You Have to Have A Hobby: Paintings I Have Made to Keep From Going Completely Insane While Unemployed

On Saturday I will turn 42.

The "Life, the universe, and everything," birthday. 

I have never felt so far away from all three of those things. 

I have been unemployed since April 2022.

I am not comfortable talking about why I quit my job. 

I try to apply to four "cover letter" jobs a day and at least 10 "one-click" jobs daily. 

It’s Not So Bad Once You Get Used To It Acrylic On Canvas, 20 X 16

Considering how much of American life is focused solely on work, money, status, and everything that I just don't have right now I feel disconnected from everything. 

I have roughly one interview a week on average. Some weeks for reasons I'm not clear on, I get a spike in interviews. In the past year, I have had one follow-up interview for a job I didn't get. 

No one is obligated to tell me why they didn't hire me. 

One job had a ton of potential but it would have involved a move that I couldn't afford then and definitely cannot afford now. It was disheartening.

It was an American Small Town™ where I thought it would have been fun to be the Annoying But Good-Hearted Liberal Who Watches Football® with the type of manager I enjoy working alongside. 

Alas. 

Quite a few alases over the past year. 

At Midnight At 29.4387, -42.5764 The Ocean Has a Clear Message: You Do Not Fucking Belong Here Acrylic on Canvas 20 x 16

I was able to find a few short-term jobs. Many people helped me however they could; sometimes too much I think but I'm not in a position to turn down any kind of assistance and probably won't be for some time. 

I was pretty disheartened and started to feel like I had accomplished nothing worthwhile in my entire life - I mean, if I had accomplished anything, I'd have a new job, correct? - and there was a looming certainty that I would never accomplish anything again. 

Doing anything other than job hunting felt horrible. Eating didn't earn money. Drawing didn't earn me money. Writing short stories or posts like this didn't earn me money. 

I made the mistake of accepting an internship as a video editor with a startup. I was hoping I could parlay some kind of work into a resume builder.

I am a 40-plus-year-old army veteran with 15 years of experience editing videos, photos, and text. I can write broadcast copy, speech copy, news copy, narrative copy, and more. I can voice-over and voice-act. 

And that wasn't enough. I had to do everything I'd be doing for years for free to have someone else say to more people that I was indeed capable of doing things. 

It's not Survival of the Fittest, It's Survival of the Least Inadequate and This Includes Personal Trauma Unfortunately for All of Us Acrylic on Canvas 20 x 16

I had a nervous breakdown because I was doing something I have a decade of experience doing for a company and still not making money. I couldn't afford the service I was doing free because I was doing it free. 

I didn't get out of bed for almost two weeks. 

They emailed me first to ask what was going on, and then they asked me to delete myself from their systems. I'd forgotten how to use their systems and had to have their IT tech take care of it. At one point I tried to sell blood and I can't do that because I have G6 Protein Deficiency. 

The anxiety of having a deeply uncertain future for long periods can really mess up your well-being.

I had canvases and paints that I would stare at wistfully while typing cover letters and clicking "apply" on job sites. 

There is a truly insane amount of legitimate job-matching sites out there. And three times as many middle-men websites that just show you advertisements for real job matching sites if you enter your email. Adding the worst kind of work, extra steps that don't pay extra. 

Ice Probably Would be Twice As Nice, but I’d Like To Go First Acrylic on Canvas 16 x 20

I had to start painting again. 

And the first thing I did was prime four paintings I hadn't touched in over a year. 

The next thing I did was paint four brand new paintings over three days. 

I felt a lot better. 

And then I remembered I actually know how to paint. Since I only apply to jobs from 5 a.m. to about 1 p.m. I spend the rest of the day painting on weekdays. On weekends I just paint. 

If my life continues on its current trajectory I don't foresee things going very well for me at all. 

But the paintings will still have been painted. 

That will have to be enough for now. 

If you want to support my writing PayPal is JHiggins35, CashApp is $FairyGhostFather and Venmo is @John-Higgins-179

If You Don’t Make You, They Will Make You Acrylic on Canvas 20 x 16