholesome.

“Are you going to keep searching for Dollhouse clients?” she asks.

Helo, darkly, growls “I found one.”

Dollhouse Episode 9: “I’m keeping my sexy business woman shoes.”

2009-04-11T11:07:00.000-07:00

The episode recap once again treats us to the Chef Doll beating the hell out of a known rapist. I honestly can’t get enough of that scene, because it you watch it closely, you realize she curb stomps this dude on the edge of a coffee table. Damn.

Then we get a flashing lights and shadow POV shot of someone being strapped down to something by some people, one of whom is Topher the Tech, actually being useful for once.

Dushku and the Human Gazelle are outside the room where all these flicker bulbs have been installed. Dushku creepily asserts “She made a mistake, now she’s sad.” Next a gunshot and raspberry jam gets on the window.

Then cut to “12 hours earlier,” in the Dollhouse Scooby Van speeding down , where Dushku is describing BDSM in studded leather armor, and quite frankly pulls off an appropriate attitude making it pretty believable.

Harry J. Lennix is sitting across from Dushku as she speaks, completely bemused, trying hard not to laugh because 1. BDSM gear looks rather silly in normal light, no matter how fit you may be or your attitude 2. Dushku is talking all tough, and she is three apples high. 3. She says “I think you need a session in my dungeon so I can show you otherwise.”

Lennix says “Think I’ll pass.” Dushku says “Don’t be so vanilla,” and the spell is broken.

We get back to the Dollhouse Headquarters Puzzle Palace parking garage, where we see Troika doll and his handler getting ready for an engagement with Ms. Lonely Hearts. Troika, with a smooth English accent no less, says his handler has a “secret stash of Bodice Rippers in the van,” and further more wants to be kidnapped by a pirate (and who doesn’t every now and again.)

Dushku says “I know a guy. . .”

Troika’s handler calls Dushku S&M Barbie and says she take her over Smooth English Troika any day. She then makes a crack about Troika’s geriatric princess, and Dushku cracks a whip on her calf and says “It’s love, show some respect.”

Well alrighty then. We’re off to weird start.

Dushku gets wiped, and Topher tries to train his intern to do the post wipe greeting. The Head of Security bursts in and is no mood for Topher’s post-emo banter; and he’s the only character I like less than Topher at this point. The HoS, Mr. Dominic, meets up with Olivia Williams, and she puts him in charge. My land, this will get interesting.

Doc Sexy Scars gives Dushku an exam after a particularly the rough engagement of being a dominatrix, and she and Lennix exchange pleasantries about the weather before getting down to brass tacks and spelling out that the Dollhouse’s primary clientele have sexual desires. And Doc Scars goes on to say that they have a lot of same sex engagements (I mean, duh, what have been saying since episode 1; but it’s nice they finally acknowledge it).

Lennix also asks what happens if the client wants to hold the whip, and Doc Scars says “We don’t send the actives to be submissive,” which makes sense. The actives are investment; the more down time they require for healing, the less time they are making money. Like any other prostitute.

Topher, probably for the first time, actually figures something out and lets Lennix know that he thinks Lennix is a spy. Topher found a chip that allows his imprints to be altered, and tells Lennix he thinks he’s a spy. Lennix says maybe Topher should 1. Not have talked to him before calling Olivia Williams 2. don’t tell a spy you think they should leave.

Mr. Dominic freaks out at the news, and all the while Dushku is watching. I personally think the chip altered her Tabula Rasa imprint to be an intelligence gathering system. How the spy acquires that intelligence is anyone’s guess, but I do know Topher would describe it as involving proteins and acids and how we’re all unpredictable.

Topher tells Dominic he supposed to making sure everyone that works there is on their side; so he looks really jacked up.

Dushku wanders into the imprinting room and says “Everyone’s unhappy today,” scaring the bejesus out of Topher who is already more spooked than a horse on the Fourth of July. Topher actually has a great rant about middle management jackassery and what an idiot Dominic is for being upset that Topher caught the breach rather than prevented the breach.

Dushku says that Topher can make her different so she can help, and then primly sits in the chair.

Roll the depressing opening credits!

Cut to November being imprinted by the intern. Chef Doll is brought back to her apartment and Helo has read Catcher in the Rye several hundred times and has one of those charts that really driven men make with papers and strings. This is actually sort of sad to me to see a man of action be consumed with the theory. Helo really needs a task force.

Chef Doll listens as Helo lays out everything he knows; and he gives her an out. She instead says that one cannot have justice without snuggles, and they’re back together! Yay! Then she goes into a trance and tells Helo that her name is November and she has message from the Dollhouse. Whoa.

Someone has broken their security open pretty wide if they know when and where dolls are going to be.

Great exchange:

HELO: They did this to you?

CHEFDOLL: They did this long before you met me.

Nice little conversation that could be about all kinds of unsavory things.

Helo is pretty much devastated by this news, and hell, who wouldn’t be? If your favorite girl or boy turned out to be a brainwashed automaton sent to spy on you, you’d feel like hell about it.

Chef Doll, in November mode, tells Helo that if tells her anything about the investigation it will get back to the Dollhouse and that if Dollhouse figures out that Helo knows all this, they’ll kill him and they’ll have Chef Doll do it. Ow.

Then I get another Outback Steakhouse commercial, which apparently consists of “Our deals with make our happier than a [Australian person/mammal] (doing) [Australian thing] It’s a bonzer!” If they did this with any other kind of restaurant, I think it’d be really weird. “Paul Chen’s, deals so good you’ll be happier than Wong Fei Hung was when he became master of the Hung Fist!”

Back to the show; Mr. Dominic is being his usual self and Dewitt’s GPS isn’t working. Gazelle has apparently been imprinted with a Bad-ass. Gazelle’s mission involves some nifty spy things that’s actually much better written than the last “caper” episode. She replaces an employee on the train with a nifty syringe pen. (MARC riders, take note!)

The Gazelle shows up the room where they store the computer from Chuck. She swipes a tiny clear piece of plastic and rolls out. Security alarms go off as she exits, and the guard wands her. Wait for it. . . wait for it. . . she stands perfectly still until he puts the wand under her shoulder and then she takes out with blink-and-you’ll-miss-it speed. Nice.

Time to go!

She runs around the building a lot; and you know what? Kudos to who ever thought to actually show the high heels hitting the linoleum. We just don’t see that. Security staff catches up to her and fires their submachine guns because whatever she’s got, it is so important they’ll risk loosing another high clearance employee to stray bullets. She’s got a chopper on the way. . . but commercial!

And back, we’re on Victor’s mission for the day. He gives some roses to a very matronly lady and then goes out back and gets in a very nice English sports car and drives to a very nice house on the coast to meet with . . . Olivia Williams.

Haw damn.

Victor, implanted with Patrick McNee and little bit of James Bond, does a scene that’s filmed like an old movie where they can’t kiss for more than three seconds, and Williams says she used to work in a lab that made spare organs from stem cells, and says could talk about that in good conscience. (What the hell’s that supposed to mean, Dollhouse writers?). She seems moody and depressed so Smooth Troika suggested they take it elsewhere.

That where is, in fact a nice indoor fencing gym/lounge, where they proceed to duel. That just really damned hot, in what appears to be snake skinned fencing vests no less. Williams then cuts Smooth Troika; who decides to take the kid gloves right the hell off, and they wreck furniture and he disarms her and then they kiss. It’s actually a very well done scene as analogue to sex.

Then they actually have sex, because we just can’t be subtle these days. They have a very weird conversation where Smooth Troika, not knowing he is a doll but implanted with a personality that knows a decent amount about it, talks about why he wouldn’t want a doll.

Williams also has one of the darkest lines in the show: “Everyone has their first date, and the object is about hiding your flaws, and then you’re in a relationship and it’s about hiding your disappointments then once your married it’s about hiding your sins.”

Smooth Troika suggest they run away together, Williams says they wouldn’t own clocks or computers or sexy business woman shoes. It’s really sad because we know it can’t happen, and Williams realizes this a second after we do.

They fall asleep, then Troika wakes up alone; and Williams comes in and starts crying.

Commerical: Cisco apparently has technology that allows people all over the country to make fools of themselves at the same time.

Cut back to Dushku’s implanting. She is now a super lie detector (which means she’s implanted with Tim Roths’ character from Lie to Me*) who actually wants to interrogate Topher. Topher insists he found the spy, and therefore can’t be the spy.

Dushku says he’s either dangerously incompetent or trying to cover his tracks. I vote for the second one. And now it’s time for an interview montage!

Topher’s intern is pretty bitter.

Lennix says “We’re pimps and killers, but in a philanthropic way.” Dushku trusts Lennix implicitly, so the entire thing is worthless.

Doc Scars apparently doesn’t leave the office much.

Topher’s intern is supposedly the spy; and Mr. Dominic is damn sure of it. Dushku is damned sure Dominic works for the NSA and makes a fairly convincing or totally circumstantial, case of it until she says he apparently called the NSA. Dominic goes on and says calls shenanigans. Dushku says, yeah, it’s all not quite right except for one last thing: “20 seconds ago your unsnapped your holster.”

READY! FIGHT! Dushku owns Dominic, who let’s face it, is a gunman first and more of a brawler than an artist. Whilst fighting they discuss Dominic’s plan to maintain his cover in the Dollhouse, which means . . he’s been feeding Helo?

They scuffle some more, he puts her through a coffee table, and then picks her up by her hair (which always this thing that proves a male character in anything is incurably misogynistic to me). Dushku puts Dominic almost out a window and says “I’m not broken.”

She then brings Dominic before Williams; who is very quite British in her anger. Dominic says he was assigned to help sustain the Dollhouse, making Ballards earlier theory spot on. Dominic also says that if Rossum lets Dollhouse technology get out of control, it would be extremely bad.

Dominic gets sent up the Attic, but before he tells Dushku “One day you’ll be erasing them, and they won’t even see it coming.”

Then they tape a foam rubber block in his mouth and we’re back at the opening sequence, which looks even more like torture because now he can hear muted screaming. Just in case you start to sympathize with these philanthropic pimps, remember they torture people effectively to death.

Dominic pulls a gun from somewhere and shoots Olivia Williams, who doesn’t really care all that much. Doc Sexy Scars patches her up, with no anesthetic.

Lennix gets promoted and Dushku gets a new hanlder. Roll Credits!

SUMMARY:

-So if Dominic was the mole; but not who was feeding Ballard information, it’s possibly Topher’s intern is a spy, but not the one they were looking for.

-The narrative flow of this episode was completely great.

-Running in high healed shoes. Usually the way this is done is the show the shoes being put on and then they’ll only show the shoes again when the person in them is standing still. Then they’ll show the person moving from the waist up, but this little bit extra really added some intensity to the action.

-Lots of nice twists this episode; smoother than last week. It was a very insular episode, and I liked that. Scumbag of the week really isn’t a good direction for this show; a stance which I’m not going to budge on.

-No anesthetic getting sewn up, rockin' ab muscles, cool under pressure and can handle a sword. The only possible way Olivia Williams character is single is she's a work-a-holic.

Dollhouse Episode 8: Closure is How We Manipulate You

2009-04-06T15:54:00.000-07:00

Starting like we do on this show, Dushku shows up at Helo's apartment, after The Doll Chef decided to leave last episode because she needed some time away.

Helo was probably watching Silk Stalkings or something while collecting unemployment when Dushku came a callin’. She tells him she has a message from who ever is inside at the Dollhouse Puzzle Palace.

“I have something you need,” said Dushku, and then kissed Helo and Helo’s response, true to form is “Dude, I’m like a seaker of truth and justice so I don’t need to get laid.”

Dushku does’t believe this is true, and she’s right, it’s not so she convinces Helo to get busy on the couch that only a few days a go, his girlfriend was tossed over and killed a man in front of. If couches could talk.

Then the Doll Chef shows up, and Helo actually says “We’re all a bit confused right now.” And then continues the bow-chica-wow-wow and The Chef is completely aghast and says she’s not even real.

Helo then says “I’m sorry, I have a thing she needs!” Ho-ho! Clearly this is a dream a sequence. Then Doll Chef says “Caroline doesn’t need anything anymore, she’s dead!” and sure enough Dushku stops moving, and gets really pale and ewwwwww. Then Doll Chef starts seeping blood from her hairline. Helo is clearly suffering masculine depression stemming from the fact that he is not Batman then he wakes up.

Back at the Dollhouse Puzzle Palace Slumber Party room, those creepy doors slide of the beds and out come the Chef, the Gazelle and Dushku wander around.

Olivia Williams is holding meeting, to which Topher the Tech is late, where they are discussing everything that you already figured out last episode. Then the Dollhouse head of security gives a little speech proving he is the most monstrous sociopath any of us has ever seen by suggesting the handlers treat their dolls like pets. If they talk or start to learn, you need to be concerned. This guy apparently never owned German Shepard, because those dogs can do long division.

Oh, hey, Doc Sexy Scars, where have you been? Healing up rather nice, we see.

Topher throws out some bullshit technical words about chemicals and proteins, and everyone’s told to keep a close watch on their dolls, in case they become intelligent. Topher then says they’re going to test some new drugs on the dolls during their sleep cycles.

Later that night, everyone in that particular chamber wakes up with their original personalities with some pieces missing. Topher is so f**king fired.

One guy says it’s aliens, Troika drops back into Army mode, but they all decide to more or less go with the flow and they all wander around the compound until they get to the main hall. Some girl says “I like pancakes.” And Troika responds with “We’re all gonna die.”

Which is totally what I’d say in their situation.

So this fresh out of the oven Scooby Gang looses one of their number to a reprogram, and they all decide it’s time get the hell out of dodge.

The head of security tells Williams some of the dolls are going to escape, and she says “Right on schedule.” Oh, how evil! So Topher's not fired. Boo!

Troika Doll and the Human Gazelle decide it’s time to roll. Dushku and The Chef soon follow, and they find where they keep all the doll’s clothes. Troika finds the buttless chaps and is a little startled.

They make it to the parking garage and try to steal a vehicle.

One of the Dolls comes out of a returning vehicle in full battle rattle army gear, with no patches on the shoulders and a ton of magazines; as I’d guessed the dollhouse supplements special military operations.

Another doll comes out of the garage elevator dressed like Cabaret and speaking French.

Echo decides this is some balderdash, and she’s going back in there to “make a difference.” Bearing in mind, we know that making a difference is what got Echo in this trouble in the first place.

We next see her trying to break open a lock to a gun cabinet with a fire extinguisher when one of the of the other handlers finds her and a knock down fight ensues in which Dushku wails on this lady, grabs her keys and opens the gun cabinet.

Helo brings some hardware he found in apartment to Hoban Washburn’s Great great great great grand father, who identifies it as “non-existent,” and tells Helo he is nailed to the wall. Not much new there.

Dushku in Caroline mode begins to throw the Dollhouse into chaos; much to everyone’s surprise she first causes a power outage. Funny, when she’s not distracted by puppies that she can actually kick some ass.

Topher is freaking out because he is scared of the dark, and Dushku emerges from the shadows ready to blow a hole in him. After the commercial break she asks him what they do to people in the dollhouse, and Topher, being scared out of his mind says it’s “complicated.” Topher has been taking lessons from Ron McMahon.

We also get to find out the exact year; it’s 2009.

Meantime, we also get to find out Sierra was actually kidnapped and brought into the dollhouse because she wouldn’t sleep with some dude; who’s apparently a regular client.

That’s like pure evil. It’s okay though, ‘cause Crusty Old Staff Sgt. Troika is on the case, and he is not happy. There is something really tragic about what this guy is done; and it’s really terrible, but it’s well known this show has nothing but venom for the wealthy. I’m not going to say gimme something new because that’s a primary theme, but present it in a better more interesting way than “Rich people want to have sex/murder/be unpleasant to the disenfranchised masses with no messy consequences.”

Dushku is giving Topher the third degree about the dollhouse, and once again compares what they do with people memories with murder. I agree and I don’t. Depends if you believe we are merely the summary of our memories; but as this episode speculates; we have innate traits that aren’t actually attached to our memories, therefore they haven't actually been murdered, at least not permanently.

So she tries to put Topher through the memory wipe chair before Olivia Williams shows up and stops here. She explains that she eased Dushku’s suffered and self-justifies for a while at gun point. Dushku puts a few bullets into the equipment just to make herself clear.

Meantime, Troika and The Gazzelle hug as they hide from security, and The Chef finds her daughter’s grave.

Then Dushku insists that all the dolls be set free. . with no programs. . which is a mistake if you ask me. This why Dushku Caroline failed the first time: she does not plan. She sees that she wants something, like change or free puppies or something and she does it without even thinking about it. Honestly, had it not been for the Dollhouse it's entirely possible her tunnel-visioned idealism may have got her killed by now. Then they all shut down and get picked up by handlers. So this was the most intense training exercise anyone’s ever devised.

Then we flashback to Doc Sexy Scars telling Olivia Williams that they need to “let the tide come in” so that each one feels closure. Except Dushku, whose closure didn’t make a whole ton of sense, really.

Doc Scars tells Lennix he should be grateful for the whole fiasco, and he says, cool as can be “I’ll work on that.”

And then we have the most depressing ending of this show to date, depressing music, blank expressions, back in the sleeping chambers.

Finally, back to Helo! He get a call from Dushku, who tells him what’s going on and pretty much assures him the game is still on without actually giving him any new leads.

Roll Credits!

SUMMARY:

The rich people are evil theme is getting old. I know rich people are the new Nazis these days or something, but this really getting absurd and more importantly, it’s getting boring. I know not every character can have the depth and sympathy of Patton Oswald’s character, but really this endless cavalcade of very similar sleaze bags who almost all appear to be men in bespoke suits has got to stop.

I’m fairly pleased with the overall thinking behind this episode, and it’s a good stop gap measure to keep the dolls in line for a little while that also sets Echo apart from the other dolls. Overall the plotting is much, much smoother over these past few episodes, which is nice.

And WHO IN THE HELL PROGRAMED ECHO TO COMMUNICATE WITH HELO TWO EPISODES AGO?! No hints on that? Nothing? C'mon!

Doll House Episode 7: After Action Report

2009-04-06T12:38:00.001-07:00

-The big scary, potentially Zaibatsu style corporation is named Rossum. Apparently Dushku, when her name was Caroline, sought out the corporation, or they found her as a result of something shady.

-At a research lab, three people go crazy. That lab is owned by Rossum. It’s related to a Doom Drug that breaks down inhibition and opens up repressed memory. In our world that’s called “booze.” In the doll house universe it comes in a vile that looks like Gatorade.

-So they need the Actives to get things straight, because they don’t have memories outside of what Topher the Tech gives them. Olivia Williams uses the term "boots on the ground" which I sure is supposed to sound tough, but really sounds like a bureaucrat appropriating war terminology to sound like they know what they're doing.

-Dushku is wearing those white yarn stocking things from opening credits; and she’s going to learn how to ride a motorbike.

-And we drop in on Helo and The Doll Chef, and they have yet another well written, well acted conversation which includes great little lines like “We don’t need to fast forward to the honey moon just because I had a bad day.” And she asks him to drop the case. What is a Helo to do? Snuggles or Justice? Snuggles! Justice! So torn!

-Olivia Williams sends a ton of actives to Rossum to find this missing vile of super Gatorade. Topher programs the Troika Doll to be an NSA agent, outranking Olivia Williams right hand man by a few pay grades. Sierra, the Human Gazelle, has been uploaded with the personality of a CDC doctor. This seems extremely convoluted; but then again if Rossum has a super drug that turns people crazy, they’d want to keep it under wraps.

-Dushku has tied a dude to a bed, and is filming it. It’s a little weird. She tunes in the news by accident, sees it and has a flashback to her old life. She rolls out leaving dude tied to the bed. He’d better get a refund.

-Horribly depressing opening credits.

-Flashbak to Caroline’s old life. She’s loves this dude and it’s rather dull.

-Olivia Williams tell Topher that the CEO of Rossum is a barely competent douche nozzle. No one’s really shocked by such an insinuation in this day and age.

-Dushku rolls up on Troika and his other Doll Boy troopers, and then Harry J. Lennix shows up and this college campus where people are roaming around like they’re on drugs. Duskhu apparently was some sort of activist for some sort of cause that gives her the righteous indignation enough. . . remember it despite having her memory erased. Rossum, was apparently Dushku/Caroline’s primary target before she was even a doll. Now, I know that this stuff is supposed make us think “wow, she’s all, conscientious,” but really if the reason she’s in the dollhouse is because she attempted and failed at an act of anti-corporate terrorism, I find it hysterically funny that’s she’s now a cog in the evil corporation she was trying to shame.

-Dushku was uploaded with a silly girl personality, and Harry J. Lennix also got the silly virus from the Gatorade, which is now apparently contracted through touch.

-The drug kicks in in the office. “What part was believable before?” asks Topher. Williams: “Sarcastic? Unfeeling? British?” and “I find lentils completely incomprehensible.” Topher: “You haven’t seen my drawer of inappropriate starches?!” Who actually appears to be less affected, despite roaming around in his underwear. This episode’s gimmick is austere people acting silly, and it’s actually sort of amusing, but after the previous episode’s momentum, and after they’d more or less wasted so much time before that, these wacky hijinks aren’t really welcome.

-On the college campus, someone recognizes Dushku as Caroline

-Things go down the tubes fast; as it turns out, everyone is affected, because Topher is an idiot and doesn’t know what's he's doing (which should as a surprise to no one at this stage) that they don’t actually erase people’s memories, they just repress them really well. Sierra has a flashback to her ugly recent trauma, and Troika doll has a flashback to an suicide bombing in Nonspecificistan. Olivia Williams’ Head of Security is freaking out as well, while Dushku and a new righteous college student are trying to find something in Rossum’s basement, then the college student in the world turns out to be a corporate spy.

-I really hate the outfit Dushku got saddled with for this episode, I’m not sure why. It’s just seems. . . creepy. It covers enough as to be prim and proper, but whenever she moves is threatens to be revealing, so it's more like a stripper outfit. Coupled with that "I'm a girl tee-hee" personality she has this episode, and we have recipe for creepy. And of course she's got heels on, and she goes tearing around in them like it's the Olympics.

-Harry J. Lennix knocks the corporate spy on his ass, and apparently recovered from the effects of the drug with only the help of some soulful piano playing.

-The end of episodes was like the day after a wild party, where everything is awkward and no one really wants to talk about it.

-The Corporate Spy shows up at Olivia Williams desk, and she says she can offer a monthly stipend so his mother doesn’t loose her house. Apparently the dolls get paid some sort salary.

SUMMARY:

Overall, this episode is better than usual, but not as good as last weeks. What’s really good about last week’s episode is redefined the tone for show, so now we’re seeing these characters in stories in a much better way overall.

A lot of the technical improvements I noticed in "Man on the Street" are now gone, and that's rather a shame, and while this episode felt a lot more briskly paced than the others, the most interesting story arc, Helo and The Chef, got almost no airtime at all.

iTunes thinks you are a lesbian

2009-04-03T17:44:00.000-07:00

On browsing my extensive collection, I found I did not have "Tom's Diner," in any version.

I sought to correct this via itunes. Itunes, dutiful program that it is, did so promptly, bless its digital little heart.

Then it stepped over the line. It suggest a playlist called "Gay Pride: Girls." Now, that's not what was over the line; what was over the line was the playlist itself, transcribed below with commentary (weee!):

Melissa Ethridge - I'm the only one : Alright, explicitly a woman singing about another woman. Fine.

Indigo Girls - Closer to Fine : Yeah, makes sense.

Cyndi Lauper - Girls Just want to have fun : Now, we all know Ms. Lauper is a big supporter of Gayness in general and so on and so forth, but what exactly is gay about this song? I mean, yeah girls want to have fun. How's that gay? Unless "girls" is intended in the homosexual post-Polari slang that men use to refer to other men, then what's gay about girls having fun?

Sophie B Hawkins - Damn I wish I was your lover: Once again, how is this supposed to explicitly gay? This play list has veered dangerously close to appropriation. . .

The Pretenders - I'll stand by you: So . . if a woman sings about supporting someone, it's effectively about being a lesbian?

Shawn Colvin - Sunny Came Home : This song is clearly about repairing past damages, rebuilding your life, and so on. . . so how does that relate to girl on girl? Don't answer that. . . .

Sinead O'Connor - Nothing Compares 2 U : This song was originally by Prince and The Family and therefore was totally about a girl; so when Ms. O'Connor sings it, yeah, totally gay.

Paula Cole - I don't want to wait : This song is clearly being sung about/to a dude "I don't wanna to what his father, his father, his father did" and is probably her most whiny song. Hetereo-feminine assertive at best, not very gay.

Suzzane Vega - Luka : This song is sung from the perspective of an abused child, and I think it's inferring too much to assume it has anything to with sexuality. Reaching. Really reaching.

Dust Springfield - You don't Own Me : Once again, merely feminine and assertive.

T.A.T.U. - All The Things She Said: The name of the band means "This that", in feminine grammatical gender form, so "She Her." Two adorable Russian pixies who love each other very dearly. Yeah. Gay. Seriously, I'm pretty sure at this point they were engineered by some sort of mad pop scientists to sell billions of albums.

Meredith Brooks - Bitch : Quite apart from the blandness of this little ditty, I'm once again not sure how being assertive is some how supposed to be gay.

Joan Armatrading - The Weakness in Me : Classic. Also, really very neutral, not much else to say, probably not as gay as it could be.

Helen Reddy - I am Woman : Learned, experienced, been through narrative sort of song. . . once again. . not an experience limited to gay or straight women, I mean, you could claim that being gay means a harder life or something, but . . . I'm not going to concede that point under any circumstances.

Alanis Morrisette - You learn : WTF? Seriously? A song about growing up and learning is gay now? WTF?

Janis Joplin - Piece of My Heart: Could be about either gender. Reaching. . . .

k.d. Lang - Barefoot: Alright, so in the initial, "Hey new user, dig these tracks" playlist. . . isn't "Constant Craving" What. The. Hell.

See, my issue, as you may have guessed, is that some how feminine strength or assertiveness is some how gay. I think this is utter balderdash and I'll tell you why: despite everyone (read: frat boys with those white hats at a 14-45 degree angles) professing an undying love for lesbianism, homosexuality is still taboo. So essentially, it appears to me as though this playlist is attempting to enforce the idea that being a woman and assertive is some how taboo.

Now if that's not the case; then this play list is appropriation: IE "This song is actually not about a Mercedes Benz, it's actually about being gay! Oh, you didn't know. . .?" which is also irritating and dumb.

Dollhouse Episode 6: More Like This One, plz K , thx.

2009-03-22T07:48:00.000-07:00

Alright, right off the bat, this episode is head and shoulders above the past five in terms of establishing milieu with a framing device of documentary news footage investigating the “urban legend” of the Dollhouse.

Okay, this should have been the pilot.

We find the Dollhouse is rumor, conjecture, accepted urban myth of Los Angeles since the 1980s in this world. Excellent! See, now I understand why they’re able to get away with their glob trotting shenanigans! They’re like the Illuminati or something. It’s too stupid to be real!

“Oh it’s happening, there’s one thing people will always need is slaves.” Says one woman.

Another speculates about not having to remember and says if she didn’t have to remember, she’s sign on the dotted line in a heartbeat.

Helo, meanwhile, has recovered a video tape of Dushku, last episode in fact, but I was too bored to mention it. He then has a confrontation with Romo Lamkin from BSG, who is playing an FBI agent who is lazily solving crime.

Back at the Dollhouse Puzzle Palace, Sierra sits by herself, while Dushku and Troika wonder why she’s sitting alone.

Troika walks over to her and puts his hand on her shoulder and she screams and throws herself out of her chair. It’s a really wrenching scene evoking a confrontation with abuse.

Later on, Dr. Sexy Scars says Sierra has had sex (called it). And creepily, she also says that Troika “Likes to play,” and Sierra’s handler is livid about it. Which makes him a suspect.

Back to Helo. Helo is finally doing what I’ve been saying he should do for five episodes: follow the money.

Hell yeah! All of the sudden this show doesn’t suck! Sweet! Even the way this episode is shot is an improvement. The angles are tighter, the lighting is much more dynamic, and the editing makes a ton more sense.

Also, Helo has a date! With the super cute girl next door! Woooo! The exchange really great dialogue about dating and people and it’s so smooth!

Helo has a plan. Apparently it involves catching Patton Oswald having sex with Eliza Dushku. Helo, being a bad-ass with cherry on top, gets the drop of Oswald’s body guards as Dushku pulls up in a nice car with her happy homemaker/working girl program in full swing. Helo makes his way inside a very nice house and catches up with Oswald in the kitchen, and then he sees Dushku!

And then the super depressing opening credits.

Then we have a more documentary footage. Somebody’s grand father says “If they’d have had it in my day, I would have had Betty Grable every night!” HA!

Another woman says if she should have a doll and there was no consequences, then she would. . . .totally not tell you! HA!

Back to Helo! Great pacing so far, this really should have been the pilot.

He’s confronting Oswald on the whole “You have a Dushku in your kitchen,” thing, and Dushku is freaking out, because she instantly jumped to the conclusion that the reason this FBI agent in their kitchen is because her husband has done porn.

Then one of Oswald’s body guard’s runs in a tasers the crap out of Helo, and Dushku asks “Is this a porn man!?” and Oswald says “There is no porn!”

This is the kind of exchange and context the show was lacking before, and Dushku plays flustered really well.

Then Helo, despite being recently tased, elbows the Porn Man body guard in the face, and kicks Oswald in the solar plexus. Then he drops another body guard with ease; it was like Bruce Lee vs. the captain of the High School swim team. The third guard actually took a year or so of martial arts, and takes more than three seconds to take down. Listen here, folks, this is Helo! He is a man given super-strength, speed, and agility not by science, but by faith in the rightness of his mission.

Harry J. Lennix shows up and yanks Dushku out of there before things get really nuts.

Patton Oswald, does a fine job of being nerdy but sinister here.

Helo asks about the Dollhouse.

“It’s pink, and it opens up and there’s teeny furniture and you put the boy doll on top of the girl doll and we learn about urges.” Says Oswald. Helo throws the table between and does the classic tough-guys sit on chairs backwards thing.

“What’s her name?” Helo asks.

“Rebecca. She told you.” Says Oswald.

“Really, how do you know Rebecca?”

“We’ve been married for seven years.”

“That’s your fantasy?” Helo asks. They have a great conversation about fantasy, and Oswald is a godsend in this episode as a not-quite-villain with a degree of depth and understanding and an intensity about him that lends a lot weight to what he’s saying.

“There’s no room for a real girl when you can feel Caroline (Dushku) beckoning, is there?”

And back at the Puzzle Palace, Lennix is talking with Troika’s handler about all kinds of things, and it seeps into the realm of victim blaming and situation blaming, and it’s another improvement to anything Lennix has said to Topher.

Meanwhile, Topher the Tech and Dr. Sexy Scars are trying to figure out if Troika actually had sex with Sierra, or what she actually meant by “He likes to pretend we’re married.” Which sounds really creepy.

A brief aside here: this entire subplot is welcomed creepiness. It gives me all the things I’d been hoping for; addressing the weirdness and unpleasantness of the memory erasure while at the same time acknowledging the basic humanity of the characters and in addition, addressing issues of violence against, well, children. As we know, the Dolls are like children when they are tabula rasa. Creepy!

Back to Patton Oswald, who is describing why he hires a doll, to pretend that she is his wife. His wife died trying to make it to the house he had just bought. She was killed in a car accident on the way there. It’s very affecting, and establishes further that moral gray area we needed for this show’s characters.

The police sirens are in the distance and Oswald let’s Helo know that he’s got nothing. The doll is gone, Oswald owns the house, and Helo is trespassing, after he committed assault on several employees from Rent-A-Goon.com.

“First hurdle in my business is the people who will not accept the change when it’s already happened.” And “Go ahead, go and live in your real world! If you ever did!” Oswald spouts.

Then, quietly, bitterly, Oswald says “Happy anniversary.” and sips his champagne.

More man on the street! What a great device this is! It certainly makes the show seem far less braindead.

One young lady suggests that it could be a potentially beautiful thing to be with a doll and another woman with a baby carriage says it’s human trafficking, plane and simple. This really could have been the pilot with a little tinkering.

Then Lennix is looking around the puzzle palace for . . . something. I guarantee he’s going to find evidence that Sierra’s handler is a rapist or something. He calls his bosses, and says to take Victor off the floor and his handler.

Security comes and gets Victor and his handler. There is something sinister about the whole thing.

Really, this is misdirection. The person who engages in victim blaming, Victor’s handler, doesn’t want to accept the fact that abuses can happen, but that doesn’t make them an abuser per se. Just an enabler.

Helo has a date, and he tries to be nice even though he’s just beat the hell out of half a platoon of body guards and such. His sweet girl-next-door neighbor is trying to be comforting, but it mostly just turns awkward.

Then back to the Puzzle Palace. Spoiler: Sierra’s handler clearing intends to bone her, (called that!) because of course, he’s a bad bad man. And then Lennix knocks his ass through a window! Things that will never get old for $200: If Dollhouse does more of this it may last it’s entire run before cancellation. What is watching rapists get punched in the face so hard they fly through plate glass?

Lennix set up Troika’s handler to take the fall so Sierra’s handler would feel like he was safe, because as you know, Lennix’s character used to be cop, and knows how to get scumbags to act like scumbags.

In Olivia Williams office a little later (What’s up girl?! Where you been at?) Lennix is reprimanded for taking action on his own, and then given a bonus.

LENNIX: I don’t need a bonus

WILLIAMS: Well I need to give it to you. That’s all.

LENNIX: Ms. Dewitt.

Once again, this episode actually gives the characters reactions and skills that make sense within their background, when they’re background isn’t changing ever episode. Then again, if the dolls were written as well as the regular non-erasable characters this show would be great. I blame Topher, as I do for everything.

Olivia Williams talks with the head of security about this that and other thing, including the fact that they have a camera in Helo’s apartment. I’m pretty sure I’m supposed to feel like they’re evil; but instead I tsk Helo for not sweeping his place for bugs on a regular basis.

The head of security asks Williams is she has an exit strategy and points out that a) a handler was abusing one of the actives (but I don’t know, I think that if the consequence of that is going to be a old fashioned Chicago beat-down by H.J. Lennix, the other handlers will think twice) and b) Helo is actually not a retarded federal money waster and will get to the bottom of this thing unless stopped.

Williams higher-ups are again mentioned. Williams wants Sierra’s handler brought to her; which sounds really sinister. And then she icily mentions a second date between Dushku and Helo.

We have another documentary interview in which a guy, with his girlfriend standing right there, goes on about how some guys might like to check it out and by it, of course I mean a one night stand with another dude. But he specifies “nothing queeny.” Which is hysterical.

Then it’s to Topher the Tech, who appears to actually be doing some work for once, rather than shamming like the King Bullshitter he is, and he’s trying to engineer a “gorgeous but deadly” sort of personality type. Control freaks apparently don’t make great fighters. Lennix pops in to say hi and Topher whines that he’s in his “process,” boo-hoo, douche bag. You talk to Harry J. Lennix.

Dushku’s going on a date, and Lennix is on lock down for 48 hours (“min”), and the have a nice little chat about Lennix’s skills at police work, and Lennix rolls out to chill.

Topher implants Dushku with the lovely/lethal thing he was cooking up (almost literally, as he uses a ton of cooking metaphors). Then we cut to Williams’ dealing with Sierra’s handler.

It’s a fairly well acted and executed scene, and Sierra’s handler uses just about every classic evil man line in the book from vague homophobic invective to “she was asking for it” clothing criticism.

“You put her under some fat old Emir, (and just a dash of Xenophobia!) it makes it better because she thinks she’s in love for all of a day? We’re in the business of using people!”

Williams says, “What’s the best use for someone like you?” And then she tasks him with killing Helo’s neighbor (You guys called that).

Then we cut to Helo’s neighbor in the throws of coitus, and then there’s yet another well done conversation about not being clingy in which Helo adorably faux-sulks about not being a piece of meat.

“Is this the part when you dress me up and use me as bait, because those movies never end well. . .” she asks. Oh god! No! Don’t kill the adorable Neighbor Chef!

Helo goes down to the local Chinese food shop, and thinks he sees Dushku in kitchen. He wanders in there and since she’s been been programmed with Topher’s La Femme Nikita Neopolitan, she completely owns a guy who can lay the smack down on nearly everyone else he crosses.

Then another man on the street tells us we’re being brainwashed. Wait for them to tell you what to buy.

And then a fight scene! Woo! Helo realizes he can’t really hold back against a female who had been created by Joss Whedon, other wise he’d be killed. So this set piece is a brawl and a half with frying pans and cooking pots and suplexes onto automobiles.

After that Dushku let’s Helo know 1. There over 20 Dollhouses in cities around the world 2. Someone, a “man on the inside” haX0red Duskhu’s personality to let Helo know the entire score, which means Topher is either an idiot or actually as good he wants to people to think he is 3. He will be contacted again.

Then she gets Helo to shoot a cop who responding to a noise disturbance. Dude, like damn! “Noise disturbance” this officer thinks. Turns the corner and gets a bullet in the shoulder. That’s gotta be a WTF moment.

And now we have a classical music-over violence scene in which The Cute Neighbor Chef girl gets thrown around like a rag doll as Helo runs slower than we know he is capable of for dramatic purposes.

The Chef is prone and Sierra’s handler is on top her. Then Williams calls and over the answering machine says “There are three flowers in the vase, the third flower is green.” And the chef lays a smackdown on Sierra’s handler that would make Lennix proud. Williams then says “There are three flowers in the vase, the third flower is yellow.” And the chef turns into a normal girl who is terrified of scary men dressed all in black. I had been hoping that The Chef wasn’t a doll, but the reveal was good enough to make me happy. Helo gives her just killed-a-man with her bare hands snuggles and the audience gets kind bummed that all of her adorableness and cooking skills are part of a program. Very sad.

Then we have a college professor type who says if this technology exists, it’s world wide and as a species humanity no longer matters.

Then Helo turns in his gun and badge after being suspended. Very sad.

Williams and the Head of Security discuss their seemingly air-tight plan. Sierra’s handler turned up as a floater carved up by the Russian mob, Helo no longer has government backing. Well done.

The head of security says it was a well played hand. Williams, who I’m positive can make anything sound sexy at this point says “I played a very bad hand very well, there’s a distinction.”

Sierra’s had the abuse wiped from her memory, which is probably for the best.

Williams talks to Dushku about a drawing she’s making. Dushku says it isn’t finished. Williams is visibly taken aback, and sends Dushku back to Oswald to complete the house fantasy.

Summary:

1.Someone’s either been reading my blog, or I’m just awesome because is what I’ve been saying this show should have been all along.

2.So I guess I will watch it regularly, now that BSG is over.

3.I’m going to take this as the Empire Strikes back after the crappy New Hope fluff that was the previous five episodes. We’ve established all the characters at this point, so I guess it’s really time to rock and roll. I feel sort of bad that the show was really just atrocious for five episodes, and that may be it’s downfall, but we’ve gone from The Six Million Dollar Man to Blade Runner meets the X-Files.

4.Joss Whedon his own self wrote this episode. It either speaks to his talent or every one else’s hackery. Next weeks episode is written by Elizabeth Craft, who apparently wrote for The Shield and Angel however her other episode of this show, Grey Hour (Episode 4) was painfully dull. I mean, when a show has multiple writers, generally, someone needs to smooth out the scripts and quality control them so the mesh better. Right now the show has been wildly un-even in terms of quality. IE this episode was great, while the rest were terrible, and actually look worse by comparison to this one.

5.Seriously, whoa. Everything about this episode was head and shoulders above anything we’ve seen so far. Tighter editing, crisper characterization, and grand-scheme overarching plot moves forward at a break neck pace.

6.“F Bitch I” is a great put down.

7.“The judge will throw the Kindle at you.” We’re living in modern times baby!

DollHouse Episode 5: Not even worth writing a full post

2009-03-21T18:35:00.000-07:00

-We get to meet the senator that keeps Dollhouse under the radar. He’s gotta be a smooth dude considering all the logistics that he’s managed to conceal from whatever senate sub committee he answers to.

-Funny exchange:

FBI LADY: Then you know that I have plenty of faces to scan for people much more impressive than you.

HELO: But not as charming.

FBI LADY: Was that supposed to be flirting?

HELO: I think so, it’s been awhile. Did I mention I was shot?

-So they blind Echo temporarily; and implant a camera in head or something. Wow that’s stupid. Seriously. Topher says something douchy, like he does. Next they send her to join this cult that senator asked them to infiltrate. Blind jokes and biblical references ensue. At least I like biblical references because I get most of them.

-Harry J. Lennix is a private contractor; who sells being a bad-ass.

-12 minutes before the opening credits. Could we get rid of those please? Really depressing.

-So the FBI face finder says she’s got no hits.

-Apparently Victor (Troika Gangster) gets an erection, and Topher acts like he’s in middle school, and apparently in the doll state they have no hormones. Which makes no sense. Dr. Sexy Scars says they have to watch all the security tapes to check for more erections. Ha-Ha Topher. Later on Olivia Williams orders him scrubbed and closely monitored. This is a HUGE mistake. Any organization that devotes any time to preventing consensual sex is wasting time and money, but whatever.

-Helo sees Dushku on T.V. So close! Heads down to Arizona, where the ATF agent in charge makes following the rules look like an evil thing to do.

-“God has message for you and it’s MOVE YOUR ASS!!”

-Then one of the cultists spits in Dushku’s face for ruining his faith. So she clocks him hard. Someone else rescues him, but I think she was just gonna leave him for being a punk. She also gets smacked around a lot.

-Icy British ladies are the hotness.

DollHouse Episode 4: Why On Earth Am I Watching This?

2009-03-09T10:19:00.000-07:00

Ladies and Gentleman! Before your very eyes may be the last Dollhouse post I make! Will I quit in disgust? Will just stop overanalyzing a show that doesn’t give me any credit to begin with? Will Joss Whedon finally give the internship I clearly deserve?

So we are at a snow capped mountain Chalet, and we hear a woman moaning and panting and oh-godding . . . and she’s delivering a baby.

Apparently Dushku has been programmed as a mid-wife. Professional mid-wives are quite expensive by my understanding of the qualifications and these people got a mid-wife from Dollhouse, which had to be a hojillion, which judging from their house they could just throw away on the most evil organization this side of S.C.U.M. from James Bond, Jr.

I have absolutely no idea why this was the intro, except perhaps to tell the audience that rich people have babies and aren’t all bad or that Dushku’s character can be implanted with skills other than kicking ass and porn-star stamina, but I don’t think anyone cares either way.

Back to the Dollshouse, Echo gets erased and goes to the DH chow hall for some food, and sits down with The Human Gazelle and Troika and they have a conversation that isn’t as bland as people with no memory should have.

Topher the Tech freaks out because they’re sitting together for the third time, calling it “grouping” and instinctual survival patterns. Harry J. Lennix, who probably figured out Topher was a douche factory sometime ago, doesn’t see it as an issue. If it’s instinct, why is he so concerned? Topher the Tech is not only a douche, I get the feeling he doesn’t actually know what he’s doing or talking about most of the time.

Olivia Williams has a new client, and he has a three dollar Russian accent, despite his name being Diakos, he is looking for someone for a job.

She gets a call and we see Troika’s file on the desk, and she’s really nervous because apparently there’s always someone higher on the food chain. She says he, and I assume she means Helo, needs closure.

Dushku is wearing the almost an entire calf worth of leather. And she’s a hooker, apparently. She flirting with some guy while his two friends look on and look nervous, they’re told by Security to take up to the room.

Then she’s running down the hall “OMG! MEN ARE EVIL!!!” pounding on doors and what not. She makes it to the Security Guard, who is cartoonishly large to start with, and Dushku makes it look like Andre the Giant trying to teach the 3rd grade.

He brings her downstairs and offers her a bribe of ten grand. She knocks it off the table, disgusted because they didn’t imprint her about the current economy. The security guy leans down to get the money and puts a knee square in his forehead, knocking him out.

What I said last week about it never getting old? Yeah, it’s kind of getting old. Guess it’s all about timing.

So then she calls her people and says she’s in. Ha! Joke is on you Security Guy! You fell for it because Dushku is a tiny girl! You fool!

Then we have the ever depressing opening credits. After a full ten minutes of show.

On with the show!

Those three guys who hurt Dushku in the beginning? Turns out they were in on this clever little ruse as well and they are totally going to rob this place. It’s a little clever. Until they start trying to converse, they have conversation about how this is a “No Kill” job or something. I know it’s supposed to sound bad-ass, but it sounds stupid.

Dushku’s imprint’s name is Taffy, and she’s a firecracker apparently. They blow the vault and go inside, where rare and valuable works of art and pieces of antiquity (their distinction, not mine) are secretly stored.

I’m trying really hard to watch this episode without stopping to read something interesting, but it’s very difficult. Note to people who make TV, if you’re show makes reading seem exciting, I believe you have failed.

So they’re going to steal the Parthenon, or some part of it.

And Helo! Our favorite agent is in that post healing depression, when you’re released from the hospital but still aren’t a 100%, and everything in your normal life is hindered by your injury. He opens his latest prescription and. . . notices there’s someone in the room with him! He wheels around and aims his weapon into the shadows, mostly because that’s his best bet. It’s Troika, who is in bad shape.

Apparently Troika is on a hit list or something, and tells Helo that he just got anonymous call from someone who sound like they were from Georgia. “Russia Georgia, not Sweet Home Georgia,” because apparently Troika is on of the few people in Russia who didn’t hear the Leningrad Cowboys rendition of Sweet Home Alabama over and over and over in the late 90’s.

“Alabama,” said Helo. Troika claims America is confusing and blah blah, I’m just a silly dumb immigrant. You know every time a character is irritating or unbelievable? I’m going to blame Topher the Tech for not doing his home work.

Back at the vault the bald nerdy guy is having a field day with all the stuff, and once he finds the chunk of the Parthenon, he bolts, but not before stabbing Duskhu’s computer tech with vaguely sword like piece of iron.

He slams the door behind him and pretty much screws Dushku and her unwitting subcontractors to the wall.

Dushku calls Harry J. Lennix (Where the hell have you been dude?) and tells him baldy made off with their objet d’art and without it, she doesn’t have a happy client. There was also some conversation about how the client is Greece or something, but once again it was dull and stupid and I had to pick up a book and read for a few minutes to keep from falling asleep.

Then, a weird noise comes up over the phone and Taffy Dushku becomes Dollhouse Dushku, the tabula rasa, as Olivia Williams calls it in every “previously on Dollhouse” intro.

And cut to Topher the Tech, who is being a dick to one of his interns, insisting she go secure pizza rolls and ice cream or something. As he is explaining to his intern, who is Asian and that’s probably why he hired her, about all the stuff he would surely teach her if she were more patient (which is horseshit, Topher barely knows his job and uses big words and misdirection to obscure that fact.)

As he’s explaining that he “breaks” his intern down “and then build ya back” a monitor in the background starts bleeping with “clearly not good stuff” Alpha patterns and what not are clearly in a state of flux. Or something. Topher the Tech prevents himself from saying “I have no idea what that means,” which I’m sure was his first instinct, and instead says “Uh-oh.”

Cut back to Dushku who is in a fetal position on the floor. The show’s at 22 minutes in, and I am so god damned bored. I started trying to write this thing at 0900, it is now 1105.

Oh wait, Harry J. Lennix has just caught up with the bald double crosser. This is going to be good.

“You drop it I shoot you, then you don’t paid or breath.” Nice.

The guy tries to drop the bag hard enough to put Lennix off balance, and in addition to being an excellent shot, Lennix can apparently bench a ton as well. He shoots the dude, barely.

Back to Topher the Tech, who insists he’s not an idiot while the Head of Dollhouse Security is, probably rightly so, sure that Topher fucked up somewhere. The listen to the call, and oh noes! It was a remote wipe! Topher the Tech says “I could not have seen this coming, this is not my fault!”

I really hate Topher the Tech.

He compares getting wiped to being born in terms of trauma, and while the Dollhouse minimizes this with “throw pillows and perfectly crunchy lettuce; there’s no conflict, but out there it’s all fluorescent lights and forceps.” (What a nasty image that is!)

Cut back to the vault, one of the robbers is trying to force Dushku back into Taffy mode, which isn’t working.

Meanwhile, back at the Dollhouse, they imprint the Human Gazelle with Taffy’s personality (Fans of Richard K. Morgan know this as “double sleaving”)

Back to the vault, where some boring stuff is taking place. I know it’s supposed to fascinating to watch the wiped Dushku discuss the meaning of art with a man who is bleeding to death. Is there nothing on this Earth more boring than listening to people discussing art? It’s also a little pointless. . . like this show.

Back to Dollhouse, where Taffy the Human Gazelle is none too pleased that Parthenon job apparently went to . . . someone else. My sincerest praise for the actress who plays the Gazzelle, as she carries herself with as much panache as Dushku did when she was Taffy. I really do get the impression that it’s the same person, and that’s really to her credit.

Then Olivia Williams convinces her by being border line flirtatious in a very British-sexy sort of way.

Then back to Topher the Tech, who is losing his mind and is certain that it’s a conspiracy that hacked his system and stole the wipe signal or something. He’s sure it’s multi-pronged conspiracy, after he babbles some neurological words like they make sense in computer terms.

Naturally if it would have taken that many people to make this happen, we know it was in fact, Alpha, Dollhouse’s “most mysterious hooker.”

Topher calls Lennix and tells him what’s going on. Lennix calls Williams and asked “WTF?!” Williams tells him things might not go so well, and warns him to mentally prepare for the worst.

Lennix says fuck all that, and has his bald prisoner draw him a map. Meanwhile Taffy Gazzelle says she needs to use the phone. And inside the vault, they’re sure to come up with an escape plan soon. I sure hope it’s interesting.

Back to Topher the Tech, who blames Umio Takahashi, a hacker in Tokyo, and says that if his plan had worked Topher would no longer be “Number 1 Son,” and I suspect I can add vague cutesy racism to the list of reasons I don’t like Topher.

Back the Vault, Gazelle Taffy is talking Wiped Dushku through getting out of the vault. It fails and the alarm is triggered and security shows up. Meanwhile Lennix is on the case, and rescues Dushku and her perforated computer tech. Yay!

Back at Helo’s apartment, Troika has been waiting for hours. Helo returns and tells him, ha-ha, I’m not giving you a new identity, I just put you on every BOLO from here to New York. Ha!

Troika is scared and tells Helo as much. Helo then delivers one of the finest lines of his character in particular and the show in general. “I don’t want you die, but if you do: a lot to learn from a dead body. I know how the Russians kill. I know they’re favorite weapons, I know where to look for bruises. I know which body parts they like to chop off and what message they want a body to send . . . if your body shows up and tells a different story, well, that’ll give me information too.”

Troika is scared.

“I’m a screw up, remember? My CI shows up dead nobody’s going to blink.”

Damn that’s ruthless! I love a good guy who’s ruthless! It’s also some damned fine work on Helo’s part, except that they’ll just retire Troika’s Russian gangster personality, which I suppose could be taken as a commentary on how it’s nearly impossible for law enforcement to do their job when it comes to powerful corporations, but I’m quite tired of giving this show that much credit.

Williams stares at the chunk of the Parthenon, and says they can have the antiquities dealer as well when they deliver the piece to the people. Then Topher the Tech shows up to ask if he’s fired, (which I goddamned well would have done a while ago), and it turns out his security clearance is being upped. Apparently you can fail up in private illegal enterprise. She’s going to tell him about Alpha the Mystery Hooker and he’s going to find a way to bring him down. Good luck with that.

Dushku draws the painting she saw in the vault in the steam on the mirror. The end!

Summary:

1. Every time I’ve mentioned this show in the past few days, people have always thought I was talking about the play by Henrick Ibsen. That’s probably for the best.

2. There are, or have been, at least 22 dolls by my count.

3. As I said, The Dollhouse is more or less a reprehensible enterprise, and I’m rooting for Alpha, even as he appears to enjoy sitting naked on his coffee table while planning the destruction of Olivia Williams and her business.

4. In the first season of the new Battlestar Galactica, I realized the show could be a master thesis on warfare and it’s effects on nearly every aspect of a society. Up until the middle of the fourth season, that was mostly true. I have no idea what this shows "master thesis" could possibly be, it's so all over the place.

5. The heist stuff in this show was stupid. I would imagine it was because it was very “girl” centric as most of the show is. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that a woman professional thief, professional assassins and the like aren’t actually that different from the men in their field. There might be mild variations in style and quality, but it’s comparing Delicious Red Apples to Washington Apples. End of the day they get the apple job done.

6. I’m going to start watching this show called “In Plain Sight” as it’s about an adult woman who very good at her job, which apparently involves less cute and more ass kicking.

7. I'm not entirely sure I should keep doing this, as it wasn't any fun this time around, but this episode was terrible.

Dollhouse Season 1 Episode 3: I'd be Frightened of that Stage, too.

2009-02-28T15:32:00.000-08:00

Spoilers Ensue!

I watched the episode recap, and realized that if since the doll's memories are wiped after each date, they probably don't actually have a lot of consensual sex. The concept of that is absolutely wretched to me, and the metaphor is beyond sad. Either it is a stand in for people who refuse to acknowledge victims of sex crimes, or how rich people get away with far more than those they are exploiting. I'm going to with the second one, just because that's in line with the show's hackneyed-before-the-crash theme of "Rich People Suck."

The opener is this syrupy pop number with a techno grind in the background that's being sung by a super athletic cross between Beyoncé Knowles and Brittany Spears wearing sparkly bra, belly dancer jingle belt and a thong. She's pretty much wearing convention gear.

It's a pretty neat set piece and it helps that this young lady can really move. So she singing about how everyone wants to have some sort exotic relations with pop stars and WHOA THAT OTHER GIRL IS ON FIRE! Goddammit she was cute! What the hell man? This show just keeps getting worse!

The stage crew puts the girl out (with a fire extinguisher. . which I don't think you're supposed to do, I think you are supposed to use a blanket) and hustle Beyoncé Spears off the stage. Pan out to a horrified audience, everyone agog except one guy, who looks like he got a D in gym class, because guys who get D's in gym class always become creepy later in life.

We check in on Harry J. Lennix, who is still a grouchy bad-ass thank you very much, as he is being examined by a doctor who may make deep angry facial scars the next fashion thing (she does rock them well) who warns him that broad arrows do more damage when removed (amazing how that fact made it into the show). All praise to Lennix because he makes the most cliched things sound completely awesome. This is the man who made Aaron the Moore much more than merely Elizabethan stereotype in Titus, so I'd except nothing less, but still, it's nice to see.

Dushku's new roommate is very exotic looking. Ridges on the forehead exotic. She's also two feet wide and four inches thick, and looks very natural while running, much like a gazelle.

Then we cut to Helo's apartment, where Suspicious Hoodie Man is trying to break into his apartment. Adorable Chef Girl opens the door to her apartment sort of thinking it's Helo, and then realizing it's actually his greasy Russian informant. The have a rather terse conversation that's mostly lies on his part and concern for personal safety on hers. It's like they're already on a first date or something.

She promises to give him a message and the Troika's card, and he rolls out, looking all greasy and sinister.

Meanwhile Olivia Williams has a new customer! Looking damned hot as always, she greets Ringo Star New Millienium Edition, who is Beyoncé Spears manager. Apparently someone's being trying to kill the startlet, once in Kansas City (HOLLA!) and again in Philadelphia (GO EAGLES!). So she needs protection from someone she can trust, because an entourage of expensive former Marines and ex-Navy Seals, well, that ain't gonna cut it, says Ringo. No. I need. Il Dushku.

Cut to our heroine singing. Badly. In really tight hipster jeans. And she's singing this song that is not just bad, it is really stupid. It's so bad it wouldn't shock me to hear it on the radio. Beyoncé Spears finds her intriguing, because her manager, Ringo, says she's trouble. Reverse psychology works on girls because they're dumb, tee-hee! Beyoncé strides over and starts singing the crappy song too, and despite the terrible lyrics they sound good.

Beyoncé says "Get her working," of Duskhu and saunters off. Ringo says she got the job and Beyoncé shouts "Why isn't she working yet?!" from off camera.

And then the opening credits. They get more depressing with each viewing.

Dr. Sexy Scars walks up on Topher the Tech and give him an earful about sending Dushku out on a dangerous mission so soon after being bow-hunted. Topher says that since that last one was supposed to be romantic and turned high-risk this one that's supposed to be high-risk may turn out romantic. Then he purrs at the thought of girl-on-girl and everyone who thought Whedon's work was feminist facepalms for the 80th time.

Also, I am now sure that Topher the Tech is a douche-nozzle. "You're both going to get married and have scowly babies" he says to the doc when she refers to Lennix's character by familiars. Which is funny, but he's really being a dick.

Then, somewhere else, Dushku takes her top off and puts on something even smaller than the Delia's bra she was wearing and then Beyoncé freaks out because someone has a mint. Everyone take 5!

Helo! Where have you been?! I miss you and I want to snuggle with you and your unfailingly moral characterization because this show is lame so far. Helo grills the Russian dude, who says Dollhouse is an urban legend. End Scene.

Back to the mission. Topher acts like douche again, while Lennix frets about Dushku's singing. It's really adorable because he's a total bad-ass. Then pan down and it's goddamned Russian gangster in the memory wipe chair! Dude! Major plot twist, just kind off-handed thrown in there. I don't know what I was expecting, and I guess intense music and editing would've made it stupid. At least we know what the male dolls get used for: misdirection. Because masculine sexuality is disgusting or funny.

So the guy who failed gym goes through metal detector in front of the concert; and then they hand his crutches which they didn't check for, you know, a disassembled rifle. Which is what I would have checked for.

"Check his crutches!" I'd say to my minions, and they'd be all like "Why?" and I'd say "Because that dude clearly got pegged in dodgeball when he was a lad and is therefor a sociopath who hides weapons in medical supplies."

"Dude!" They'd say as they found bullbup sniper rifle broken down and hid there and I'd say "That's why I make the big bucks."

I digress. The show goes fine, for some reason despite Mr. D-in-Gym assembling the rifle on one of the catwalks. I guess he breaks it down again and leaves. Probably a dry run. He's a meticulous psycho, since he only understands math and never played football. Then they go to a club, where we see HEY! Dushku's new roommate the Human Gazelle! She has been implanted with the personality of a drooling Beyoncé fan-girl, and is far less attractive for it, which speaks to her acting chops.

I realized as watched this Dushku was actually doing an accent, but since she was so subtle about it, it worked rather well. She really sounds like from a rough neighborhood on the east-coast. Nice touch. Then she throws a paparazzo over railing because he looked threatening.

Meanwhile D-in-Gym is right there in the club and no one is the wiser. Gah!

And cut to Helo! (SNUGGLES!) Troika Doll passes a tip to our favorite agent that there's abandoned hotel where he find all of his answers. Helo are you going to fall for this? If you die who will I non-sexually cuddle with after a hard day of dealing harsh justice? So he goes the hotel where he gets jumped by bunch of gangsters, and he totally owns them, ever after getting shot. Helo then asks about Dollhouse, and they insist they don't know. It's possible that all of them are male Dolls like the Russian Doll, so his admission means nothing now.

Cut back to Dushku.

In the big reveal of the show apparently Beyoncé Spears has always been in communication with Mr. D-In-Gym and wants him to kill her so she can be free. I'm sure this supposed to summon up some degree of sympathy, but I too, failed gym class, so ice water runs in my veins.

Beyoncé Spears is a whining spoiled little diva and I really don't give a damn if she wants to die. She went through all the trouble to find a reject from Freaks and Geeks who's a decent shot, more power to her! She's put more effort into her own demise than she does into her singing! This is supposed to be some sort of commentary on the price of fame or something and how it warps you, but I NEED to care characters here! Every time Dushku gets sent off to do something it's always for a miserable person I wouldn't piss on if they were on fire. Dushku's character when she has no personality is the most likable person at Dollhouse.

Beyoncé Spears takes the stage, even though Dushku is like Dude, WTF? You want to die? Don't go out there! You hired only four days ago, but in Hollywood time it's like been through two tours in Vietnam, and Spears is all Whatev! Going to dance my last dance, See ya.

Dushku runs around back stage looking for Ringo, and she's stopped by one of his assistants. He tells her to get stage left, and she's like "Where's Ringo?!" and he says "Oh, I'll take you there myself!" all haughty and grabs her arm. She wrenches free and says "I will smack you!" which was delivered with such panache I giggled a little.

Meanwhile, D-In-Gym is putting his rifle together, which isn't a bull-bup, while Beyoncé dances. She stops and asks him to show himself, and instead has to bring out the Human Gazelle so she doesn't get left hanging. D-In-Gym gets a comfortable position and adjusts his windage for "Concert Hall."

Dushku finds Ringo, tells him the score and he says shut the show down. The head of security insists that's balderdash because she's a backup singer so she makes a move toward the stage, he tries to stop her and gets dropped like a bag of wet mice by the might of Il Dushku.

Okay, really tiny people dropping much larger people like they were French Lit. 101 ain't gonna get old anytime soon.

Dushku finds the guy with a spot light and he fires two rounds that were apparently aimed at The Darkness, because they hit nothing, security clears the show and we cut to Helo in an ambulance.

Oh, Helo please don't die! I have a perfectly wholesome crush that I couldn't possibly go to Hell for, and you're the only person on this show-perhaps all of TV these days-with strong moral fiber! Don't go towards the light! Good makeup, though. Helo looks like he's gonna die.

Backstage, Beyoncé is laying into Dushku for stopping her show, because she has been made mentally retarded by her own self involvement.

There's a line here that struck me as well beyond the regular range of the show here: "They grow you in a lab?! [cute] You know anything about people? They love to see me die. 80 years old they'll be talkin' about tonight sayin they were there when. . ." That's brutal, relative to the rest of the show, at least.

Also, the line "You can fire me, but bitch don't think you can take me!" was also totally sweet.

The Human Gazelle tries to make her way backstage and instead gets nabbed by Mr. D-in-Gym, and he proceeds to make an al-Qaida style video with her via the internets. He establishes that they have what could be the most toxic co-dependent relationship ever when he explains that he kills for her and she was supposed to die for him. Then he says "You have my number call me." and Ringo smacks her for being not only crazy, but also putting one of her supposed fans at risk.

Back at the office, "Sierra's been kidnapped" is spoken to Olivia Williams, and she proves that she wasn't that great in gym class either with her astonishingly cold assessment of why it happened: we knew about all this and the Human Gazelle was bait for a pale-nerdy hyena. Fuel up the choppers that no one seems to notice, we got an OP!

Cut Back to D-In-Gym, who makes The Human Gazelle sing acapella under the harsh lights of his camera. She's scared out of her little mind and it's really, really creepy to watch. I know it's there for tension and stuff. . but the lighting is just so perfect bright light in sociopath's basement, it's scary.

Beyoncé is off somewhere being a Diva and Dushku's all like, you're a bitch, save the Gazelle! Beyoncé is having none of it so Dushku hits her with a chair. That's how you negotiate! She calls D-In-Gym and class and offers an exchange: The Diva for the Gazelle.

Meantime, Dollhouse is freaking out, because Topher the Tech is so full of himself that he's sure that this would play out differently, and the head of security is up in his grill asking WTF? and most Topher can do is whine about how he's a genius and can't predict everything. So. Not a genius.

Lennix is on the case, though! And Dushku gets Beyoncé to admit she doesn't want die by throwing her off something high with a bungee cord. Then she beats the stuffing out Mr. D-In-Gym and then pistol whips him for a little extra spice.

Olivia Williams tells the head of security, who wants to get ride of Dushku, as much with her wonderful hips as with her voice, that he is a tool and probably shouldn't make policy suggestions.

Dr. Sexy Scars and Lennix discuss the impressive way Dushku was able to come with a plan that was 1. Awesome and 2. completely sensible when dealing with crazy people.

Meanwhile we hear that damned awful song again, about being from misery or history or calories or something, and we cut Adorable Chef Girl, who is trying to visit Helo in the hospital, but isn't allowed in because she's not family. Helo has no family, and it's rather sad.

Finally, The Human Gazelle and Dushku pass each other in hall, and Dushkus shakes her head at her like they should be seeing being snuggly in public, which they probably shouldn't since when they're blank the have no feelings.

SUMMARY:

-Helo didn't die! Yay!

-I'm not really sure what they're playing at with the Sierra/Echo relationship. Naturally that kind of closeness is unacceptable at the Dollhouse, but I'm not sure what it's supposed to mean within the metaphors and meanings of the show. I mean, of course, everyone loves lesbianism because it's oh-so-hot so they needed to find a way to work some sort of tension like that into the show; otherwise men wouldn't watch it.

-Speaking of what this show assumes, it assumes two things: every man except Helo is a violent asshole, a liar, a manipulator or a conflicted man of morality and men in the audience are rendered mentally retarded by female sexuality no matter how silly it is.

-I'm intrigued enough that might continue watching. . . guess I'll have to the next episode to be sure. Dammit.

-Tycho Agrees with me, apparently

-There's no way you can fit a hunting rifle into a pair aluminum crutches

Dollhouse Season 1 Episode 2: The Most Dangerous Game!

2009-02-28T15:25:00.000-08:00

So, the structure of this second episode is better than the first.

Is it me or is this show's dialogue really lewd? Lines like "She's not a person, she's an empty hat, until you stuff a rabbit in it," have a weird subtext.

Most frustrating is that this show was posted on Hulu before the latest Battlestar Galactica so it's kind like I'm listening to Brittany because there was no Lou Reed available.

The first few minutes take place at Dollhouse HQ in a flashback (by the way? Flashbacks should be MONOCHROMATIC, not soft focus), in which some shit has clearly gone down, as there are dead bodies everywhere, the brain Tech dude (Who's name I now know to be Topher), asking the resident SWAT team for a gun, and then Dushku is naked and on with the show!

The creepy opening credit sequence with the stockings made of white yarn (seriously, white yarn?) and we jump into a scene with this dude with lots of money, and of course he's looking for the perfect girl, because homosexuals don't have money. I noticed that this show has a got a lot of venom for white hetero men with lots of money, so they're not really saying much new there.

Anyhoo, I recognized unreasonably hot lady who runs does the business meetings with the evil heteros is the accomplished actor Olivia Williams, and she tells the rich douchebag-who totally looks like someone I know, but can't place- that the company is going to charge him extra because of "something bad" associated with him in the file she has on him.

So he takes Eliza Dushku white water rafting, and then shoot stuff with a bow, and then they have some totally unerotic TV sex. It doesn't even look like they might have had fun filming it. No chemistry. At all. Dushku made a remark about something she did with her tongue and instead of being sexy, it comes off as just horrible.

In fact, all references to sex in this show are just plain creepy, because really the whole of the show is meant as some sort of metaphor for prostitution/sex slavery, it's clear to anyone with a brain that none of what Dushku does in character is not what normal people would call consensual.

Then this guy informs Dusku that she's so awesome he must now hunt her down in order to be sure she's as awesome as she can be before he. . . sends her back to the company?

Whatever, he paid the extra money, he can what ever his evil white man heart desires. Dusku takes off running and I realized, that evil white dude REALLY looks like this guy Corey only evil. It's this game I play, how much entertainment can I consume before I run across a Corey look a like.

So Evil Corey makes with the hunt-hunt arrow-arrow thing, as Harry J. Lennix shows up to remind us that he, like Williams, is wasted on this show so far. Meantime, Dushku reminds us that while she has some range, she is bored out of her mind for the most part.

Meanwhile, Helo is pounding the pavement like any good detective, trying to find out what's going on. Also, apparently he has young lady living across the hall from him who is thick in all the right ways AND she can cook. Helo, however is not a douchebag, and won't start something he can't finish, so they don't get laid this episode and probably won't until Helo meets Dushku.

Then more Flashbacks. Apparently, when someone is "imprinted" with a bunch of different personalities, there is a chance they will "compile" which from hints in the flash back, turns you into a screaming badass who can fillet a man with surgical precision in about the same amount of time as the average bull ride. Said badass is referred to only as "alpha."

Okay, I'm getting down with it. This stuff's intriguing.

Then we cut back to the Evil Corey situation. He's still hunting Dushku, and Lennix has captured one of his chronies. "How many?" he asks. "What?" and Lennix, pretty as you please, puts a bullet in his captives knee and asks another question. Lennix doesn't like the answer he gets so he puts bullet in the opposite thigh. The entire scene is completely excellent display of how to play a professional ass-kicker, since he's very matter-of-fact about his ruthlessness.

Then Lennix tracks down Dushku, and is promptly shot by Evil Cory with an arrow. Then Dushku gets her shit together, Lennix gives her gun. She puts a bullet in Evil Cory after a rather tense stand off with some really inappropriate attempts at humor then knocks him down and beats the snot of him. The end.

It's implied- and by implied they give hints that a lobotomized poodle could figure out- that this evil guy is "alpha" and it's clear that this episode was supposed to be something like the fifth or sixth one you see, and not the second. I reckon we're supposed be all like "DUDE!" and "WHOA!" but since the only character with any real depth by the end credits is Lennix's, mostly we're only going to stick around to see just how bad ass he can be.

What's really getting to me about this show is that when Dushku is at the Dollhouse puzzle palace, she has no memory or personality, and that makes all of her interactions, especially the ones with people who don't like her much, profoundly sad to me. She wanders around chest forward, shoulders back in a spaghetti strap tank top unaware of anything and for some reason it's just really sad to me.

I'm also noticing that this is getting to be like the Six Million Dollar Man in terms of how the plot unfolds. Mostly I imagine this is because they blew most of their budget on visual effects and the Puzzle Palace HQ set, and can now only afford to film in the ready set that is the outdoors. Ever notice how in the Six Million Dollar Man no matter what the plot was they always ended up in some forest somewhere? Same thing here.

Maybe but I'm just a naturally grouchy person, but I find about half of the attempts at humor on this show to be inappropriate. Most of it is either delievered without the bitter sarcasm or world weariness that someone who knowingly works for a prostitution ring would have, or it's so random it's clear that "Joss wrote that."

Dollhouse Season1 Episode 1: The Rocky Start

2009-02-28T15:19:00.000-08:00

I caught the first episode of Dollhouse today and. . um. . what?

One thing I'm sick of is female characters empowered solely through trauma. In this instance, it's not even real trauma. Eliza Dushku plays a young woman who has had her memory wiped so that she . . . can. . . do . . stuff. So she thinks things that are wholly untrue. . .

She's part of a company or something. This company wipes the memories of hot young women (and apparently men, but we won't focus on them because men are almost completely unattractive according to western entertainment.) so they are the perfect ________ for ________. Date for Rich dude, negotiate a hostage situation, whatever.

With the memory wipe premise, every character Dushku becomes isn't actually a person in the sense that we understand a person, and is therefore hard to sympathize with. The person we're suppose to sympathize with, and sort of do, has been erased in the first ten minutes. In the critical character introduction, the main character comes of as whiney and dull. And then her personality is replaced with someone else.

There are also ties to sex trafficking out of Europe or somewhere-with Tamoh Penikett from Battlestar Galactica investigating-something related to the main story, though the most time we spend with him is with a man who could turn out to be the show's angry police captain. At one point, he says "that's like they've been murdered. . . " which seems a really intense thing to say, because we see these people walking around.

Interesting point about death, it really only affects the people left behind. When one of the "Dolls" effectively "dies" they feel no pain, they are gone in their mind, but not their body and it is only the people left behind that feel that pain. That brings this point to the forefront, because the Dolls don't know or care that they have been have their personality/memories murdered. So if they're not actually dead, I suppose the most charges that be brought up are kidnapping and perhaps prostitution.

Naturally, I'm fascinated to see where this show goes, even if Whedon's usually great dialogue ("What am I speaking Urdu?") was supplanted by some. . . not great stuff.

"Now we have a mission!" says Harry J. Lennix (dude, seriously? It's like Anthony Hopkins appearing in a Ninja Turtles movie) which is met with "We prefer the term 'engagements.'" which STILL sounds like a military action! If you're going to have someone use euphemisms and be evil, the euphemisms be not already related to warfare or something.

In fact, you know what? Rather than half-assing the feminine-empowerment theme, instead have the entire show use code words and passwords and euphemisms generally associated with femininity? Would that make people uncomfortable? You betcha! Would it make for a better show? Probably so! All of these bizarre rites of passage that young western women go through become and elaborate code for what's happening.

Finally, HARD CORE SPOILERS:

In the first episode, the technician dude who does the memory programming gives Dushku's character a new past that involves her being kidnapped and abused in some terrible fashion by one of the villains she's attempting to take down. Now, if you program brains for a living and it's somehow illegal, wouldn't you be sharp enough to know that building post traumatic stress into someone's personality is a bad idea? Seriously, you've just made a complete liability out of a potentially perfect asset.

Dead Space: What Happens When you Don't Listen to Your Enlisted Troops

2008-11-22T09:24:00.000-08:00

This post contains spoilers

In the game Dead Space you are the ONLY competent member of a repair crew tasked to fix a mining ship called the Ishimura, which bears more than a passing resemblance to a rib cage. Strike one.

Within five minutes of arriving on the ship, a warped mutant thing with scythes for hands that moves like a member of the Cirque de Soleil on a Meth bender drops out of the ceiling and wastes all but two of your repair crew.

This is part where I'd leave, I don't mind saying. Most people who write about video games say "Because in real life, I'm a coward." Well, I'm just not about believing I'm a coward when the undead shit hits the space-ship fan.

However, quite apart from the how brave I am as the sole member of this team who is actually useful, it's actually the hard fact that our computer technician, welder and probably our equipment guy are now dead. If that happened to a real life construction crew that I was working on, I would say "forget this." and make leaving the job site my main priority.

If it happened to a crew that just traveled x-amount of light-years, under the exact circumstance of Dead Space, I am DAMN SURE filing a formal complaint with the union when I get back, and I'll be getting back soon because there is no way I'm staying on that ship.

I'm sure I would say something were I actually within this game; but I wouldn't get listened to by the two people who outrank me, and the game simulates their not listening by having the main character never speak. So we decide to get hell off the Ishimura and of course, the ship we arrived in gets destroyed due to people not leaving when I said we should have. Strike two.

As the plot unfolds you realize that not only are there mutants running around trying to kill you, but normal humans who have gone rotten banana crazy from exposure to whatever it is that's causing all these problems. Several times during the course of the game you watch people commit suicide with disturbing sound effects and dialog.

In addition, there is a creepy religious movement whose doctrine apparently involves getting shot in the forehead as it's one-time sacrament to provide corpses for the mutants to make more mutants with. Chief Head-Banger is Dr. Challus Mercer, who not only kills people in the name of his bullshit-20-minute-old-religion, he also actively tries to get you killed by messing with door locks that shut you in rooms with bloodthirsty mutant babies and Francis Bacon paintings come alive.

You run around the ship like this for a good four hours until you find "The Marker," which is responsible for all the undead-circus performers and dead pope paintings incarnate and is huge icon the Unitology Murder Pantheon. I take one look at the thing when I find it and it just screams "CLEARLY TAINTED WITH ZOMBIE JU-JU."

I would not bring that goddamned thing on my ship if you paid me; it looked like Clive Barker designed a lamp for Ikea. Strike Three.

It occurred to me while I was trying to maneuver this Obelisk of Maroon Doom off the ship that the whole reason the thing was on the ship in the first place was another clear-cut case of not listening to the enlisted. I'm sure the captain of the ship was all about bringing this thing on board, and his Master Chief or Space Marine Sgt. Major said "Whoa, sir, that thing is pure evil."

"Nonsense, Sgt. Major, I know pure evil when I see it . . ."

"Clearly not sir, because that thing down there on the planet looks like Hatshepsut's architect took an art class from Pinhead."

So I get the thing down to the planet's surface and Kendra, this officer in my chain of command whose been whining and complaining at our commander the whole mission-because that's the productive thing to do in a life-or-death struggle billions of miles from earth-has apparently been trying to get me killed the whole time. It speaks to her competence that I am, of course, still standing.

Turns out Kendra is a mole from the galaxy spanning government that apparently built the goddamned Clive Barker Lamp of Evil as a weapon. It's pretty effective in that respect, because it causes everything to die; but really what good is that if it's made death itself a sort of super contagion? Sounds to me like they built this weapon without bothering to ask their senior enlisted if it was a good idea. . . .

Kendra is then then killed by beast that some seven stories tall with tentacles thick as tree trunks and a face only a mother made from cell structures of humanoid corpses could love. Instant karma.

If she, or anyone else, would have listened to me, we'd all be somewhere else and more importantly all still alive thinking about the next poor saps that have to go and try to fix the Ishimura. I emptied all of my four different kinds of ammunition into the thing and got the hell out of Dodge, worrying in the back of my mind how all of this is going to sound in an After Action Report.

You never see the main characters face through out the whole game until finally, on the shuttle to the end of the game you take off your helmet, breath a sigh of relief and wipe the sweat of your generically handsome brow, since it's been a long day and HOLYSHITTHERE'SSOMETHINGINTHESHUTTLEOMYGOD
ITHINKITSMYEXGIRLFRIENDWHOSDEAD!

It was a real jolt, because, you know I thought I had finished. It was a really great use of style, because I had actually finally relaxed, thinking the game was over, and instead I nearly fell out of chair in terror.

Resistance 2: Let's Resist Again, Like We Did Last Summer

2008-11-22T09:04:00.001-08:00

The year is 1951 and Humanity is getting an ass-kicking from beyond the stars by a race of leather pants wearing humanoids called Chimera.

Generally, they are very slimy.

You take on the role of Nathan Hale, the only survivor of America's push into England against the Chimera. Hale is a generically handsome Bruce Willis look alike with a dash of grizzled and a touch of glam rock. Hale only survived the first attack due a fluke in his genes that allows him to harness a disease that has turned most everyone else into the alien nemesis. Turns out, Hale isn't alone either, as several other stereo-types from throughout the armed forces have the same genetic trait including the Mini-Gun Toting Italian From Philly, The Smooth Voiced Black Sniper From Baltimore and The Stocky Rifleman from South Bend.

The game gets off the cracker-jack start with the skies of San Francisco filled with alien fleet bearing down upon earth with near biblical might. After nearly being eaten by a Kraken at the end of the first level, one can imagine this game is gunning for Gears Of War in terms of enemy size.

However, there was something about the way the missions are structured that makes me think the chain of command of the opposing force is just making it up as they go along. Because the next few skirmishes take place in downtown Twin Falls, Idaho. After that, you duel the beasts in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. Naturally, in an intergalactic war a foot hold on the planet is a step in the right direction, but you would think they would be targeting more metropolitan areas.

The entire time an alien virus that appears to be turning you into David Bowie figures into the plot a little bit. It's supposed to this life altering bio-phage aggressive gene therapy thing, and it makes you look like you're wearing lipstick.

That happens a lot. It's really like watching a film where the budget ran out nine tenths through filming, and while the game is well paced these budget cuts can be a little distracting.

DIRECTOR:"How will we make this monster?"

EFFECTS MAN:"Aw, shit we have like six bucks left. Make it out of triangles and silly string!"

DIRECTOR:"We need this guy to look like Alien."

EFFECTS MAN:"Aliens wear purple lipstick. Thank god the catering girl had some, as we are wayyyyy over budget."

Overall Resistance 2 is solid game play and story telling, and the multi-player mode where you co-op to complete objectives and gain experience is a little bit fresh, but this game is more of rental than a buy.

Mirror's Edge: The Best Movie I've Played Lately

2008-11-22T08:51:00.000-08:00

"Once this city used to pulse with energy; dirty and dangerous but alive and wonderful. Now it is something else. The changes came slowly at first. Most did not realize or did not care, and accepted them. They chose a comfortable life. Some didn't. . . . they became our first clients."

Video games become more cinematic each day.

Mirror's Edge, by Electronic Arts and Dice, is a truly astonishing narrative achievement. The voice work is outstanding, the story is inventive and the plot twists happen in such a way as to be consistently shocking and entertaining. As a matter of fact, the story is so good that you'll barely notice a lot glitches and errors through out the game, because if your standing still in this game you're doing it wrong.

You take on the role of Faith, a young lady of prodigious agility, and little else. In the dystopian world the story is set in, the only secure way to communicate is to have a person physically carry correspondence. These people are called Runners, and they are frowned upon by the totalitarian regime that has pretty much exchanged people's freedom for a very, very clean city that is some sort of architectural mashup between Seattle, Wash., German Bauhaus design and a sprinkling of comic-book primary colors.

In a rather neat moment of world description, there was a screen in an elevator that said "Running! The latest threat to your children!" followed by some reading material to help pass the time while you were waiting an elevator.

Unlike a lot other action heroes, Faith is not a warrior in any sense of the word. She's a courier, and generally can't stand toe to toe with even a beat cop. So she doesn't. Instead, she uses misdirection, disarms and dodges to get around her opponents. Actually punching and kicking costs precious seconds, but Faith practices some sort of Street-Girl-Fu that can flip just about anyone ass-over-tea-kettle with the right timing.

Faith lost her mother during a riot when she was a child, so it's no wonder she has such a penchant for running from and flipping over the cops. Subsequently her family fell apart, putting her in a position to, in a sense, continue the tradition of dissent that initially broke her family by becoming a runner. Her sister, on the other hand, is the one who became obsessed with bringing order to the world, and became a cop.

This figures largely into the plot where a cross between Barak Obama and Joe Biden who was running office is murdered, and Faith's sister is framed for the dirty deed.

In a surprising little moment during the game, the main character hugs her sister and it's quite affecting in the first person perspective.

The plot unfolds predictably, but with such ambiance that you really feel involved in a story.

What's really funny about this is the plot is almost too good for the game. I found myself getting bored and frustrated with stupid puzzles that didn't reveal anything more about the plot or the world.

To put it another way, imagine you have to solve a Rubicks cube every five minutes or so while watching a film, but you have the help of the main character from film. It's kinda a cool, but I could do with less cube and more plot.

Alien Vs. Predator: Requiem

2008-08-19T17:12:00.000-07:00

This past weekend I watched Aliens Vs. Predator: Requiem, which was probably one of the most visually misogynistic movies I’ve ever seen this side of American Psycho.

Now, the Giger’s Alien is a pretty horrid creature in and of itself, with it’s perverse use of the human body as an incubator after a borderline sexual assault from the infamous face hugger, the beast dehumanizes everything around it.

AVP:R was, in fact, even more violent and disturbing than I remember from what I caught in the theater since I saw the directors cut.

Originally, I saw it with a few friends of mine, one of whom is a staunch opponent of violence against children, pregnant women or animals in most contexts. The first time I tried to see this movie, he cried out with his signature, “Aw, heelll-naw!” as one of the creatures prepared to assault a pregnant woman and we left before the true nastiness could begin.

Through compulsion for closure on par with that of a high schooler, I decided to see the film again.

There’s a creature in this film that forces a tube down the throat of a pregnant woman, and her throat throbs luridly as it forces its spawn into her lower torso, where she already has a baby, because it only attacks pregnant women. Now, when taken out of context, the scene is extremely offensive. When taken in context, it’s is the icing on a cake of sci-fi depravity the likes of which we haven’t seen since Event Horizon.

On top of that, characters that should have lived, because they didn’t have sex at any point, die anyway. It’s a rule in horror movies that if you don’t have sex or do drugs you don’t die, making nearly all of them an allegory for wildly excessive retribution visited upon youth by outside forces. But apparently, if the horror is from space everyone is fair game. In the case of this film, especially the young and/or the pregnant.

In addition to this nastiness, I hate the idea that the Aliens apparently have made it to earth on several occasions, making Helen Ripley’s eventually fatal quest to keep them off-planet sadly moot, perhaps even more than her being cloned in the fourth film.

In the film, a hybrid of the titular Predator and Alien crash lands on earth in space ship of one of the Predator race, and the standing governing body of the Predator race apparently sends an elite “cleaner” who takes care of these sorts of things. This particular Predator is a gangly sort of cross between a CIA agent, a Green Beret and a park ranger. I found the concept of earth as a sort of intergalactic wild-life preserve to be rather funny, but when the only humor of a movie is more from the things you have to think of after the fact, something is lacking.

A good amount of action is spent in a massive sewer system that seems completely out of place in the small southwestern-western town of Gunnison, Co., standing in for the typical isolated, suburban Mainstreet, USA, where aliens, zombies, vampires and werewolves invariably schedule their showdowns with humans and each other in between spring parades and local music festivals.

There is a ton of little continuity issues through out the film, details that would ordinarily grab my attention are wrong, and details that I wouldn’t care about in any case are over-emphasized. One of the details I caught was one character coming from the U.S. ArmyMarines, judging from the half and half uniform she wears upon her arrival home from Inconsequencistan. She is a member of the branch that has female Stryker combat vehicle drivers, of which I’m fairly sure there are few.

On the other extreme, too much time is devoted to a character’s back story (whose name I don’t even remember, despite other characters screaming it before they die several times) about jail time and vague crimes that may have been committed whilst a member of the police force (though it’s never made clear). His entire “dark past” turns out to be wholly irrelevant in the grand scheme of an alien invasion, as most petty crime wouldn’t make you capable of handling sub-machine guns, let alone an extra-terrestrial shot-gun intended for creatures two feet taller than you.

Topping of all this nastiness is the inevitable, “Man is the real monster,” ending in which a shady government organization nukes the entire town of Gunnison to prevent the spread of the deadly phallus headed Aliens, killing the remainder of the towns initial 5,409, minus the survivors who escape on a hospital helicopter, which of course the surviving veteran ArmyMarine knows how to fly as well, which means she had one of those rare military jobs in which she learned to fly both a Stryker and chopper.

The argument could be made here that somewhere in her back story, she learned to fly a chopper as a civilian, but that’s giving the production far more credit than gave me as an audience member.

The final insult in all of this is after the survivors land, they are confronted by a group of face painted commandos who insist they were “only following orders.” That’s not what got to me, though. What got to me was the surviving woman who was supposed to also be a member of the military, regardless of branch, should have kicked that guy’s ass until candy came out and asked him if it would be acceptable if she nuked his hometown in the process of “following orders.” Instead, she shrugs it off, and looks wistfully at the sky where we see her slight resemblance to Sigourney Weaver.

Aggressively terrible as that ending was, it doesn’t compare to the films actual tacked-on ending, in which a man in a suit, responsible for war-crimes at this point after tactical-nuking more people than were killed in 9/11, delivers the Predators’ shotgun-like weapon to a Ms. Yutani. Dun-Dun-Dun! This last scene was a of course, a desperate grasp for continuity with the series, as Yutani is the other half of the soon to be Weyland-Yutani Corp. We met Weyland’s CEO in the first AVP, and, as in this film, we didn’t much care then either.

On a final note, a film snob moment: The finest scenes in any film involving the Predator are the scenes where the Predator is alone on screen and doing its thing, telling a story entirely with physical acting. It is pure cinema to have an actor tell a story through motion alone, rubber suit or not. I found it fascinating in the first Predator, and still interesting in the second. AVP sorely lacked that little touch, and AVP:R at least had the good sense to bring it back, however, that’s really all the sense it had.

Darfur In Brief

2008-08-15T07:55:00.000-07:00

I often find the pacifism is generally practiced at a great distance to where it would be a real question of survival to do so.

I doubt there are pacifists in Darfur. I'd imagine the contrast is grimer. Men with guns, and those at their mercy, and if anything coming out of Darfur true, mercy is in extremely short supply. However brutal it may be in the region, it is still a preventable, stoppable genocide, where some application of military might may actually prove more fruitful than playing nice.

But before we look at the reasons why it might be a better idea to put boots on the ground, let’s look at what has failed miserably and why.

1. Humanitarian Aid Supplies- Failed miserably because the Sudanese government is attempting genocide through attrition. Essentially, any supplies that western powers attempt to deliver the Sudanese government will stifle.

2. Trade Sanctions – Sanctions are an okay way to get a point across, if you have a large enough population that will suffer as a result of the sanctions, they will prompt their government to do something. Maybe. However, if the intention of the government is to incite one half of the country to wipe out the other, everything bad that happens can be blamed on the target population and the furor for the their blood will increase.

3. Humanitarian Aid Technicians – Sending a large contingent of unarmed medics into a combat zone is really, really unwise in general. In particular to the Sudan, it is a horrendous idea because once again the perpetrators of genocide are in control to start, and they can stop the medical personnel from doing their at any time through the threat of force.

4. Cease-fires, treaties, accords – Once again you have to take the intentions of those hell-bent on destruction into account. There is absolutely no reason to follow up or follow through on any treaty signed until the killing stops. Janjaweed and other factions care only for the deaths of their “enemies” at this time, and outside influence will do very little good. Imagine you are playing a game of soccer, and someone wants to talk about quantum physics in the middle of the game. You’re going to ignore them until you’ve won your game of soccer. So too, will Janjaweed ignore the physics of international politics until they have completed their goal.

The problem with all of those is that they deal with problem in the abstract, and they assume too much about needs and capabilities of the local populations, and specifically what the dynamics are. If you’re going to deny goods and services to a nation, be sure that one half isn’t killing off the other half and in all likelihood deriving most of their supplies from those they kill.

It’s extremely important to note that it is not an invasion force that is committing atrocities in Darfur, but, as stated, one half of local population. Were western powers to intervene on a level beyond what we already have (less than 10,000 peace keeping troops, whose objective appears to be even less clear than typically ambiguous military objectives: “Observe.”), they would have to take into account the “home team advantage” that their enemy would have. Initial action against military forces will probably be as it was in Iraq- piece of cake- however guerilla forces will continue long into the night. But there is an abundance of intelligence available.

One thing Darfur has going for it as place for action of any kind is this: heavy, heavy documentation. Before anyone military force goes anywhere, it demands intelligence. This can be as basic as population figures and relief maps, or as exhaustive as the six books and four documentaries. This means that data about the area is not only readily accessible to the military, but also the inevitable NGO’s that would inevitably augment the peacekeeping efforts.

In addition to an abundance of intel available for free, one primary advantage of the Sudanese forces in their grim work is air power, which can sabotaged on the ground or fought outright with Western air power. (Those who oppose the acquisition of more F-18s as I did, take note, they may yet be a useful tool in this scenario).

One final benefit of action in Darfur, and this is completely self-interested, is that the new African Command (AFRICOM) can stand up with an initial peacekeeping mission that will help gain a foothold not only in terms of capability establishment, but also in terms of establishing the intention of AFRICOM as an entity bent on aide and assistance, not merely the flexing of might.

All of this seems very, very simple. Get in, bring force to bear, a police the area for several years. The biggest factor that prevents this action is the fact the primary perpetrators of the genocide are Africans with a Muslim or Arabic bent. Those that western forces would be protecting are not. One imagines that if true might were brought to bear, it quickly degenerate into “Look at what they’re doing to Muslims!” and a call to action would spread throughout the Islamic world, stressing that Arabs are once again being subjugated by callous western powers, once again, a feeling like Iraq creeps in. Nevermind that in this instance, Islam has little to do with the actions or the reactions of Darfur, it will once again become about the religion of either side.

Year of the Lonely Hero

2008-08-15T07:53:00.000-07:00

This past summer has given us many heroes, all of whom appear to be totally alone in their struggles.

The Incredible Hulk gave us a Dr. Banner who begins an isolated expatriate in South America, and returns to America to only to be hunted by the government. Banner is completely alone even when he’s with the woman he loves, because once his heart rate gets above a certain point, he risks become a physical manifestation of rage. His life’s mission has been to find a way to become normal and lead then lead a normal life. The government however, plans to use his “discovery” as a weapon.

Batman is not only a loner-type but also the means by which Bruce Wayne gets to be alone. In the Dark Knight, wealthy socialite Wayne uses the mantle of the bat to escape the pressure of being a public figure that appears to be of little use to public at large. Indeed, as Batman, Wayne is indispensable to the public as a symbol of hope in addition to his actions as vigilante. The film imagines a sort of male Paris Hilton, whose uselessness and attitude is a front so no one would dare believe he is, in fact, a selfless hero fueled a limitless well of rage. At the end of the film he even accepts even further alienation from the people he protects in order to secure their faith in a better tomorrow.

Tony Stark is an equally useless-to-the-public person, and arguably he does far more damage, because no mere playboy, he is in fact a weapons designer and dealer selling ways and means of killing on such a massive scale who knows the number of deaths that he could be responsible for. Stark has more money than Bill Gates and yet he is an empty character initially, deriving little joy from his life and not really sure why. Then comes his kidnapping and near death at the hands of the very people who would be targeted by his weapons, and who, indeed, want to use his weapons for the purpose they were intended: wiping out their “enemies.” Stark initially puts his genius to use to save himself, and then realizes he could go further, and save others. He then transforms his celebrity from something useless to society, to something society won’t dare say it can live without: a hero.

Hancock, the most unorthodox of all the summer heroes, is subjugated by his abilities. He has no life outside of being a hero, and no concept of himself outside of public perception, so his entire sense of self-worth is based upon the reaction of the public, which is often so negative that he feels compelled to drink himself into oblivion when he isn’t effectively yet carelessly, fighting crime. The true revelation of Hancock, when the character finds out he is, in fact, a demi-god that must remain at a great distance from the only other demi-god in the world, is that a true hero is alone. He is the only one who can do his job, and the more good he does, the more good he will be expected to do, so the heroism will consume his life into infinite.

Each one of these stories speaks to the isolation of heroism, and how it affects the person who does as much as it helps society. These heroes are both augmented and limited by their abilities. They have near limitless physical capability, but are boxed in by their social contracts. A figure with god-like power that cares nothing for well being of the world is but one thing in these methods of story-telling: a villain.

Each of these heroes, more so than other forms of story telling, was defined by their villains.

The Incredible Hulk had the Abomination, with the same abilities but with a much lesser regard to the people around him. While the Hulk risked his life to save his lady-love, the emotions of Banner clearly bled into the Green beast, the Abomination cares little for collateral damage and in his attempts to defeat the Hulk, destroys the entire battle field in their climatic battle.

The Joker of Batman is certainly a contrast, but they are both working for a goal that can only defined as “Because I want it that way.” Batman wants order and peace and safety for reasons rooted in a bad childhood. The Joker wants chaos and war and fear because it is merely what he wants. While Batman operates on a seemingly limitless budget using the latest technology, the Joker is of “simple tastes” using dynamite, gasoline and cell-phones for his improvised explosive devices.

Iron Man’s foe is Obidiah Stain, who would utilize the same technology as Stark to make a mint for no other reason than he can. Stain is essentially Stark before his revelation of needing to be a champion, coupled with a desire for power that far exceeds anything reasonable. The two men are different sides of the coin of economic development, and what its rewards can be. Stain is the complete self-benefit and Stark is the society benefit. One will attempt to rule the world, and the other to protect it.

Hancock is the most complicated of all these, where his villain is defined by the fact it is not another all-powerful villain or chaos driven terror-monger, but rather an anonymous veteran. A man with no public persona until he crosses Hancock, and when Hancock brings full force to bear, this anonymous man is clearly no toe-to-toe match for him.

However, the less obvious motif of all of these films, is this: Heroes create new villains even as they defeat the old ones, if for no other reason than calling attention to themselves.

The Abomination is created solely to combat that Hulk. When Batman triumphs over The Scarecrow and the mobsters of the first film, he rises to a level of prominence that attracts the attention of the Joker. Starks technological marvel awakens a perhaps dormant lust for power in Stain. When defeated once, Hancock’s villain regroups and rallies other people who have borne the force of the heroes power and they nearly succeed.

This is final way in which the heroes are rendered as loners, because in the very act of doing what they feel they must, the become targets as does everyone around them.

Terrorists Destroy Deathstar! Imperial Forces Prepare to Mobilize!

2008-08-03T00:13:00.000-07:00

The story of the war waged by the Empire the final (first released) chapters of the Star Wars trilogy is an insurgency speculated on a galactic scale. The enemies come from within, rather than from without, and in fact are the unknown children of a major player within the regime.

The first figure we are introduced to in the large terrorist cell in Star Wars is the Princess Leia Organa. Raised by Bale Organa, a major player in the old regime, rendered mute over the years by the new power structure, Organa apparently raised a fierce and single minded young woman whose only goal is restore the old regime at potentially great cost to herself.

She did so boldly, using nearly anyone loyal to her to strike a blow against the Empire. She employs spies and eventually, with the help of a member of the Imperial Navy, secured the plans to the Empire’s ultimate weapon. The Death Star was a costly endeavor, no doubt, judging from it’s size the amount of personnel required to run it. Damaging or even destroying it would strike a huge blow against her enemies economically as well as politically.

When she sought to enlist the help of Obi Wan Kenobi, living under an alias in isolation far away from politics and the war that he clearly lost, she reached out to another potential terrorist who, upon realizing what’s at stake, may believe that success against the new regime is possible.

When Kenobi found out that Leia has been captured, he decided to go to Alderan to inform Bale Organa of the situation, possibly before staging a rescue. Were she any other guerrilla, he could have easily justified no rescue and instead warning the rebels directly, but Leia is not only a major player but also the acceptable political face of a messy war that has certainly had it’s share of collateral damage wrought by both sides.

Enter Luke Skywalker. Like most front line fighters in a terrorist organization, Skywalker had no prospects: no chance for job advancement, little education and boredom. Skywalker is reluctant at first, until the Empire makes the mistake, as it probably had countless times before, of killing Skywalker’s family, leaving him with nothing to loose and cause for revenge.

Another addition to the group that will finally deal fatal damage to the Galactic Empires is Han Solo, a disenfranchised former member of the military and his traveling companion, Chewbacca a member of one of the many crushingly oppressed alien minorities.

Solo is a mercenary initially, and as long as he is left alone and able to settle his underworld debts, it appears as though he doesn’t care who wins. However, as a criminal, it would be in his interest to see the supporting structure of federal galactic law enforcement crumble for no other reason that it would wipe whatever record he might have.

The destruction of the first Death Star, with a personnel capacity of over a million by some estimates, was devastating on many levels to the Imperial forces. Imagine an aircraft carrier the size of Manhattan being utterly devastated by a terrorist bombing, and imagine the political, military, economic and social fall-out that would entail.

Dealing such a damaging blow against any government would have consequences for any opposing force. A terrorist cell would be hunted to the ends of the earth were they wreak such destruction upon an Earth-bound super-power.

The attack on the rebel base of Hoth was probably one of many acts of retribution the Empire brought to bear against the Rebellion in the coming year after the attack at Yavin. It is entirely possible that if the empire used the same degree of force or greater on other outposts, the rebels were successfully routed all over the galaxy.

It is important to note that episodes IV-VI focus on merely one terrorist cell and it’s characters. It’s possible that there were other, more successful attacks against rebel bases through out the galaxy, and since tactics vary in style, the may have been far more devastating to the Rebellions numbers.

However, that each one of those attacks could very well have destroyed families, killing fathers, sons, daughters or wives that would have incited even more of those governed by the Empire to join the rebellion. Essentially, even as the Empire routed Leia’s cell, anyone killed in the attack could very well have been replaced by family or friends who realized the true brutality of the regime.

Solo’s knowledge of Imperial procedure, having been discharged as lieutenant, allows him facilitate Leia’s escape from what could have been her second capture. As it is clear judging from the fire power and troop strength used by the Empire, that their goal was first devastation of the rebel ranks before considering capturing anyone. When the smoke cleared, if Leia was still alive, perhaps she would have been taken prisoner or perhaps killed.

At that point the history of the rebellion, either would could have been considered an important victory.

The Empires treatment of alien minorities also gives the Rebellion a massive edge, in that all a potential recruiter need to is show more care as to how that species is treated and a whole new pool of defectors is created.

One of those defectors is of course Skywalker, whose war-fighting abilities make him an ideal candidate to go to the Dagobah system, which is analogous to any sort of religious-based military training.

When he arrives, Yoda pretends as though he is unworthy to motivate him. Such a tactic, especially when used against a young man who has already made drastic changes in himself in order to achieve devastating results against enemy forces, would surely yield an even more aggressive and capable soldier, not only in terms of combat but also in terms of leadership because it first convinces a potential candidate that it’s what they want. In fact, such tactics can be seen in Marine Corps. recruitment advertising (“No contracts. Only commitments.”)

Forcing potential leaders to endure different manners of hardship has long been an accepted form of building good officers in most military forces, formal or other wise. It was apparently the case with Skywalker’s father as well; however his inability to cope led him down a path of another rebellion against the previous regime in alliance with the current despot, against whose regime his son fought.

It’s possible that the entire reason that Skywalker has coping ability is due to his not knowing his father. Instead he was raised in an, as far as we know, stable household far away from chaos. Farming of any kind is certainly a daily routine, and the son of Skywalker is disciplined enough to accept all of the training his father had, and still be able to make moral, rational decisions to an extent.

As Luke trains on the remote planet, Vader pursues other members of the terrorist cell relentlessly. At his disposal is a vast network of information funded by government, about former the former lieutenant Solo. Surely he would have found the connection to rouge-turned-businessman Lando Calrissian.

If the imperial forces arrived in cloud city before the rebels or just after is unclear. What is clear is that Vader is, probably through the threat of federal government sanction, able to persuade Calrissian to assist him in his plan to capture Skywalker.

Calrissian becomes the businessman ruined by government intervention. By the end of the film, he has lost everything, in part due to his own decisions, but it’s inarguable that had the military left him alone his fortunes would be drastically different. Yet another misstep in which the Empire has made it harder to put down the widespread insurrection of the rebellion.

What ever resources Calrissian still has at his disposal—surely a former smugly wouldn’t tie up of all his money in legitimate institutions that could be seized by the government—they will now go toward the rebellion, as victory for the rebellion could conceivably be the fastest way for him to regain his merchant status.

With each action the Empire brings its enemies closer and closer together, adding hard legitimacy to Leia’s words to Grand Moff Tarkin: “The tighter you close your fist, the more galaxies will slip through your fingers.”

Vader is clearly working well outside the standard confines of Imperial law, as he gives Han Solo to the bounty hunter Bob Fett, who works for the Jabba the Hutt. The Hutt families are a criminal class, and the Empire has tried several times to break their power, since apparently the galaxy isn’t big enough for two criminally corrupt institutions.

The first battle between Skywalkers Sr. and Jr. is the perfect metaphor for military might against a well-trained guerrilla force. While Vader “wins” the battle, Luke certainly gives him a run for his money, since they were trained by the same people and the victory comes down to learned practice where Vader has the advantage. However it is clear that Luke’s innate ability, with more training, will certainly be formidable enough that their next confrontation may have a different outcome.

The other half of that battle is the fact that Luke has learned Vader’s true nature, and is now given the same advantage his father had when tracking him.

When we see the cell again, Luke, Leia, Lando and Chewbaca must rescue one of the higher-ups in their organization: Han Solo. Solo, now like Leia and Skywalker, is not a disposable foot soldier but a crucial component to not only to rebel strategy but also to rebel moral. After all, if capture by the enemy is merely an inconvenience from which you will be rescued, it wouldn't concern anyone.

By the time we see the rebel alliance again the ranks have expanded to include other humanoids, no doubt oppressed under Imperial doctrine, and quite tired of it. By this time, word has certainly spread about the destruction of the first Death Star. If such a blow was dealt by a very small force of “stunt-fighters” then certainly a larger force would certainly succeed against another weapon of the same make and model, shield generators be damned.

The final confrontation takes up much of the narrative of the last film, and is pretty much the illustration of the advantages of not only force diversity and flying columns, but also of expanding your ranks through promises of peace as opposed to your enemies who just show up and take over. That method might have been why the Ewoks were so hip to help the rebels, as the Imperials had shown up and either ignored the Ewoks in the best case, and perhaps killed them in the worst.

This is to be final battle, everyone’s chips in the game, and certainly they are playing for keeps. As many of the various cells of the rebellion have come together for this battle massing what could be the first fleet large enough to oppose the Empire since Palpatine officially came to power.

While that battle rages, Vader and Luke are now locked into their own final confrontation. Luke has devoted a great deal of thought to his father’s fate, and even if his skill has not improved much since their last battle, it’s possible his understanding of why they are fighting gives him an even greater advantage than knowing how.

Vader and Luke are essentially the same person at this stage, toe to toe battling for a cause that they have faith in. Victory for Luke is almost written in stone, since his faith is based on reform, rebuilding and friendship. Vader had no cause to believe that the universe could be any other way, since he actually believes that he was first betrayed by Kenobi and his wife. His son has proven several things that Vader might have wished to believe but turned his back on. You can trust people, and people can trust you, and you can fight against a massive military force and win.

A RANT: Rebellion, Conflict, Resolution and 1776. . .

2008-02-08T15:53:00.000-08:00

. . . Not fucking 1774.

T-shirt companies tend to market the most obscenely jingoist shirts to the most ignorant members of the military. They used to say something on "U.S. Army Est. 1776" but now say something stupid like "1774."

1774, as we know, was the year people just began to think that rebellion against the English might be a good idea, after the Boston Tea Party, but before the English decided to the send in their regulars to violate what would have been known today as "civil rights," but what were known at the time as "ridiculous demands of precocious entitlement."

At that time, the Declaration of Independence hadn't even been written. In fact, the first battle of revolution, (Lexington and Concord) didn't happen until 1775. That battle was, as is often the case, merely the beginning of a long, hard war in which starvation gripped the native population to such an extent that the Empire wondered why the hell they were fighting at all. (Sound familiar?)

It could also be argued that the building of a country is an ongoing process that in America could have begun with immigrants in the 1600s and continued long after any arbitrary year designated by some arrogant, WASPy, jack-ass t-shirt designer.

Furthermore the resting on the laurels of a random establishment date means that people in power slack-off and spend more time thinking about little boys' buttocks while simultaneously plotting to subjugate emotionally healthy homosexual men and women who have the good sense to stay in their own age group, instead of making the United States a true country for the people and by the people.

Indeed, by that sort of staggering revisionist history crap, when ever a people just decide they are country, suddenly they are, and anyone who dares disagree has to face the nasty end of whatever the abundant fire-arm of choice happens to be.

If the above were true, there would have been an independent Kurdistan as early as 1992, and a Pakistan in the late 40's with much less riots. But Kurdistan is still part of Iraq and Pakistan had riots.

It doesn't work that way. Sovereignty is as hard-won as freedom and twice as hard to enforce since you only need convince people that they superficially have freedom, while you have to convince the world that you have sovereignty. That sort of convincing takes nearly constant up-keep well beyond merely stomping on the opposition, but also asking the people of your country to enforce the concept as part of their day-to-day routine, if not their full time, color-alert-dependent, gun-toting, badge-wielding/flag-waving job.

Love and War and Hate. . . . and Love

2007-08-11T19:48:00.001-07:00

I don't recommend military service for anyone until he or she learns to love him or herself as well, and in fact understand that people can love each other. It's odd to say, but in my opinion, being a good soldier in any branch in any military in the world means understanding love, having love for people and perhaps being in love in general.

The worst thing in the world is a soldier with no heart.

Under no circumstances would I ever want to have to tell some one's mother "Your son is dead, it's probably my fault." In that way understanding that someone is loved by someone, and understanding that if you were to love someone in the same way, you wouldn't want to hear of their demise and further more you wouldn't want to inflict that feeling on anyone else. Understanding love in this way makes you a better soldier and war-fighter.

I've seen lots of angry young men, like myself to be sure, join the military. I'm almost certain they'll become of one of those people who throws lives away because they will have learned so much about the military there wouldn't be room to learn about love until much later.

If this hypothetical trooper does learn about love, his or her heart will become heavy with the regret of the lives he threw away. The widows, widowers and orphans he made in addition to many more disabled veterans, will weigh very heavily on his shoulders.

Sound terrible? It is. The possibility of a soldier with no love in his heart taking my place is also the only reason I can think of to get up in the lacerating cold or the choking heat and run two miles, do push-ups, do sit-ups and go to the firing ranges. Because I don't like the other options.

Indeed The Marine Corps Guide to Small Wars calls for "the utmost compassion when dealing with the native, non-hostile population."

This, as far as I can tell flies in the face of how Marines are perceived, indeed not just by the populace but by Marines themselves.

There is far more need for Marines who are family men who miss their wives then there is for devil-may-care Jarheads who could care less about what throat gets slit, including their own.

A wild man on the battlefield isn't what any military needs; but a soldier capable of understanding what sacrifice is, not just so that can make a sacrifice, but so they know when not to? That's something that not only the military needs, but also society at large.

A Better Tomorrow?

2007-08-11T19:36:00.000-07:00

Foreign policy is an issue. It would appear that almost every war we've ever fought since WWI, arguably every war since the Revolutionary war, has laid the groundwork for the very next conflict, sometimes several more after.

A short-sighted foreign policy has lead to more conflict than communism or terrorism combined.

An example of this is the Cold War. The entire ground work for the Cold War was laid down by funding communism. Communism, despite it's post WWII popular portrayal and it's eventual evolution into totalitarianism, was ideologically opposed to fascism of any kind. Funding and training was given to many communist forces by the Allies to fight German, Japanese, Spanish and Italian fascism. Naturally, in the 50's, the threat of communism suddenly loomed large in the eyes of the administration, probably because they'd been armed and trained by the very people who now felt threatened by them.

Amongst several reasons for communism taking hold where it did, one possible factor was that the communist systems success with the backing of the Allies in WWII was a historical reason for people to trust in it's capabilities. If they were able to beat back, defeat, route or at least stifle other forms of government and ideology, well, they must be superior.

In order to fight communism, Islamic groups with Islamic ideologies were funded. So naturally, they had the capability to dominate opponents other than communism when they felt that had to do so.

History is the reason for people to do anything. Everything we know, and even more what we don't know, is based on history.

As an example, there is a myriad of reasons why young men go off to war, and they all involve history in one way or another. Al lot of them involve old men. Traditional: "My old man was in the war," Rebellious: "My old man opposes war," Protective "My old man should be safe in his home," Directional "My old man left when I was five," Functional "Some old man I've never met said I had to do this," and so on and so forth.

Historically, American ideology has been structured around pure ideals based on freedom, liberty and by extension, human rights. There are parts of the world when the men in power don't want their people receiving regular medical care or regular meals because then they would be capable of rebellion. What's agonizing about American ideals and ideas is that, despite their erosion in this country, we believe basic human rights are a concept that everyone should enjoy for one reason or another. Our history tells us that those things are good.

Old men get up on our televisions and tell us that our intentions are good, our goals are pure and our objective is just.

Let us say, for moment, another man gets on TV. He's the king of Whatevaland. He says "Listen, all I want is to subjugate people, destroy their spirits, control their lives and crush under jack booted heal anyone who opposes me. It's my god-given right."

Naturally, a lot of people in this country would say "That's not right," but what makes the military worth while is that we can have the resolve to say "That's not right, and we're going to stop you."

The military is a fine tool for getting things done. Sometimes it doesn't feel like that, but really it's true. The military is a group of people who, through shared experience, will behave the same way and understand things in a similar way, most of the time.

Ideals are instilled in people in the military, through not merely basic training but through examples of good leadership during military career.

In order to win a war, of course, you have to have a defined sense of right and wrong, as well as win or loose. This is the old way and doesn't leave a lot of room for compromise, but it can be very motivating.

War has become more and abstract in terms of it's reason as time has progressed. Instead of land, or resources, a non-country ideology has declared war on all "western" ideas and ideals. What's truly interesting about this, is now both ideologies are put to the test.

The very idea that religious systems, thousands of years old, are in some way opposed to modern methods of thinking is completely insane.

Religion is a system of governance. It's a system of thinking and teaching intended to bring about order. Secular government is the next evolution in maintaining order, while religions have taken a step back and become opposition to government.

Perfection For Sale!

2007-06-16T20:50:00.000-07:00

When did body issues start?

Perhaps the dawn of the printing press. I'm sure Johann Gutenberg had a notion of what his invention meant and what it would do.

Mass-produced media. Mass-produced ideas. Mass-produced ideals.

Mass production of anything has the potential to effect people's perspective.

I wonder, as I do, if people who didn't match their mass produced ideals of their day felt self-conscience.

Did Greek culture, with it's artistic preference for smaller genitals on men, cause men with bodies outside the ideal to feel inadequate? Surely. Perhaps less due to less saturation, since producing the fine art that constituted the mass media of the day took much more effort.

Perhaps it was the Victorian era, however, where mass-produced forms of the both men and women came into their own. Not only were pictures of what men and women should look like printed (should look like according to god knows who, really), but products for reaching those physical ideals were advertised and sold. Girdles and mustache wax being merely two.

If you look at some of these illustrations and photographs from those times, it really appears that all men had thick, heavy handle bar mustaches. All women had the hour glass figure and long hair piled high on their heads.

Imagine being one of those men who had thin, fine hair that took forever to grow in. Give me a year and half maybe I'll get a mustache out of it if I never, ever shave.

Imagine being an athletically built, thin hipped woman.

Naturally I wonder about these things as I wander the urban landscapes of America and see the two main ideals of gender plastered wall to wall trying to sell everything from cars to contraceptives.

If our advertising is to be believed, women are to be very thin, frail and bored. Men are to be huge, ripped and scowling.

This is of course, not all advertising, but enough of it that I can make such a broad generalization that and still hit pretty close to the mark.

Sometimes the marketing doesn't make a ton of sense. Like using naked people to sell clothing (I'm looking at you, Abercrombie & Fitch), or using people with pearly white teeth to sell tobacco products (Newport).

It goes well beyond that, of course. Being a regular watcher of TV these days, I saw a Mazda commercial where people who weren't driving Mazdas magically looked old when they saw themselves reflected in their non-Mazda cars. That's right.

"Drive a Mazda or you will age prematurely."

There's a kind of mercenary ruthlessness in that sort of advertising. Reinforcing a cruel lust for youth (a topic I will sink my teeth into soon enough, I assure you), the advertisement is itself a symptom of the ideals that people are told they need to reach, and the suggests that it's product will help you reach them. This is counter intuitive, because let's face it: no one ever got physically fit driving anywhere.

Naturally, if the advertising were an honest business, people wouldn't buy anywhere near as much stuff.

I don't meet those physical ideals myself. Try though I might, I am thin. I come from a long line of thin men. Thin their whole lives, perhaps a gut toward the end of life. I used to work out all the time and eat tons of food and if I worked really hard I could gain twenty pounds or so. If I stopped my body would burn off everything while I slept.

Broad-shouldered, yet lanky and stork-like, the men of my family except one family on my mothers side would have been excellent chimney sweeps one hundred years ago.

Naturally, a first response is "You don't know how lucky you are." I used to scowl at that sentiment. These days I'm actually more okay with myself. In my early 20's I realized just how much bullshit was being forced down our collective throats and how I shouldn't try very hard to built like a superhero (Massive torso, small waist, power legs, great calves and so on).

Of course I don't own a car, either.

I've found true physical fitness has only a little bit to do with appearance and more to do with strength and endurance. I think it's a safe bet that most underwear models, while delicious looking, cannot "run flat out for two miles before [their] hands start shaking."

The Creepy, Creepy Future of Marketing: "FREE Implant surgery with purchase!"

2007-06-16T20:43:00.000-07:00

The iphone is being advertised an awful lot.

I don't own a cellphone because I don't like them. The iphone freaks me out.

My stance on cell phones is this: you pay money so that you have no solitude. You're never alone when you have a cell phone, which I'm sure is a comfort to some but not to me, since I don't substitute comm-tech for actual human interaction.

Cybernetics, as you can guess from previous posts, freak me out. The concept freaks me out. I'm not entirely comfortable relying on a car for transport, but I deal with it.

The iphone, by design, appears to demand human manipulation to a greater extent than any other device of its kind.

Now, I made a post before about the marketing of products and how most advertising's only real point is to make want things you don't need.

As electronics become more and more personalized to their user, and these devices become more and more complex (the iphone knows how you are holding it) how long do you think it's really going to be before people are comfortable with implanted devices and when that market is in infancy, how soon do you think people will be willing to produce product for that market?

Cell phones embedded in ear drums with key pads woven and tattooed into the back of your hand.

Cameras and lasers that display the time, date and temperature in the lower left of your field vision.

Extra sensitive nerve endings and tiny pressure valves embedded in genitals for enhanced sexual pleasure and performance.

In one way it's very possible that such body modification may obliterate out-moded concepts of gender; but in another more precise way it might make being human obsolete.

Naturally, these sound like ravings but let's look again at advertising.

"You need our product to he happy in life, you need our product to be masculine/feminine, you need our product to be cool."

It's well within the realm of possibility that eventually those products will actually alter the physical properties of the consumer.

This isn't as outlandish as it sounds and here's why: cars.

In order to drive a car you must learn how. Now, learning in general doesn't make you great driver. A great driver drives a lot. There's a whole skill set there that didn't exist in the general population 100 years ago. Now, consider how much driving alters your way of perceiving the world. Now instead of thinking in footsteps, you think in miles. You consider gas mileage and acceleration at the very least. There's a new wrinkle in your brain for driving things.

We already have artificial hearts and robotic limbs hooked directly to the human nervous system. These were added on so the recipients could lead a normal life.

How long before leading a normal life means getting your body altered by science?

Parental Horror and Mr. Brooks

2007-06-05T03:05:00.000-07:00

Mr. Brooks, while sometimes a messy convolution of plots and ideas, has a very interesting theme.

Naturally, spoilers are ahead.

The character Earl Brooks, portrayed by Kevin Costner, has an addiction. He is addicted to killing people. A destructive habit that is clearly parallel with alcoholism. In fact, Brooks attends AA meetings and confesses to being an "addict" rather than saying "Alcoholic." The habit itself is a man named Marshall, played with glee by William Hurt as a hallucinatory manifestation of Brooks impulses and more or less his dialogue with himself.

Brooks clearly derives a great of pleasure, perhaps even beyond sexual, from killing and Marshall only encourages him and reminds him of the rules that have prevented Brooks from being caught for years.

This dynamic fascinates most during a key scene where, in a truly interesting twist, Brooks finds his daughter is suspected of a murder.

Brooks is visibly shaking after the police leave. Marshall asserts that the girl was sloppy and stupid and deserves to be caught. Perhaps jail will be good for her. Brooks doesn't agree and in fact is so stoic throughout the movie that seeing him in the state is rather wrenching. He crumbles to the floor in agony, asking "What if she has what I have?!"

There is a moment where Marshall actually hugs Brooks, consoles him and tries to help.

The whole scene is amazing because it embodies so many things. The most obvious is parental anxiety over children making their parents same mistakes.

Recalling a scene in the Sopranos where Edith asks Tony "How will we save these children?!" knowing full well that their lives are built from the brick and mortar of corruption and violence.

Brooks' anxiety is on par with that, but so much sadder. A man concerned for his daughter's well being not because it's a dangerous world or because she has made mistake, but terrified to a breaking point that his daughter has the insidious disease that scrapes at the back of his mind. He knows that what he does ruins lives and spreads misery. He knows how isolating it can be. No one truly knows who he is and he can't really tell anyone. Those who find out are doomed, because despite his existence he will still seek to preserve his well being.

How will she cope? Can she cope? Isn't murder a man's game? How will she be able to do the only thing that makes men masculine in this modern world? It's a "hard heart that kills," and the very idea of that hardness, that coldness in his own daughter literally brings Brooks to his knees.

What is truly great about this is Marshall, the monster consoling him. In this way, the coldness and the capacity for violence become Brooks' only solace and in the end the only way he can think of to save his daughter.

It's truly a terrifying concept, and not altogether alien, the idea of men using violence to save their families. In Brooks' case, it's in many ways even worse because it represents him turning to his addiction to violence to save the next generation who may also be addicted. Is she even worth saving? She'll have the same life as Brooks. It will be lonely and if she is half as careful as her old man, it will damage society. But how can a parent turn their back on a child?

There is the real horror; when a parent must choose between what is morally right, what is clearly better for the world and the life of their child. It is a terrible decision and either choice will surely cause Brooks, or any parent for that matter, to loose sleep.

Body Horror and The Bionic Woman

2007-06-04T02:54:00.000-07:00

I found a preview for the new Bionic Woman.

The first few minutes are a "New Drama About Personal Issues," but then there's a really bad car accident and our main character wakes with bionic parts.

And she screams.

Now, I will admit this is a remake. Almost everything is a remake anyway, if you think about it for more than two minutes. However, if the preview clips are even remotely approaching the mood of how the show will actually play I look forward to it.

First, we have a strong female character in a sci-fi style show. Two great tastes.

Science fiction has always been a sort of breeding ground for telling stories differently, probably because things are fantastical to start with, so people can be more accepting of wild ideas like women "kickin' ass and takin' names."

"Well, I'm already talking about giant insect aliens that bleed acid. . . might as well make the protagonist a female."

This is not to say women being strong isn't a reality, but it's one of those realities that has only been recently been re-accepted.

In fact, many sci-fi writers tend to use females to represent humanity as a whole on a galactic level. Men, you know, shoot things and die.

That being said: if women represent humanity on all levels, then true horror and anxiety can be invoked in biological and technological alteration of the female body, often times against the will of the women themselves by the government, an extra-terrestrial race, another caste in society and so on.

This forced alteration is the essential doctrine of the Body Horror genre of science fiction. While the personal journey of self-discovery and the strengthening that it entails is universal, the unwanted alterations that are now part of the protagonist must be dealt with and in some ways used to overcome obstacles.

One of my favorite films some what in this genre is Robocop. Murphy, an officer of the law is gunned down in the line of duty, declared dead and brought back through the mad science of cybernetics.

The whole film is this grand metaphor for how violence can drastically alter a person. Murphy can no longer be a husband to his wife or a father to his son, but he can bring criminals to justice. He operates 24 hours, says very little about how he feels, and deals violence to violent people. Can you be tough, unrelenting and cold and still be a good father and husband? The movie says, no, it's not even a possibility, when you give yourself over to violence as your sole purpose you will lose what you think you are fighting for.

Another layer to this is Murphy is altered against his will. This the equivalent to torture, even rape. A permanent alteration in the way Murphy must live occurs as a result of the actions of the people who turned him their idea of what violence should be against his will. This is also a sort of post-traumatic stress disorder made manifest in a hard shell of metal.

With the new Bionic Woman, those idea of post traumatic stress disorder as solid parts of a new body go even further.

As Summers screams in the preview the doctor who apparently did the alterations insists that everything will be okay and attempts to console her. Summers throws him across the room. In that moment, a new and greater capacity for physical violence is realized as a direct result of the alteration, even against those attempting (perhaps badly in the case of the doctor) to help.

The doctor who altered her is the stand-in for a man who understands violence and who insists, perhaps correctly, that he is acting with the best interests of the woman. She needed to be saved, could even be "She was asking for it," by being vulnerable and female and this man, being a man in modern society has probably seen terrible things done to women over and over, and is tired of it. This woman, whom he knows personally, will be different. He won't let this woman be destroyed by this damage inflicted on her. So he tried to save her; but the way his mind works is in a masculine way and masculinity is violence in this context. Sommers, like many victims of any sort of trauma, will be angry. The doctor attempts to give her the tools to make her anger into so damaging a force that no one will be capable of harming her again.

The new Jaime Sommers would easily survive being hit by a truck. The truck that hits Sommers initially represents a masculine violence and what it does when directed, seemingly randomly, without provocation at a woman. She is forever changed and now has become something else not just from the violent act, but also from the doctors' treatment. That treatment will make her capable of dealing with worse than a truck but as we see in the preview there is something that may be a match for Sommers: another bionic woman. Another victim who has been rebuilt with the tools of violence now grafted onto her soul and body.

Indeed women must be sexy, must be womanly but only just. Often in cases of rape there question is asked "Did she protect herself adequately?" Sometimes in years past, a case could be found in favor of the rapist if it could be proven that the victim had some how made themselves vulnerable.

In the context of the new Bionic Woman, the main character is near fatally injured in a car accident, once again the metaphor for life altering violence. I guarantee at some point some one will ask, in some way "Was there a stop sign?" or even "Why weren't you paying attention?" when the reality is that it was a random incident that Summers couldn't have prevented. Wrong place. Wrong time.

Exploring themes like that, even metaphorically, especially in an network television show, is fairly bold. The fact that it may not be as heavy handed as a closing speech on Jerry Springer is also going to be a breath of fresh air. That coupled with the involvement of David Eick, I can certainly imagine another show worth watching.

(NOTE: The new Bionic Woman did not live up to any of these expectations, which is a real shame)

History Will Absolve Us

2006-11-24T17:04:00.000-08:00

Wait, history can absolve people? His. Story. The story of humanity. It is written by other people. Can other people yield absolution?

Religion is history.

Consider this a second. Religions, at least the Abrahamic religions, are pretty much an oral history of some stuff that happened to some folks in the desert.

The bible is a chronicle of how folks should be remembered.

Now, bearing in mind that there is no proof of god, and thus no god we can conclude something: the after life is actually history. Historical documentation is the afterlife. You live after death in the memories of the people whose life you were in. If you were a bastard scum bag, your after life sucks. In everyone's memory you're an awful person, and they hope that where your energy went (since energy can neither be destroyed nor created) that it is in some way suffering.

Let me bring this down to earth for a second. Ever had an immediate supervisor or a co-worker who didn't answer to you and acted like it? Nothing you would say to that person was relevant, and they might say they answered to a higher authority. That's how some people are viewing god. They assume that pleasing their one upper supervisor is all that matters. (interestingly, the teachings of Christ completely conflict this style of working, so anyone who isn't team player could theoretically be a bad Christian as well).

That analogy and the general style of this little essay makes clear a certain something. Man, humans, people don't like to be at the mercy of other people. If you were at the mercy of other people's memory of you, you wouldn't have anywhere near as much clearance to be an asshole. But if you only answer to god, if your guiding force is god's will, then you can be a bastard to everyone and god will forgive you.

Let's also consider that two thousand years ago, gods were as real to everyone as cars are to us. Everyone saw evidence of some god somewhere. Remember that initially gods were the explanations for natural phenomena. Then god merely became the reason people died. All people everywhere died because of him, because that is way easier to accept that random terrible things happening. Now, the will of man can wipe out large numbers of other people. Now the will of man has become stronger than natural disasters. Now we recognize that when people wage war it's never god's will; it's their will that's in play and that is what is making them scramble across your borders like ants with rifles.

Now; this is very converse to the idea that the body is a prison; but check it out: there is an energy, a spark, something that makes us go. When not inside the body, in fact when freed from the body is it possible that those energies are at the mercy of a great many things? Not the least of which is the feelings of other people. The body is not merely a temple; it is a bunker.

JonBenet Ramsey

2006-09-13T02:23:00.000-07:00

So we know that there are bad people in the world.

In fact, we know that there are people find children sexually attractive. Worse, there are even worse people who choose to act on those feelings.

Fine.

Now, if molesting children is a compulsion, it's possible it can be controlled. However I reckon it's difficult to control in a country with child beauty pageants.

Let us address the creepiness of the child beauty pageant. When I was 9 or ten or so, getting up on stage and singing "The Good Ship Lollipop" while people at least five times my age glowered at me would have been terrifying. I say would have been because it was the furthest thing from both my mind and the mind of my parents. Being a boy I had even less cause to worry about such things. The girls my age at that time were equally not bothered by such things. Soccer practice, sure. Music practice, of course. John Wayne movies and Saturday morning cartoons, that was all for me.

Essentially, from age 1-13 I was busy being a kid. That was my job for the most part. It was very nearly full time with pauses to occasionally pay attention in school. I really believe that if I had to do anything like a child beauty pageant in addition to being crazy I would also be a miserably superficial asshole.

Now let's assume that at best, being a child beauty pageant contestant is not harmful in and of itself. It still gives a very young child a public persona, it makes them into a sort of celebrity, see? They become famous in circles that hold and enjoy child beauty pageants.

Now, we've all heard of normal people stalking adult celebrities. Imagine an adult stalking a child because of that child's particular celebrity. Unless one of the parents is Jack Ryan, John Clark or Jesse Ventura or something, then your average motivated stalker will probably find a way to get to that child. Kids are notorious for their capability to elude their parents. Sometimes intentionally, sometimes unintentionally, but they do it. Now, put those two thoughts together. Innate ability to disappear from the person who's job it is to protect the child plus another person who wants to harm that child=sad, sad statistics.

In general, I find the idea of displaying children in such a fashion repugnant. It really appears to me that something more for the parents than anything else.

I was watching the news with my pop one afternoon. He muttered, in his world weary way, that if children in and of themselves aren't entertaining enough then you need psychological help. This is of course a reference to blood pressure rises I would cause as a very wee lad, and the shouting matches and fights we had when I was a teenager to the complete non-communication we had when I was a younger man. At this point things are good between us, and that's probably because we stopped treating each other as humanoid variables that were more a bother than anything else and starting acting like we were people.

I love my pop, mostly because he never insisted I get on stage until I was 18.

When was the last time you heard of a drive by stabbing?

2006-09-09T12:48:00.000-07:00

Apparently in Scotland stabbings have become such a problem that they intend to ban knives.

Now, naturally this makes sense in that band-aid on a sucking chest wound kind of way. The problem is not the weapons or the ease with which people get them. It is with violence. It is the perception of violence as a solution.

Weapons, of course, can turn an altercation that is merely violent and injurious into something fatal. Even a small blade can make a slight a bar-room disagreement into a manslaughter charge, but then there are the martial arts; if enough people were killed using tae kwon do, would they feel justified in banning tae kwon do? Probably not, because those people who used tae kwon do to kill made the decision to kill in the first place.

And there you have it. They made that decision. You could ban everything and wrap people in cotton their entire lives, they'd still make poor decisions.

The real agony of government being so mind blowingly intrusive and spend millions of dollars on law enforcement, legal prosecution, prison and so on is that they could spend half of that on education and teach people not be so cruel to each other, and that generation would pass those lessons along to their children and in a generation or two the numbers of stabbings would plummet.

That's a great idea but there's a problem: politicians, in a perfect world, represent the people. If the people have had to deal with knife violence their entire lives, they will be so fed up that they will want an immediate solution. Immediate solutions for social problems, almost without fail, look great in newspapers and on TV and actually don't do anything except pacify people enough for them to think the problem is solved and they relax. When they relax, the problem comes back, sometimes worse, and they want their immediate solution again. The vicious cycle begins anew.

Long term solutions never feel as good as short term solutions, but they work better. Now perhaps the knife banning in Scotland, is a long term solution but it's a solution that bends society

Clubs and Clubbing: Selling A Community to a Community And What This is Compared to the Rest of the World

2006-07-09T16:20:00.000-07:00

Music is an industry. Industry caters to people. People make up communities. Those communities have musical tastes, and thus dance clubs were born.

These days, it's become much more community specific. Initially, there was just disco; and mostly I'm sorry to say, that was a white people thing.

Pick up a flyer for any club night, and with out my even seeing it I can sum it up like this:

"People like you hang out here!" if it's your style -or- "People Not In Any Way like you hang out here!"

But it's not a community, it's not the same thing. It appears to me that there is a whole industry based solely on providing people with the illusion of community and so desperate are they for it that they will pay money to feel as though they are part of a group. It's a form of emotional prostitution, isn't it? Playing on people's fears of being alone and actually asking for money so they can hang out with other people.

In addition, it's a constructed environment. Club culture isn't real. Case in point; the bullshit flows. A buddy of mine, without me knowing due to the volume of the music, introduced me as a state senator as we were out one night. This is ridiculous on several levels and they saw through it. This happens all the time. Couple that with the free flowing of alcohol and you pretty much have a situation that almost totally precludes folks from telling the truth.

In addition to all this, clubs rely on a near compulsive spending of money by their patrons, unless they charge 50+ dollars a head and have 1,000 people show up. Now, the sort of person who spends money compulsively and wants to be a member of a crowd so badly they'll pay money to join it? That's two of the nine main characteristics for borderline personality disorder. Now, if clubs rely so heavily on two traits which are, quite frankly, negative to very negative how positive can the environment actually be?

In addition, there's also the bizarre, mean-spirited and stupid culture built around music. Often times, it won't be enough that you've heard a song and enjoyed it; found it pleasing to your ear. If you were cool, then you would have heard that song a year ago, and it would have given you an orgasm because it was so new and awesome and wow you'd never heard anything like that before.

The "I heard it first" thing is probably perpetuated by MTV. Remember when MTV was cool? Looking at MTV then, as a wiser man who's actually had sex and drank beer since the 80's, it wasn't all that great. These days it's barely tolerable and appears to exist only to shorten the attention span of Generation Y-Z to such an extent that they will buy anything. It's also possible MTV also brought the phrase "You heard it first" into the music culture lexicon, with their MTV news brief.

Now, the biggest problem with this cultural construct is first it alienates the younger and empowers the older when taken to it's extreme. I don't have a problem with that in general, however specifically empowering the old merely because they've had the luck to survive beyond the firmer, younger years is ridiculous. I didn't hear Led Zeppelin on the radio the first time they were played on the radio because, of course, I wasn't born yet, something over which I had absolutely no control. Being there shouldn't be a criteria for any sort of merit, certainly not in a country as safe as ours. Pardon me for saying this, but making it to 22 isn't all that much of an achievement with the borders of these United States. If you are 22, don't be insulted, however recognize that in Rwanda or perhaps the Sudan and other places that by age 16 you will probably have killed someone in a militia action or been raped and murdered.

Now, I'm not debating if wisdom comes with age. It does, and the older you are the wiser you are; but that is not contingent on the music you've heard. That's actually contingent on your life and how you lived it. A person can lead a very character building life without ever hearing one song on a radio.

So, at age 25 you've been in "the scene" for six years. If you were 25 in Rwanda you would be commander of a militia or military unit. I bring this up because now that we have clubs that appear to have some sort of longevity and last for more than a year, it appears as though you can become a veteran of a certain club or club night. Now there are people who lord the fact that they were there when such and such club opened over the younger people and may further complain how all these new people suck for no actual reason other than the fact they are new. Well, if people really liked the scene that much they would be offering much more guidance and constructive criticism, there would be a much greater attempt at encouraging the new blood who find their way there from radio and internet.

If scenes were real communities there would be involvement, direction and ideals. The older would teach the young and show them how not to fuck up their lives. That's what a community is, or at least should be. Club going people aren't coming together for the good of rearing the young and defending their streets, or towns or cities. They're just listening to fucking music and drinking. "Music scenes," there fore, are not communities.

"If Democracy cannot provide for the. . . people, people will say 'To Hell with Democracy, we need strong men."

2006-07-09T11:53:00.000-07:00

There is a line; a line between good and evil. If a so called good person crosses it, they are then regarded as evil.

Interestingly, this doesn't work in reverse. A so called evil person cannot suddenly become good because they do one good thing.

However, the fact that the line is even there is more the problem than anything else.

I will now point to Park Chung Hee, or simply Gen. Park, as many South Koreans will call him.

Now, what's interesting, to me at least, is what he did in South Korea.

Before Park perpetrated a bloodless military coup on May 16, 1961, South Korea was in a shambles. Corruption was rampant, politicians were ineffectual and worse than all that the people were miserable and starving. Supposedly, starvation was so rampant that people are alleged to have participated in cannibalism.

Park, at that point was a Major General (Sojang in Korean) and was in a position to make improvements. But should he have? As a high ranking general officer, he had command of enough man power to enact change on a drastic level, and if he had a plan he could end the starvation, save his people and, given time, he could make his homeland an economic world power.

But by authoritarian rule?

Park established the Korean Central Intelligence Agency: part secret police, part American CIA, part American FBI. The KCIA had the power to arrest anyone harboring sentiment against the new regime.

Park had a plan, and after he was elected president

When elections were held, opposing candidates were harassed.

Even as these things were happening, the overall economic capacity of South Korea was improving. Park also created The Economic Planning Board (EPB), The Ministry of Trade and Industry (MTI) and The Ministry of Finance (MoF). These three groups were charged with making the Korean economy viable. In the short term, they needed to improve people's lives and the domestic flow of commerce. In the long term they were planning to make South Korea an economic world power.

In October 1972, Park suspended the constitution and dissolved the Parliament due to "the dangerous realities of the international situation." I have only a vague notion of what he meant by that; there was a lot of potential problems in 1972 for South Korea, but I truly feel it had nothing to do with outside factors.

I honestly believe that Park just wasn't done yet and that had he not been elected again, the next body in office would certainly have undone most of his plans before they came to fruition.

In the end he was killed by one the people he appointed and I wonder, was Park a good man who used evil to do good or was he and evil man with a plan that got interrupted?

If an evil plan leads to good things, even great things, is it still an evil plan?

If the Joker accidentally cured AIDS with one of his insane chemical concoctions, would the Batman still be justified in throwing him in jail or punishing him at all?

How much of the means colors the end?

Communication Breakdown

2006-07-09T11:16:00.000-07:00

As diffusion of information has increased by leaps and bounds, people may have begun to take it for granted.

The trouble with this is it's possible people begin to believe their innermost thoughts and fears and ideals are readily known and apparent and that, in turn, gives people clearance to feel slighted when someone doesn't know something random about them, like red shoe laces offend them.

I will make this more clear using a classic example of young male interaction: The Yo' Momma joke.

The Yo' Momma joke is a classic excercise in quick wit, hyperbole and of course, insult. It's purpose is usally good natured ribbing and hoping to elicit laughter from friends.

Every so often, you would run across the guy who's mother had died. Usually, he would say "Yo, that's not cool yo, my momma dead." and it would illicit grim sighs and head shaking from the crowd and apology from the guy who "went there."

These days, things are different. People will get upset and stay upset and think "How could anyone say such a thing?!" but they won't communicate. They won't let anyone know how they feel.

People. Aren't. Psychic.

Naturally, the "blog-o-sphere" has had an impact on this perception.

Yet, no one should be expected to sift through gigabytes of blog entries trying to crack the code and figure out what is an alegory about them. If you're upset with someone, let that someone know as soon as you can. Why? Because writing a cryptic, college level essay on why someone pisses you off and publishing it so everyone else except the person you are cross with can read it doesn't help anything.

I will admit, I've been guilty of the above complaint. It's true. However, when I grew as a person, I began to realize how useless it really was and how badly it can hurt a group of people who would read my writing to throw out random angry text and hope it sticks to the right person. Often times, it will stick to several people who aren't even at fault, and there you have it: damage done to people who had no intention of damaging.

This sort of emotional splash damage might occur often enough in internet culture that it's entirely possible people who use the internet may be made less happy by their using it.

2006-06-19T06:15:00.000-07:00

"An essential characteristic of the superhero mythology is, there's the superhero, and there's the alter ego. Batman is actually Bruce Wayne, Spider-Man is actually Peter Parker. When he wakes up in the morning, he's Peter Parker. He has to put on a costume to become Spider-Man. And it is in that characteristic that Superman stands alone. Superman did not become Superman, Superman was born Superman. When Superman wakes up in the morning, he's Superman. His alter ego is Clark Kent. His outfit with the big red "S", that's the blanket he was wrapped in as a baby when the Kents found him. Those are his clothes. What Kent wears, the glasses, the business suit, that's the costume. That's the costume Superman wears to blend in with us. Clark Kent is how Superman views us. And what are the characteristics of Clark Kent? He's weak, he's unsure of himself... he's a coward. Clark Kent is Superman's critique on the whole human race."

--Quentin Tarintino

The Tougher Majority

2006-05-30T14:49:00.000-07:00

"People sleep peaceably in their beds at night only because rough men stand ready to do violence on their behalf." -
- George Orwell

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
-- Steve Martin

I don't think it's outrageous to say that not everyone is cut out to be a soldier. In much the same sense, not everyone is cut out to be a prostitute.

Killers and whores, regardless of gender, have many, many things in common in western/westernized culture.

A soldier in the United States is not free. There are contracts that are signed, papers are pushed and rights are relinquished. It's perhaps true that many members of many militaries come to accept that in their sacrifice of certain safeties and comforts comes a steady paycheck and more often a sense of purpose. I dare say many people these days lack anything that even looks good near a sense of purpose.

A prostitute is much the same. The contract is more a social one, but due to law, a prostitute gives up certain rights as a citizen. This is true in many western and some westernized countries, and a prostitute will sacrifice certain safeties and comforts for a steady paycheck, and it's possible in some, if not many cases that there is a feeling of purpose there as well. When some one wants you physically, sometimes that can purpose in and of itself.

despite those hard sacrifices, the two occupations have survived thousands of years.

Why would such demanding work survive, in these softer, easier times?

It's because the world is not soft. The world is not easy. The majority of the world is a hard, mean, place. Thousands of lives are lost to violence everyday and still thousands more to the random injustice of a day to day spent in the assured chaos of a world with entirely too many humans in need and want of more than they have.

This is where the soldier comes in. In a perfect world, a soldier can tip the balance back against the wicked and the unjust, assuming the side that risen their passion for justice has not mislead them. It's safe to say most soldiers are not rich men who decided one day to spend the better part of their lives out in the elements of weather and war.

Indeed, the rich are typically the ones who decide it's time for a war.

In much the same sense, many people go long periods of time without feeling something like affection, or love or caring. Or worse, people can find it fleeting; perhaps even worse is never knowing it at all. Need for more or fear of the unknown. A prostitute can assuage all of these feelings.

Rarely would a rich person even consider choosing such and option as selling themselves for money.

However the rich may still feel the need to pay someone.

People need to feel something. The hard cold parts of life need to be readily contrasted.

There is a minority that has all the advantages, holds all the cards and makes all the money. Many others in the world are lead to believe that the only way to survive is to kill everyone near to them, or at least rather they are not told that there are peaceful ways to go about things.

It could be argued that many forms of terrorism stem merely from people not being told wholesale slaughter of those they dislike is an undertaking that no man really has the stamina for.

Killing to make a point is not heathen behavior. It's human behavior.

In people, both the capacity for astonishing violence and supreme intellect are present. The bloody base behaviors exist alongside, even in conjunction with, the halcyon of the human heart.
This is how the soldier and the whore can still exist. Our minds and technology grow, yet as we do this our lust and rage continues to exist. This leaves a cause for people to do the nasty ugly things while the minority in power can enjoy their higher brains. Their lower brains are served with violence and secretion, and their higher brains are free to achieve.

Prairie Home Companion

2006-05-26T09:40:00.000-07:00

We come from people who brought us up to believe that life is a struggle and if you should ever feel really happy, be patient: this will pass.

-Garrison Keillor